Should I forgive my Grandma for what she did?

Question

My grandma has been dead since 94 or 96 and since then what she did to my mom, has come out. My father was the abusive type, mentally, verbal, and physical. Once when he smacked my brother and called him a very bad name, who was from my mother's previous marriage. My mom decided to kick my dad out of the house. I was still at a young age at this time. At this time we lived with my grandmother on my mom's side and had nowhere else to go. My grandma told her own daughter to go and beg for him to come back or she would throw her out of the house. Meaning that she would take my brother and I away from our mom. My grandma many times tried to take me away from my mom. Even though my mom was a very good mom and did nothing to deserve her children being taken away. So with that option, my mom went and asked my dad to come back home. Things didn't stop and we had to endure more abuse from my father.

My Grandma knew of the abuse and its severity. She knew about the times that my dad tried to kill me while I was still not born and also all the times that he threatened to kill all 3 of us, Mom, Brother,and Me. My mom was to scared to do anything up until she kicked my dad out of the house and she was then threatened by her own mom. My mom finally divorced my dad, while she had some protection. My dad ended up abusing me in a way that I won't say here but I see the main reason why he was able to do that was because of what my Grandma did. Even after the divorce and after the visitation rights were gone, there was still the fear of my dad trying to kidnap me. All that didn't stop my grandma from still trying to take me away from my mom. Now I am married and have my first child on the way and I feel that I should come to terms with my grandma or at least what ever memory there is of her. Should I forgive her despite it all or is this one of those unforgivable things?

As far as finances went at the time, my mom worked full time as a nurse. It was mostly because anytime that my mom did anything wrong, my dad would threaten to kill either her or her children. He even threatened me that if I told my mom what he did, that he would chop my mom up with a chainsaw. I was only 4 years of age. My father was capable of doing anything. So it was mostly out of fear that my mom didn't go to the authorities until much later.

Answer 1

Forgive her for the sake of your own mental health. I would seriously consider counselling to help you overcome the trauma caused during your childhood. But, in your own due time, forgive her...she may have been raised in such a manner that any other way was unacceptable or proper. I hope you heal soon.

Answer 2

It's tough for you to know the real history of the relationship your grandma had with your mother. It sounds as if they didn't get along, and perhaps your grandma couldn't burden the stress of having everyone there living with her. Also, your grandma could have been "old school" and thought that people should have to confront the choices they made in life, sorting out their own messes.

Granted, this was a pretty serious mess. So it's hard to say. You didn't explain your mom's financial situation and dependencies, or why she wouldn't report it to the authorities. Your grandma was not your mom's only option in my opinion, so you can't rest all of the blame on her.

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Update

I guess I'm not following the part about living with your grandma, since you said your mom kicked your dad out of the house. I'm sorry to hear that physical abuse was involved. That's one of the toughest things for anyone to get over and live a normal life. I'm glad that you're starting a new family now, and that you were finally able to get your life back in order. If it were me, I'd lean towards the side of forgiveness. It's the right thing to do.

Answer 3

well it sounds like your grandmother had her own abusive relationship somewhere down the road and the only way she knew how to deal with those kinds of things was to put up with it...when your mother did the right thing and left..your grandmother probably didnt understand..because she is old school and thinks you have to stick by your guy abusive and all...i myself still have issues about my grandmother..she was abusive to her children when they were young and didnt really care for me or my brothers because my mom is caucasian..my dad is hispanic...but after her death it did take a long time to get over the things she did to us and to them...but i couldnt continue living with the anger and hurt i felt because it was prohibiting me from living...there is nothing that can be done to change what she did but you can take what she did and use it as a lesson in your own life so that you can protect your family...

Answer 4

You know, it is far easier to forgive the person, but not the actions .. and ...

For your own sake (and the sake of your marriage/future infant, and your own mental health), PLEASE ask for a referral for counseling for Domestic Violence Survivors ... believe me, you will definitely appreciate being with other survivors of this kind of abusive relationships, finding out how they have survived (and thrived), and learn ways on how they found the peace to finally be able to look forward with confidence and put the past behind them.

Answer 5

You can't forgive her because she is no longer here to forgive. What you need to do now is deal with the anger and hatred you have left over because of what she did.

How you deal with those emotions will be very individual to you.

The most important thing to remember is that just because you stop hating her doesn't mean that you condone what she did.

Answer 6

I think you should find it easier to forgive the person but not their actions! I have a similar situation and this worked for me. It does not excuse what they have done but will put your mind at peace!

Answer 7

forgive. she is gone now and holding a grudge agasint her does nothing for you except cause you pain. let go today.
sometimes people dont see the best in a situation, they dont see it all the way through.

Answer 8

Yes you should forgive her for that is what Jesus would want you to do.

Answer 9

LSD said it perfect.