I am been in an abusive relationship for 18 years, he has now decided to seek counselling. Does it work and what are the odds that he will change? Or should I just give up now and leave. There are two teenage children involved.
2007-01-14 15:05:36 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
it really depends on the person...if they are committed to changing or not.
2007-01-14 15:08:31 · answer #1 · answered by Steph 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Wow, that is a hard one.
Yes, it IS possible for a person who is abusive to change. It can be a long process to effect a permanent change, though the abuse should be expected to stop immediately ....
i.e. a person seeking help and to change can choose to control their behaviour and stop a lot of the abuse at once with effort, and then the counseling and continued "practice" helps it to become easier ...
It depends a lot on what the motivation is .. is the person really sees their behaviour is wrong and wants to change, then the prognosis is excellent! If the person is doing it for someone else or to save a relationship, but they don't really see the problem ...well, the result is less assured.
I wish you well. Get into counseling yourself so that you have someone to suport and validate you along the way, and help you make the decisions you may come up against.
Only you can decide when enough is enough .. and it is a difficult place to be.
2007-01-14 23:09:28 · answer #2 · answered by Pichi 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
After 18 years, it could take a very long time for him to change, if he can. It would probably be best to move apart for a while and give him room to change. The abused needs to take no chances and get some counseling.
By the way, are you the one in the relationship, is it a parent or a friend? Your other question indicates you are a dating teen. Either way, if this is real for you, good luck and God bless you.
2007-01-14 23:11:12 · answer #3 · answered by C C 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Eighteen years is a lot of behavior to change.
Most people do not make this change successfully. Most can behave for short periods of time. Most can make it look pretty impressive - especially toa spouse who really needs it to work.
I guess very, very rarely someone manages to change, but it is usually a person who gets treatment at a young age - when youth and lack of experience may be contributing to the problem in the first place.
Two teenagers being involved makes your decisions harder. I know it does. But two teenagers being involved won't make any difference to the success rate of treatment.
I hate to seem pessimistic to you, but lasting change after eighteen years of abusive behavior in a middle aged or soon to be middle aged adult is unlikely. Possible . . . but pretty slim.
Good luck. You are in my thoughts . . .
2007-01-14 23:13:19 · answer #4 · answered by Quantum Aurelius 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Draw a line in the sand so if you have to leave it will be his transgression, but I'd say after 18 years you have been giving him plenty of chances, so if it doesn't change soon, 20 years in the abusive relationship will be too long.
2007-01-14 23:09:48 · answer #5 · answered by theshadowknows 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If they commit to it then it is possible. If you dont feel comfortable or safe then go and wait till you feel comfortable around them again before you and the teenagers return. If they can really chang then it is worth it. If you leave and they dont change then you wont have to worry about leaving when it gets worse. Never make yourself stay in a situation where you are not comfortable. It isnt worth it.
2007-01-14 23:12:59 · answer #6 · answered by 0111450 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋
If he's really wanting to change and he's ready to be commmented then he can change but he has to be the one who wants to and be the one who will be willing to stick out counseling. Give him a chance and see if he does change. If he doesn't then you can leave him but I'd give him a chance if I were you.
2007-01-14 23:09:58 · answer #7 · answered by Irish Girl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Abusers CAN change if they really want to change and if they get the proper help. That means that he should be in counseling with someone that knows this particular field and not some rookie straight out of school. Also, you'll need to cooperate in helping him learn new behaviors.
But, yes, abusers can change. It's like quitting smoking, it's not easy but if a person is sufficiently motivated then they can succeed.
2007-01-14 23:11:38 · answer #8 · answered by Resurrected Lover 3 · 0⤊ 6⤋
I'll answer your question with this question, which will make sense to you in the end.
If you take spoiled milk out of the frig. and smell it, then put it back in the frig. will it get any better....? NO.
It never does, Get better, just like him, he will never get better.
Habbits like this are never broken.
2007-01-14 23:10:37 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
no not really if its not physical its verbal or emotional its part of the way there brain works.find a place of safety for you and your children,they are old enough and you don't want them to think that it is what to expect from their marriages.
2007-01-14 23:09:39 · answer #10 · answered by resigned 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think you should leave. I don't think that someone like that can change enough to make your life better.
2007-01-14 23:09:57 · answer #11 · answered by t s 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋