I am really lost as of what the right thing to do is...?

Question

My husband has lied to me in the past and I trust him but not fully. I can't stand his ex-wife that has his son...certain things that have happened are due to that. I just found out today that she knows everything!! he's told her!! From what I've gotten, he talks to her about everything!!! And his password to his e-mail are his ex-wife initials still!! I also found out that he lied, he said he called his son last Monday when he didn't go to work... from his ex-wifes e-mail, he went over to her house and sat for hours visiting! I told him I don't want him going over there because I am not comfortable with that. I don't know if I have a right to be mad or not.. he doesnt know I go into his e-mail from time to time. He goes through mine all the time and I know because he has a very hard time lying and tryign to kepp things from me, in other words he isn't good at it. I hate that he talks to his ex about us and anything other than their son to be honest. He's the same when it comes to my

daughters father. He's always like why do you see your ex (he stops by my work once in awhile to talk instead of calling) and why do you talk to him about things other than your daughter. He doesn't make a huge deal though because he knows I will make a huge deal about his ex. He knows how I feel about his ex and all, what do I do? Confront him?

She has stated that she doesn't want me there, if I go when he visits... I sit in the car with my daughter.

His ex was not allowing him to take his son overnight and still won't. I do believe she will be bringing him to our house this Saturday and let me tell you I am not looking forward to it!

Answer 1

It sounds like neither of you trust the other and your haven't put your relationship first.

The first thing you should do is sit down and talk to your husband about your marriage. You should both, calmly, explain to each other what you expect out of the marriage. If necessary, give yourselves a week to think about it then come back with your list. Really listen to one another; not with the idea of judgment, but to really hear and understand where each other is coming from.

The next step is to ask each other if you're willing to do what it takes to get your relationship back on track. If so, then arrange an appointment with a marriage counselor and go. A good counselor will help you with your communication and trust issues.

Right now, neither one of you trusts the other. Your actions aren't healthy and are hurting your marriage. He can't talk to you, you're both being sneaky and creating an air of distrust. Only the two of you have control over your relationship and the things that affect them. Everyone is responsible for the improvement or end of a marriage. Both of you sound insecure about where you stand with each other, and confronting your husband will make him even more defensive. Instead of confrontation, call a truce; if your marriage is important to you tell him so, but let him know you both have to be committed to it.

Put down your boxing gloves and work it out.

Answer 2

Whoa lol you both are doing the same things to each other yet neither of u has budged in changing them..

Im a mother of 3, step mother of 2....

First i can tell u me and my husband have gone through our ups and downs of what is right and wrong where the kids are involved..

He pictured a household like u see on "REBA" and sorry but that rarely happens or works..it takes having 2 people that can 1. get along and 2. repect each other for that to happen.

Neither of u should ever be talking with the other about anything more then your children.. being best friends went out the door the moment that u both decided not only to get divorced but to remarry..

Neither of u should be going into the x's house for any reason.. unless its impairative that u be there, theres no reason ur husband couldnt take his son and go out to lunch or take him back to ur house for a few hours to do the visit.. or if nothing else played with him outside in their yard, neither one of u should ever put urselves in a situation of being "alone" with anyone of the opposite sex let alone an x .. it causes to much doubt and speculation.. and ur SPOUSE should come first unless its life and death then ur child should come first.. but the x's need to be put in their place of where they fall on this totum pole.. Your children will survive fine with out either of u going into the others houses.. its one thing to be civil its another to try and have a "relationship" for the kids.. all that does is confuse the kids and plays on their hope that mommy and daddy will get together again, which all kids wish for..

He should visit with his son anytime he can, but he needs to do it away from the x and their home.. and u need to stop allowing ur x to come into ur job just to "talk".. that can wait till after ur done working and on the phone.. and the convos need to be civil but only about your kids..

Your spouse, you, your daughter and his son, are your family, the x's are to be made like the third wheel.. not your spouses.. and definately not ur kids..

U better start compromising with ur husband and getting this all resolved or ur marriage is headed for disaster..

Answer 3

when u confront him, he will most certainly turn it around and say it is u, and deny what his part in it is. seems like this is going to be hard to work out, he seems to be so emotionally tied to his ex, and when u have problems in a relationship, it never helps to go outside the marriage and confide in someone else. seems he is still very much tied to this ex, in some emotional way. if he shares everything with her, won't be long until they are back together, since u and him are fighting, and haven't resolved the problems. u both have ex's and you both are jealous of these ex's, makes for a very unhappy marriage. doesn't seem as if he is completely over her, may never be.

Answer 4

In the case of the child, yes they need to keep the lines of communication open. But...he is married to you and needs to respect your wishes. The only convo. that needs to be exchanged between them is about the child, and a "how are you doing?". The fact that he talks about your private affairs and your marriage, would pi$$ me off as well. That is none of her business. And tell him you would feel more comfortable if you went with him while he visited their house. If he loves you, he will compromise and understand where you are coming from. You two need to work on trust issues though, going through each others emails, shows insecurities and trust issues on both sides. You need to talk to him about this. Good luck! :)

Answer 5

It sounds like he is still in love with his ex. I had a similar problem. My ex use to compare me to his ex all the time. When I finally gave him a divorce the first thing he did was run back to her, not long after they were remarried. You are going to have to get out of this. You will never be happy with this man. In all due respect, even if he is not sleeping with her, he is cheating with her in his mind. Be Strong!! You can make it and be a whole lot happier.

Answer 6

It sounds like both of you are not trusting the other. You got to have trust and good communication to make a marriage work. You two need to set down and talk without blaming the other. It should also go both ways if you talk to your X on occasion than you can't expect him not to talk to his. Also you should not be looking at his e-mail unless he has given you permission ( my hubby will sometimes ask me to look at his and tell him if someone has wrote him back ) Trust each other unless he gives you good reason not to.

Answer 7

He needs to respect your wishs , you are his wife, i would never to go the exs for anything but pick up my kids. Seems hes still in love with her and maybe thers something going on and also you have right not to tust plus invading your emails is wrong but to view his under the circumstances is right. Need to sit down and get it all out or your doomed in this marriage

Answer 8

Well I think both of you need to talk about it. You both are going to be apart of your exes lives realistically forever. But you don't have to be in their lives. Its okay to Be friends with the exes, but again that's where you draw the line. If him visiting with her bothers you that much then you definitely need to talk about it. Remember there was a reason they got divorced, and your his wife now. Good Luck to Both of you

Answer 9

these are all problems due to excess baggage...

me -- i won't get married to someone with excess baggage...did that and learned the hard way.....

No baggage for this chick

sorry for your prediciment...I don't see a way out until the kid is 18

Answer 10

This is a respect issue and if he is not willing to respect you then why be with him.