Divorce for emotional/mental/verbal abuse and threats to kill ok?

Question

Well...I left my husband due to "domestic violence" - which was mostly emotional/mental/verbal abuse...but did entail a few physical things and culminated in him threatening to kill me (and looking like he was trying) in the car. Had a big meeting with my church...do NOT intend to church bash...I love God and His people...but this church leader - whom I loved and respected so much - told me I could not come to the church if I divorced this man. I'm not divorced yet, but I'm working on it. Anyone have any thoughts about this? I read a good book (besides the Bible) called, "Divorce and Remarriage in the Church" and I did Bible research - and I think it's ok to divorce for abuse...what do you think?

Answer 1

Yes....it sounds like you need to find a more supportive church community. While I don't believe in taking divorce lightly, I don't think that it is God's intention that you stay married at all costs (including your life!)

Extreme abuse and threats are never okay...please be careful while you are in the process of getting the divorce. Maybe look into some domestic violence support groups that can help you.

Good luck, and please be careful.

Answer 2

While divorce is not God's plan and divorcing someone is clearly sin, sometimes there is no other way to go.

I have seen my own mother have to divorce a man who treated her harshly and violently at times. I am a child of divorce.

I have counseled people to do all they can do to make a situation work, to stay together for the children, to seek out how to love each other.
But sometimes there is nothing good going to come from the situation and the best thing to do for yourself and your children is to leave.
This does not mean that the relationship between you and your husband cannot be reconciled and worked on at a later time, but in the present situation, if it is as bad as you describe it, the best thing might be to go.
And, leaving might be the thing that kick him in the rear and makes him wake up.

If you have family or a church member who can help you and allow you to stay a while, then do so. But do not go back just because he cries and whines. You do not give in until you see the change that God wants to see in him. a loving heart and a changed mind.

Tough love. Not an easy thing to do. But sometimes necessary.

As for the church you are attending, every church has their own laws and conditions for their church members to follow. If that is their laws then you might need to find a new group of believers to fellowship with. A group that will support you and soak you in prayer for your situation. It sounds like your pastor is being very legalistic and is not presenting you with a God of grace and mercy for the situation you are facing.

God is able to forgive. He will and is able.

Hope that helps some

Jesus Loves You

Answer 3

Dear Hannah,
I am so sorry that you have had to suffer abuse. It is not OK to subject yourself to that sort of situation. This is a really hard question because as wives and as Christians we want to do what is right with God.
Firstly it is not OK for your husband to threaten to kill you. Your husband is not in a right relationship with God if he is acting this way.
Secondly it is not ok for this church leader to treat you this way.

Pray, seek, godly council from someone who will look out for your best interest.

Will you husband get counseling? Are you both born again believers? If so he should be repentant and willing to work on his anger and abuse problem? Divorce should be an extreme last option IF this guy is not a believer and IF he will not get help for his problem.
In the meantime, find a safe place to live until he gets help. Do not put yourself in harm's way. And don't be quick to divorce if he truly is saved and will get help.

Answer 4

it's odd that in the Bible the attitude and rights of women are not really validated but for men it's clearly spelled out.

In the old testament with all the laws of improper sex, the daughter is not listed as "off limits"

this opened my wife's eyes and she realized that abuse by men to women was blessed by the nomad god

since a marraige is between two people, when one breaks the aggreements the other should be able to go, irregardless of what religion protects abuse

Female Inferiority

"But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God." (I Corinthians 11:3)

"For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man." (I Corinthians 11:8-9)


The Bible's decree of male supremacy has kept woman inferior to men for centuries. For the religious, it comes as a sad fact that a human must have a penis to receive any respect or power within the Church.

All woman should realize that such phrases in the Bible has justified for many Christian men, not only their supremacy but a reason to sexually abuse women.

(See also I Cor. 14:34-36, I Timothy 2:8-15, I Peter 3:1-7, Ephesians 5:22-24, Col. 3:18-19)

Answer 5

Does God Hate ALL Divorce?

Let us look at the context of Malachi 2:16 to answer that question. In Malachi's time many Israelite men were divorcing their wives, possibly to marry younger, pagan women. God condemned this deceitful, treacherous conduct. (Malachi 2:13-16) Hence, what is hateful to God is the frivolous putting away of one mate so as to take another. One who deceitfully commits adultery and then either divorces his mate or pressures her to divorce him has committed a treacherous, hateful sin.

However, these verses do not condemn all divorce. This can be confirmed by Jesus' words: "Whoever divorces his wife, except on the ground of fornication, and marries another commits adultery." (Matthew 19:9) Here Jesus acknowledged that fornication is an acceptable ground for a Scriptural divorce—indeed, the only acceptable ground that allows for remarriage. An innocent spouse might decide to forgive the erring marriage mate. However, a person who chooses to use Jesus' statement as a basis for divorcing an adulterous mate is not doing something that Jehovah hates. It is the unfaithful spouse's deceitful conduct that is hated by God.

Here is a link to some other information. Remember, the bible says that the only grounds for divorce where you are free to remarry is fornication. However, abuse is grounds for separation or even divorce, but I don't think remarriage is allowed in that case, but I can't find any Scriptures for that.
http://www.watchtower.org/library/g/1999/4/22/article_03.htm

Answer 6

When you love someone, you don't do things to hurt them. You are suppose to protect them from harm. The person that is suppose to love you should NEVER: strike you, push you, or cause harm to you in any way. Call you names, make you feel bad about yourself or who you are, blame you for his or her actions, manipulate you into doing things that may not be good for you or things that you really feel bad about doing. DON'T make excuses for there behavior DON'T blame yourself for the actions of another DO get some help and get out of the situation as soon as possible, if your partner needs to get help, they will have to do this on there own. Your place is to take care of you and or your children first. DO find a support group of others who have the same things in common as you do...an abusive partner...strength comes in numbers. Usually by the time we are ready to leave our abusers we are on the brink of suicide or completely hollow as they tend to bleed us dry of life. To all who reads this, leaving an abuser is hard because we have learned a warped sense of love, and if this is all we know anything else, then we don't know that there is something out there that is better. We are often told that no one else would ever want us, that we have nothing to offer or that we have too much baggage. We are often made to feel ugly or stupid, and made to believe that we could do nothing without our abuser. So it's not just a physical abuse it's a mental screwing that we get to go with it.

Answer 7

I was in the same type of church. I went to church with black eyes and bruises all the time and they always said it had to be my fault. Then he decided to leave me, but when he came and raped me, they said it was my fault. I divorced him and left the church. They are some really mixed up people. And you'd be surprised how many ministers hurt their wives. I'm not trying to tell you how to believe, but leaving that particular church that values your safety so little would be the best thing for you.

By the way, did you know that according to the church, a man can divorce a woman for infidelity, but you can't divorce him for abuse???? Your question really stirs up some bad feelings in me and I have to say that I am so much happier without them telling me what God wants for me in my life. Who do they think they are? They don't realize the liability they put on themselves by telling you not to leave or divorce him if he does hurt you.

Believe me, it's bad advice. So what if you can't remarry, the bible said in Ecclesiastes that men are to love their wives. He's not showing you love by abusing you. It's a men's club. Get out and be grateful you can. There are many churches that don't believe that way. You should seek one out if you feel the need. You'd be surprised to realize how much they have controlled your life. That's not what God wants for you.

Do you want to know how I know this? Because after years of the church telling me I had to stay, I went to a quiet spot and talked - really spilled my guts, outloud - to God and said that if this is the life He wants for me, then I accepted it. I also added that I hoped He wouldn't give me a long life in that case. When I got home, my husband - totally out of the blue - said he had to divorce me or he was going to die. It just came to him. That's how I got free. God does not expect you to live with abuse and any church that tells you otherwise is worshiping a false god.

God wants us to have peace and joy. Not abuse. Lose the church and find another that really knows God.

Answer 8

Of course, of course, it is the only solution!
You should not subject yourself to anymore abuse.

This person in the Church who has turned his back on you is not a truly spiritual person, but a person who is confined by antiquated, narrow-minded rules that were created many, many hundreds of years ago. This person does not have your best interest at heart, and is not a true friend and supporter.
Do what you need to do to survive and proper the way God would want you to live - without hate, fear and abuse in your life.
If you need to cut ties with this person in the church, you would not be the first to be "rejected" for trying to heal your life. Move on to a place where you can find acceptance, support and comfort with other liked-minded, Christian people.

Answer 9

Absolutely / God doe not want a person in a unhappy relationship If you really Love this person and wish to be with him then get him into a church that works in the gifts so a true man of God can lay hands on him and pray that this demonic spirit will leave him /People can change but its only through Jesus Christ that true deliverance will come

Answer 10

Absolutely.

Christ intended the woman to be a helper - not a punching bag.

Genesis 2:18 (NLT)
And the Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion who will help him."

See here for further:
http://www.gotquestions.org/abuse-divorce.html

Time to divorce that particular church, as well.