mother in-law problems?

Question

I should first mention that my husband and I are expecting our first child and trying to repair the damage (we're both guilty of!) in our marriage. But, my mother in-law keeps wanting to interfere! My husband is an only child (which makes life so much fun!). She wants to know everything on our finances, our budget, you name it! Also, everytime she has a chance to speak with me, she keeps telling me how the baby will most likely look like my husband and her. How can you tell what the baby will look like from the ultra-sound?? Its like she trying to discredit my DNA compleatly!
Also, my mom is throwing me a baby shower. Its been planned since October, now my mother in-law (who said she wanted NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SHOWER) is all upset and pissy because she is not the one hosting it! She is even telling all of her friends and family members my husband and my personal issues!
My shower is next week, and I'm really not looking forward to dealing with her! HELP

Answer 1

Your husband needs to talk to his mom and let her know that she is causing you UNDUE stress! He can even tell her that SHE can throw you HER OWN shower if she feels so left out.

Answer 2

Try to be patient. After all she is your husband's mother. But you should talk with your husband and ask him gently to tell his mother not to interfere so much. If he refuses leave him. She will only get worse by time and then she will interfere in your child's life too. I know, I'm there and I can't leave after two children and no job and family. I feel that when I got married I didn't marry only my husband but his parents as well. They are telling him what to do all the time and he's 41! Now after 16 years of marriage I feel trapped because he listens to them and they are always against me. Be careful and good luck.

Answer 3

I am so sorry for you. I can feel your pain. My own mother in law did these sorts of things as well. The worst part was she was nice to me in person and did them when she was away from us. The best thing we did was live 4 hours away from her. It didn't stop her from being the way she is but it limited our exposure to her. The only thing I can think of is to ask for "whole family counseling" and see if everyone could work through their issues in a neutral environment. The nice thing is, if your mother in law is out of hand, a counselor won't mind telling her and then it's not coming from you. It kind of relives the pressure. No matter what she says or does, enjoy your special day and your friends and family. Smile even if she's out of line. Let her be the one to look bad by her own actions. But don't give her a reaction back. I know how hard that is, trust me. Try to discount the things she says that are irrelevant. I now it's hard to let them roll off your back, but in the end, the baby will look like it's supposed to and nothing she says can change that. Best wishes to you and you family.

Answer 4

Consider moving...
Yes I know this is not a easy or pratical answer for some people but 1 , 2 5 , 10 hours away from a problem may let you and your hubby resolve your own issues in private.
If the "problem" person or persons persist in following you, slam they together. You will need to stand united or it will fail. So resolve problem 1 first then 2.
Sometimes a freash dtart will work wonders.
PS: a hour commute will not mean changing jobs in many cases.

Many people I work with commute 1 to 1.5 hoours each way.

Answer 5

I suggest you purchase this book: Toxic In-Laws, Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by Susan Forward

I have had serious MIL problems and didn't know how to handle it. My husband and I almost had a divorce while we were pregnant with our second child (planned pregnancy) due to what we let his mother get away with. Even before that we had to convince her it was HER idea for us to get married ... so speaking of special occastion, she was bragging to my parents at the ceremony that is was her idea we get married.

I really don't know how you can deal with her at the shower next week. My stomach is sick just thinking about what you are going through. The shower isn't the right time to make a big scene. Just try to make it through and please, please, pretty please buy and read the book ... sooner than later! I cannot tell you how much the book is helping me with my sanity!

Please read the book! If only you knew the hell I've gone through before now!

feel free to email or IM me.

And in regards to the comment after mine, moving does not always solve the problem. 2 hours was not far enough away ... trust me! But after starting the book I'm not as concerned about living in the same city anymore (we had to move back).

Answer 6

Congratulations on your first baby. From the ultrasound pictures you can tell how the baby is going to look. My baby girl looked exactly as she did on the ultrasound pictures when she was born, you might have to wait until the last month to get a good face picture. Although you can tell what the baby is going to look like it is hard to tell who they are going to look like. Usually babies look like their mothers when they are born, but that changes with time. As for your mother in law, try not to pay too much attention to her (this is not the time to be angry and worry). You live with your husband and not her, tell her that. My best advice would be to talk to her and let her know how she is making you feel and if she wants to see the baby she better behave. The worst thing you could do by talking to her is upsetting her and not seeing her for a few weeks. I was in the same boat and after sitting her down and explaining how she made me feel things became better. Good luck to you and your new family.

Answer 7

Honestly it sounds to me your mother-in-law is a mother that really loves the idea of your marriage so much that she is becoming too intrusive...Mothers can be like that when they love you guys so much that it now "appears" controlling. She is probably a woman who wants to make sure everythig goes perfectly.

And believe it or not, in terms of science fact, children who are born will tend to look more like the husband than the wife simply because through evolutionary time it was more beneficial that the man was able to identify their offspring as theirs by physical traits so that he knew his wife hadnt slept with others...Its a weird thought but it is actually a fact (check up wikipedia on human evolution and procreation). But i dont think it was a good thing that your mother-in-law would say such a thing.

My suggestion is to let your hubby know how stressed you are feeling and to have him talk to his mother in a way that he doesnt say you are the one asking her to back down...that way she doesnt feel you hate her.

In my opinion it just sounds like she is over-caring and doesnt want things to go wrong which can drive alot of people crazy...including me.

Answer 8

First of all, from what you are saying, it sounds like you and your husband have already had marital problems in the past. The first thing you should do right now is sit down, you and your husband, and tell him how you are feeling about his mother's interfering in your married life. Your finances and decisions are not her concern - especially not if she's just asking to use it against you. Once you and your husband are able to sit down and talk about what has been going on, you BOTH need to speak to your mother in law together about her interfering and speaking down to you. If you think it's bad now, it will only get worse with the birth of your child. You need to let her now how her attitude is affecting your marriage.

Answer 9

I can't really offer any advice on this, but as far as a child's DNA... scientists think that the reason MOST (not all) babies look like their fathers at birth is to promote father child bonding. My son (8 months) was born looking just like his father, but now doesn't resemble him at all.

As far as your mother in law goes, the same happened to me in my first marriage. I simply told her that I appreciated her input, but that the bottom line was that it was MY marriage and MY life, and that although we loved having her around, we didn't need her to fix our problems. I told her that I w asn't trying to be rude, but her son and I are both adults, and we can fix this. I also explained ot her that it's harder to fix marital problems when there is a 3rd party interfering. I also told my mother in law that anything we discussed was to stay between the 3 of us, and no one else had any business knowing. She never even realized how badly she was interferring. We had a good relationship after that (even after the divorce) until she passed away a year ago tomorrow.

Good luck.

Answer 10

yeah....this is YOUR baby shower. You need to have your husband tell her to back off. If she is unable to do that....she should rethink her attendance at the shower. Don't let her rain on your parade. Maybe she can't deal with the attention your husband is giving you....if he's an only child maybe he is TOO important to her, you know?

MIL needs to get a life, honey. Your husband needs to stand up for you.

God Bless....

Answer 11

Ahh the good ol mil who doesn't like you. My ex MIL used to say I was the best DIL until her son cheated on me and some how it was my fault. she even went as far as accusing me of cheating on him with a friend of mine for six months, I had only known him for 3 weeks max. Anyways tell your hubby that he needs to talk to her. She has no right to interfere in your life or make comments like the baby will not look like you, that is nonsense!!! I hope your child looks more like you to show her how wrong she is, it'd be a slap in her face to say the least. Try to kill her with kindness and keep on your husband about standing up for you because it's his job she can't rule his life anymore he is grown up and she needs to realize that. Sorry you have a nosey rude MIL.