13yr old step-son becoming jealous of unborn baby... advice?

Question

My husbands son is 13 yrs old, and lives with his mom during the week. He comes to stay with us over the weekend and we have always had alot of fun. He's a good lad, well behaved.. etc..

The only criticism I would have is that his mother really coddles him. He's very much a mommies-boy. Even at 13 yrs old he 'pouts' and expects to be cuddled and kissed if he bangs his finger or anything minor like that. His mother still treats him very much like a little child - even in the way she talks to him.

I have been a part of his life for about 7 years now since his dad and I got together. We are expecting a child now and he is displaying some jealous-type behaviour. He says things that bother me. And it's got me worried. For example. I was explaining the role of Folic Acid during pregnancy, so that the baby doesn't develope neural disorders - he was laughing and asking if it would come out looking retarded if I didn't take it. He makes comments about the baby like this every so often.

His dad got angry the other day because his son and his son's mother were joking around about a cartoon sketch where a kid drops a baby and accidentally kicks it across the floor.

We haven't verbally corrected him yet, as he has never been a bad kid, and we're trying to figure out if these comments are coming from a growing resentment toward our unborn baby.

At the moment I don't want to get angry with him in case it pushes him away and makes him feel worse. I want his dad and I to address the real problem.

How do you tell this to a 13 yr old who probably doesn't realise he is subconsciously growing jealous and upset by the whole thing? He does tend to hide his feelings about stuff - and often pretends things are ok when we know they're not. Like we knew he was getting bullied at school - but he would never say anything, it's just the way he is.

Any advice?

kodapia - That's interesting. I hope your sister can work through it, I'm hoping to 'nip it in the bud' and deal with it before it get's dangerous.

Yes he lives with his mum and I suspect that she is laughing along when he says insulting things about the baby.

It wasn't a bad break-up, but she is a controlling woman, and because she coddles him so much, I think she is trying to make him feel like it's not important whether he likes the baby or not. Obviously she would want his dad's attention to be 100% on her son.

Answer 1

while explaining anything to him, give him a bit of importance. Generally kids like him loves attention and the reason behind jealosy can be the baby taking all the attention. Better the kid shud not be told much about the unborn and given the kind of attention he was used to. He is still a tender mind and with positivity, you can mek the difference.

Answer 2

His mother treating him like a little boy could be a problem.
But at this age, it might just be puberty and growning up. It might make this son uncomfortable when in a discussion about your pregnancy. He's probably using sarcasm, snide laughter as a defense mechanism. He's vulnerable from being constantly cuddled from his birthmother. He's used to being an only child and adaptation to a new brother or sister can be extremely hard on a kid. Especially since he's a he and less likely to show it emotionally and because he's also going through puberty.
The male population have more shallow limbic systems which is why girls can express themselves emotionally so much easier. He's used to being the only child. It's hard for him when suddenly all the attention is towards the new baby. Concentrate sometimes on him. Parents about to have babies usually discuss babies as the main topic of every single discussion. He's feeling crowded out maybe and less important. Which is very bad at this age. He could turn rebellious and resentful to you guys.

Answer 3

You have to say who is the parent in this equation. You and your husband are. Your step son is intitled to his opinion but I would not allow him to call the baby other names. I would find that to be very disrespectful and tell him the baby's name will be Ashton and he will have to except it period. I personally would never give second thought of changing a name I liked just because someone else did not like it. Ashton is a very nice name for a little boy and I would tell the step son that he can pick and choose baby names when he becomes an adult and has children of his own. Until then he needs to refere to the baby by the name you chose. Good Luck

Answer 4

Hi there - sounds like he is very anxious about what his new position will be when the baby comes along. He is probably not so much jealous as worried that you and his Dad won't love him and that he will be pushed aside. My approach would be to be really kind to him as he is obviously insecure about himself and his place in between his parents. Maybe you could have a chat and talk to him about his concerns. Take him for a walk and talk to him on the way. Ask him how he feels about you and his Dad having a baby. Remind him that it is exciting to have a new brother or half brother around. Get him involved and keep reassuring him and you will find his behaviour wil turn around. Maybe he doesn;t even know why he is acting like that and it will help everyone to get things out in the open. Best of Luck

Answer 5

Have you talked to your husband about his? Normally, if you let the child be a part of the pregnancy on, the older child will feel as special as the newborn. Let him feel, talk to, and read to the unborn baby. Teach the boy to love the unborn and teach the boy to feel the importance of being a big brother. When we teach our step children what we feel is important and to be adults, the children are more likely to be more adult-like. If you feel uncomfortable, talk to your husband and talk him into getting the school social worker to work with the boy. Be extremely careful and do not leave the two children alone together until you feel comfortable.

Answer 6

I can see why this would be worrying, but I dont think it's eveidence of a deeper psychological problem. I think he's anxious and jealous and worried about the unborn child in some way usurping him.

I'd just make him feel part of teh whole proccess, give him jobs to do, ask adnice on names and nursery decoration etc. Just make sure he understands he is part of your family, and you will love him and your baby equally.

Good Luck
x

Answer 7

I think he is over worried about himself than jealous... tel his dad to talk to him.. and also to tell him that he has a great responsiblitity as he would be a big brother, so he has to take care of the baby.. as he is a mature and big boy now, try to bring this thing in his head.. i am sure he will behave properly..

Answer 8

Make him feel extra special. This is a very hard time for him, having had his dad and you all to him self b4, now he wont. Talk to HIM to help him understand that he will still have all you love, and include him with the birth and parenting.
Good luck and congrats!

Answer 9

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Answer 10

hi there, my sister is in the same situation as she just gave birth 3 days ago and her partners child has been doing the same(she also lives with her real mum)... did your partner and his ex have a bad break up? as we just found out that it was her mother saying things and buying her things so she would take no interest in the new baby and she would repeat what her mother had said... good luck its not an easy thing to deal with...