My son said something to me earlier that really disturbed me?

Question

My 4 year old son told me earlier that "i am not good dad and he wishes i would die so he could go live with ashley". Ashleys my ex girlfriend, shes not even his mom (his mom left 3 years ago). Ever since ashley and I have broken up I havent let her come around or let him call her. Im not sure if that was a good decision. He really loves her, and she loves him as if he were her own. I know he didnt mean what he said but it hurt and I dont know how to explain to him how mean it was. And I dont know if i should let Ashley come around either, I think she wants to but I dont know if id be comfortable with it.

Answer 1

You have a talk with Ashley and get this hashed out. No child should have that level of anxiety

Answer 2

I have a 4 year old daughter and she has said something like that to me before, it's normal. He doesn't mean it (of course). You should let him know that what he said hurt you and that you love him wether he likes it or not. As for the Ashley thing, you should keep in mind that when your little boys real mother left, he was too young to know her. If Ashley has been his mother figure and now is just GONE, he is probably unnecessarily having to mourn the loss of her. No one likes for someone they love to be ripped away from them without a choice in the matter. If it were me and my child was pining for someone they love, I would give her a call, tell her the situation, and ask if she would like to be his FRIEND. Then you could set up occasions when she could take him out or even babysit for you while you take care of some dad stuff. I know you say that you don't know if you'd be comfortable with it, but is your son comfortable with being told that he can never again see this person that he loves? You're grown, you can manage and understand your emotions alot better than a 4 year old (obviously since he said that he wants you to die), give the little guy a break, if you love him, then why make him suffer because you didn't mesh well with her?

Answer 3

Your son is only saying these things out of anger. I am a single parent as well. My son is 3. In the past I have kept my dates away from my son because I did not want him to become attached. I know have a boyfriend an him and my son are really close.

I don't see the problem with Ashley visiting him and spending time with him. He has grown to love her and she loves him. I understand that you and her are no longer together but I don't think that you should have seperated them so quickly. She's known him for 3 years of his life. She is the only mother figure he has known. Regardless of whether she is his biological mother or not, she can still have that love for him.

Let them spend time together once a week or maybe even once a month if you are not comfortable. It is evident that he misses her.

Answer 4

I am sure it is very painful for him that Ashley is no longer a part of your lives. She probably meant the world to him and he doesn't understand why she is gone. He is four years old, he wouldn't understand. I'd talk to him about it, tell him, if Ashley is willing, that she will always be his friend and maybe let him call her. But only if she agrees. If she wants nothing to do with him, then it will be tough, but it will be something he will get over in time. In the mean time spend time with him. Take him to the park, the zoo, anywhere you think he'd have fun. At night, read to him and rock him to sleep. He will feel loved by you and will eventually get used to the idea of not having a mother figure around, especially if you take on both roles. There is alot you can do to fill that emptiness in his heart.

Answer 5

I would say next time wait longer before letting him meet the GF..at least while he's so young. I dont mean to be rude at all you were in a long term relationship. Unfortunantly, a four year old doesnt get it. Maybe show him that now you have way more time to do extra special things with him. Take him camping in the living room or out for a special meal. Don't bribe him with things, but with your love. Show him that being with you is awesome even if ashley isnt there. After a while he'll forget her. which may be hard and sad for him, but honestly chances are if she gets in another relationship and especially if she gets married and has kids of her own one day she may have less time for him and if hes older this may hurt him more.

Answer 6

First kids cays that stuff all the time. I told it to my parents and they were married. But it still hurts.

That said, I would be open to letting Ashley spend time with your son. there are a lot of things to consider. Do you think you and Ashley will be friends ever again? Did you break up because of anything really bad or did things just not work out?

If she becomes involved, you need to have a really serious conversation about her commitment. You don't want her getting too busy to see him or changing her mind once she started dating someone else. How about when you start dating again? Is she willing to take on the role of an Aunt?

Also I'd want to know more about your other family. Does your son have lots of good female role models? Most kids can use another good role model, most of us do not have huge wonderful families.

Answer 7

You have to think about his feelings. If Ashley was there for him for the past 3 years then he probably thinks of her as a mom figure. You cant just take her out of his life cold turkey. You should let them see each other. If you really dont want her around all the time then slowly move her out of his life. He doesn't need another woman abandoning him.

Answer 8

Your son is right...you're NOT a good dad. All you have thought about is your penis and what use you could get out of your ex girlfriend and when her usefullness was no longer appealing to you, you told her to leave. You did all of this without thought of your son. A GOOD dad thinks of his child's needs BEFORE his own...Too bad his mother isn't around or a BETTER influence...because this poor child certainly doesn't deserve to be in your custody.

Answer 9

Kids say mean things all the time. Explain to him that what he said hurtyour feelings...he'll understand. As far as your ex goes, if you don't want her around then don't bring her around-but I'd be more careful about who you bring around from now on because I'm sure he's hurt that he lost someone that was importnant to him. Good Luck

Answer 10

Sometimes kids say things that hurts. From a kids point of view that says 'i miss her. she was fun.' Maybe you disilplined him and she didn't.. it doesn't mean he doesn't like you or is not happy. Kids say what they think and mean, and the next mintue they think and feel something else. When my kid says she is not happy... I am so upset.. then when she says she is happy, I am confused but happy that I am doing good... Things change all the time. I think what he meant was that he misses her and as far as wanting to live with her... if he was actually living with her.. he would be homesick... it all depends on the moment

Answer 11

His feelings are very important. In this circumstance yours are not. Get over your jealousy and your insecurity and let them get together. He is feeling abandoned. He is feeling alone and rejected. He is egocentric cause all these kids are, and he is taking it very personally that she no longer want to be with him. Even if this is not the case, he is likely personalizing it all and blaming himself. Get over yourself and do what's right for your kid. That's what being a parent is all about. It's hard, it's not fair and it hurts alot sometimes. You are the grown up and are much more able to deal with your misplaced emotions and feelings/.