My Niece sent a birthday party invitation to my sister's 60th birthday party at a restaurant and stated it would be $50 per person, plus perhaps $9 for parking. She included a card like a wedding for us to fill in with the number of persons that would attend and we were to sent our check to her. She also included a note about the restaurant and how it would make things easier when the check came if we would pay ahead of time. Family members felt when they received the invitation that they were being "invited" to pay for a party they had no choice about the planning in. I expressed that to my niece and she cancelled the whole affair and will not speak to anyone in the family. The invitations were handmade and very lovely. What should I do? Was she wrong?
2007-01-14 11:19:46 · 11 answers · asked by Lynn S 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
She was wrong, however good her intentions may have been.
She should have told people that she was taking her mother out for her 60th birthday. She should then have asked if family would like to join them at a local restaurant to celebrate the event. That way, each person could order for themselves and pay what they could afford to pay for the meal. Each person could either contribute toward the paying of the birthday person's meal, or buy a gift or both. You simply do not INVITE people to a party and then charge them. Do nothing, you were not alone in this opinion, she will get over it in time. Her intentions were probably good.
2007-01-14 11:34:38 · answer #1 · answered by teacupn 6 · 5⤊ 0⤋
You did the right thing in sharing with her how others felt, lovely invites or not.
An invitation does not ever mean that you have to pay to be present. That changes the context completely and will also sour the atmosphere if it had proceeded as planned.
If she had needed help with the expense, maybe she could have just asked whether anyone would like to chip in. I believe most people would be willing to help out if asked, rather than be told.
The experience will probably leave a bad taste and people may make excuses about any future gatherings.
It is probably good to clear the air with her again, after all she is family.
Good luck
2007-01-14 19:59:58 · answer #2 · answered by warasouth 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you are absolutely correct to take her side. She did all because she thought that this would make the planning easier. But you see, this is not expected for the guests to pay for enjoying an invitation. Stay behind her. Don't let her feel let down and use your wits together to crack a plan of party in a rather informal way. You can try out a picnic theme where everybody is expected to put forward an effort; like some of you is enganged in cooking and others are engaged in decoration and reception of guests. It seems a bit hard working but when dividing the work amongst your friends and cousins it will be a great fun, trust me.
2007-01-15 08:05:35 · answer #3 · answered by Kate R 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She was not correct in the way she handled the situation. She should have planned something she could afford, or asked in advance if people would like to contribute, or co-host..
If the idea was to celebrate at a restaurant, she should have called people in advance, and asked if they would like to meet at, and pay their own way, to a restaurant, explaining that her finances were extremely limited. It still is a not polite thing to do, the host pays, but maybe people would have been more understanding, and went along with it.
She still could have mailed the invitations later. They would still have been sincere, and a lovely keepsake of the event.
Try to talk to her, get her to help plan something more polite, and practical. Explain to her that she is not the only one with limited finances, and $69 plus a gift, and clothes, and transportation costs, was too much to ask.
Use your judgment, but you might point out to her that alienating herself from the family, and canceling the BD celebration totally would be hurting her Mom, as well as herself, and the rest of the family.
2007-01-14 20:10:58 · answer #4 · answered by riversconfluence 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your niece was completely wrong (ettiquette-wise) to plan the party in this way. If she wanted to have a birthday party for her mother she should have planned something she could afford to have.... or at least asked a couple of people before she did this.
Then to get so upset and angry because people didn't want to be forced to pay so much - that's wrong, too. You can't make her see that, of course. She'll be angry for as long as she's angry, and there's nothing you can do to change that... unless she's willing to listen to the fact that she should have thought this "party" through a little bit before she went through the trouble of the lovely invitations.
2007-01-14 19:31:03 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
She should have checked with everyone first especially since she expected everyone to pay their own way and bring the gift.
It always amazes me that people including those who have parties for their own children expect the guests to pay for their party. Obviously, you weren't the only member of the family who felt the same way. I hardly think she would have cancelled because only one party wouldn't attend.
Don't feel guilty. She is being childish.
2007-01-14 20:37:12 · answer #6 · answered by GrnApl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It was wrong of your niece to have everyone pay ahead of time for meals,parking, and possibly for reserving a section of the restaurant. Everyone doesn't like the same kind of foods. If everyone got steak...and someone doesn't like steak...that person would be miserable.
She could have rented a hall, or had it at someone's house, and had other family members help out, and have it catored, or other family members make some food.
2007-01-14 19:50:59 · answer #7 · answered by ♥Brown Eyed Girl ♥ 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think it is tacky to invite someone to a party and expect them to pay, why don't you have a informal party for your sister and ask the niece to help you plan it.
2007-01-14 19:28:39 · answer #8 · answered by pepsiolic 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I think what she did was tacky. You don't invite people to a birthday party and ask them to pay their way in, quite a hefty fee at that! You should step in and plan the party.
2007-01-14 19:32:53 · answer #9 · answered by twinmom 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well, she was bold enough to ask for money....so you were right to tell her how you feel about the situation. if she's in a huff, I wouldn't worry about it. You cannot ask people to pay for a birthday party & if she wanted a party so badly she should pay for the whole thing.
Lovely invites or not ...I'm on your side! good for you!
2007-01-14 19:31:17 · answer #10 · answered by Chianti500 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋