Do I help my sister who won't help herself?

Question

My sister is 28,she has 3 children.She is collecting disability&she has a live-in boyfriend who can work but,doesn't.Her income is only $600 month.Her oldest son,also collected disability but, she signs the check over to his dad.This is half of her income given to another male bum.She is currently in the eviction process of her apartment.She made a decision about 2 months ago against my advice,not to pay her rent because she said the landlord didn't fix anything.She was going to save money for a new apartment.I knew she couldn't save but, she assured me she had $1500 saved.Today,she admitted to me she has no money.I had to buy them formula,food and diapers.She had not made the efforts to sign up for food stamps,etc.She will be given 3 dys notice to get out.We have 3 xtra bdrms for her or give her $ to get a new apartment.But,we've been in this situation before and since August 2005 have spent $16K bailing her out.Do I help?or does she go to a shelter til she is ok on her own. Help!

Answer 1

You can not help anyone who isn't willing to help themself. I know, I've been there with my younger brother....all it did was prove what I knew in my heart--my brother will never change so long as there is someone who will bail him out.

You've invested way more time, effort, and energy into someone who is not grateful, appreciative, or honest...you should be investing that time, effort, and energy into YOURSELF.

Unless and until she is forced into a position to get her act together she won't....and even then that's questionable. Not you, or anyone else, owes her any favors. She's old enough to know better yet she chooses not to do better...what kind of example is she for her kids? All she's teaching them is it's okay to be irresponsible becaue there's always someone out there willing to clean up her mess.

I would tell her to hit the shelter but I would take the kids in...I would even go so far as to take custody of them.

Answer 2

The only way I would help her again is without the boyfriend who can work but doesnt. Maybe she needs to hit bottom before she decides to change some things. That is a very hard place for you to be because of the three kids. Why does she sign the check over to the other bum?
It may come to a point where the state gets involved and pulls her kids until she gets it together. I expect there are some other underlying problems. Unless you want three more kids, it may be time to let her see where things are going without you to fall back on.

Answer 3

I'm really sorry to hear about your sister's situation. It sounds like she can run to you to bail her out whenever she needs help. Some people need to learn the hard way. I would in this situation, say that she needs some good old fashion tough love. I can't say that in this situation because of the kids. If I were you, I would offer to take care of the kids until she gets on her feet. Tell her that you can no longer help her until you see that she is at least trying to help herself. When she gets a job, then you can invite her to your place for a while...only until she is able to get her own place. I would make her pay you a certain percentage out of her paycheck for rent and other expenses. I know it must be very hard for you to watch this....I think we all know someone in our families that make continuously makes bad decisions.

Answer 4

She should go to a shelter they can help her learn what a budget is. If you pull her out of this it is called enabling. You really need to let her fall so she can rise. If you want to help the kids talk to child and family services let them know you are willing to take the children but not mom. Let her get help she needs and right now that is NOT you.

Answer 5

You are a sweetheart but YOU NEED TO CUT HER OFF. This behavior will never change. Why should she change when she is always rescued.

Let her get evicted. It's called tough love. Maybe in the future she won't easily sign over her check.

Answer 6

Listen love,

I know it's tiring and stressful, and it hurts.
You CAN'T help someone if they're not willing to be helped. You CAN'T change someone unless they want to change. I learned the hard way with my drug addicted sisters. I always supported them emotionally and physically though, I always let them know that I'd never give up like everyone else in my family.

Tell her straight up that you can't be supporting her, and that if she doesn't smarten up she'll lose her children. That's a scary thought, she could never get them back.

Tell her that you can't help her financially anymore, and that she has to go to some food banks and sign up for stamps. If she can't take care of her children, then she doesn't deserve to have them.

You're only going to hurt yourself trying to help someone who isn't willing to get the help.

Good luck,

-.-'

Answer 7

You cannot help someone who is not interested in helping herself. Maybe the reason she is doing this, is because she thinks she will have you to bail her out. As long as you do bail her out, she does not have to fend for herself. It will be tough telling her no, but you will have to give her some 'tough love'. Do not feel guilty if you do not help out; it is time for her to make some changes and you can't keep being there. This time you must say no.

Answer 8

if she is on drugs then no dont help her tell her she needs to go to the clinic clean up but keep her kids while she is in... but if its just she is in money trouble then yeah but you need to set some rules if you will. Rules like her boyfriend needs to get a job and she needs a job while kids are in daycare or school and you know her so you set the rules she needs.. just have a talk with her about it..

Answer 9

As long as you keep bailing her out she will keep allowing herself to get into these situations. So, 16 grand later consider you hav enow learned yoru lesson and as hard as it sounds, stop helping; you are really only making a bad situation worse and prolonged. Fact is, unless someone truly wants to change they won;t and as long as you keep offering an incentive to not change, why would she want to...

Answer 10

Hard situation.

The sister in us wants to help and make things right.

The rational person in us KNOWS that they have to do this for themselves.

It is a struggle and a battle (my brother went through addiction), but let her know that you love her, but you cannot or will not give her money. She is 28 and old enough to take care of herself.