Should i have a say in how my girlfriend raises her child ?

Question

I have been with my girlfriend for over 5 months now. She has a little boy of three from previous relationship. The littleboy has no contact with his real father. I notice a lot of things she does with him and how she handles him could be improved. He does play up an awful lot and is constantly throwing tantrums fo things and gets very angry and agressive, such as throwing his toys and hitting her when he has the hump. Whenever i suggest her trying a different approach etci gettold its none of my business and i have no right to say anything on how she brings him up. We watch supper nanny and lotsof programs like that but she never seems to pick up any good ideas from them, whereas i can clearly see how she can improve. His behaviour does impact on me to cause i can see her getting stressed out about it and i want to help her. Do i really not have a say in these matters? She wants me to be like a dad with him sometimes like taking him to his first day at school.

Answer 1

Your in between a rock and a hard place! She wants you to do 'dad type' things-such as taking him to his first day of school-yet doesn't want your input. As you're not his father,then technically you don't have the right. But if you two are spending a great deal of time together with the son along-or should you move in together,then you should be given a chance to voice your views.
Next time you get the chance to have a quiet chat with her,let her know that you care about her and you think she's a great mum (she may feel your suggestions are insulting her abilities as a parent.)-but you can see her getting stressed out. Let her know that you are there for her and her son,and you'd like to work together to make things easier. Hopefully,she will accept this,and in time her little boy will be happier and more settled. (As will she!)
Good luck!

Answer 2

5 months isn't very long, but if you think this is the person you plan on being with for the long haul then you'd best sort this one out sooner rather than later.

I'm a step-mom to a kid named Josh (we don't have custody.) He was a surprise, teen pregnancy... His Dad and Mom were never planning on a lifetime comittment at ages almost 18 & 19 and they broke up when she was pregnant.

We started dating a couple weeks before Josh turned 1. Josh's Mom didn't ever want me to play much of a role (i.e. she thought parent teacher interviews were none of my business etc.) but his Dad always wanted my input and help when Josh was visiting for one day a week.

I was ALWAYS there for Josh. I married his Dad almost 10 years later, and we've been married 4 years (and have a 1-year-old of our own.) Josh and I have a great relationship. He turns 15 in June and over the years I've been the one that gets all the tough discussions (Stealing, drugs, alcohol, teen sex, explaining erections and wet dreams... yikes!!!) I never thought that would be my role, but I'm glad now that it is. I'm glad that he has someone in his life that he feels comfortable talking to about this stuff.

The long and the short of it is you and his Mom need to communicate. If you love her and want to be there for her (which it seems like you do) then she has to be willing to take the good with the bad. The love AND the criticisms and suggestions. All the time, not just when it's convenient.

Hang in there & Good luck!
I hope you three can work it out and be a happy family.

Answer 3

Of course you should the boy needs a father figure and you are obviously the only one he has at the moment.You obviously care a lot for the child.If you both live in the same house you should have a say in matters especialy on the impact the child has on a relationship when he is having a tantrum etc. If he is having one of his tantrum why not suggest you talk him for a walk to the park or something to give her a little break for a while ? This way she can't see it as you impossing but as you helping out, and while you are out you can talk to him maybe suggest a treat if he goes so long without hitting mummy etc ? Remember it can't be like days without being a naught boy maybe start off at a day at a time and extend it ?

Answer 4

The two of you need to have a long discussion about this. She can't have it both ways. She wants you to be a part of his first school experience but not a part of his behavioir modification now. That just doesn't wash. It's not unusual for a 3 yr old to have a tantrum but hitting is a no no. There needs to be a time out place until he can calm down and rejoin his family. He may scream his little head off during that time out place, but when he learns those screams won't get him any attention, he'll soon get the picture. One of the very worst things for a child is to have no limits and no consequences. I can tell you... if this sort of behavior continues, the school will be calling her every day when school does start. By then, it's difficult to break the behavior pattern. I believe she needs help with her parenting skills... for her own sake, the child's sake, and if she wants you to remain in this relationship with her and her son.

Answer 5

If your girlfriend wants you to "sometimes" be a dad to her son, I think firstly, you should say that really you'd rather prefer to be a father figure to him full time.
Say that it wont work if you're only able to help her with him occasionally.
Being a dad is a huge responsibility & maybe she thinks you may not want to take him on - have you actually spoke about this when there's just the two of you, without him?
I don't think many mothers like to be told that they can improve their mothering skills & maybe she just feels hurt that you suggested she could improve?
If it's just been her & her son for the past 2 1/2 yrs I would imagine she'd have been a little less strict with him & has let him throw tantrums etc... As he gets older though, with any luck, he'll look up to you & will see you as his dad.
I'm sure she'll come round eventually, who knows, she may think her son will become too close to you & push her away, or she may think that if she does allow you to become his dad & then you split up, her son would be devestated?

Answer 6

I think as you have only been with this girl for such a short time its not fair on the boy that you take such an influence in his life however well intentioned that you are, having said that little boys do need a strong male influence from an early age i would give the relationship a bit more time to develop first and then see what happens

Answer 7

The best thing to do is give her time,5 months is not very long really and she has been used to doing things her own way and probably knows you are right but finds it hard to take the advice.Also a new person in somebodys life can sometimes make a child act slightly more aggresive than they would normally,so just give her and the child some time to adjust.The little boy will be used to just having his mum and now somebody is taking all his attention away.I know from past experience that eventually she will not condem you for correcting the child or expressing how you feel.It just all falls into place.Not to worry ,you sound like a nice person who does care and you just have to accept that for now your partner just finds it hard to accept somebody elses input.

Answer 8

Legally you are not the child's father. The relationship hasn't been going on long enough for you to give advice. However, if your girlfriend wants you to be a fatherly figure then start off by doing some father/son type things and if your relationship with your girlfriend evolves into a marriage type deal then you could start maybe suggesting different methods, not huge, drastic changes but small simple ones. Your girlfriend isn't used to someone else telling her how to raise her child whom she has raised as a single mother for 3 years I presume, and you don't have any children of your own, I also presume. So just take it slow, don't rush into the father figure. If he begins to act up when you are there, try going into a different room or try calming him down yourself. Don't give in to his needs completely, try compromising with him. Just give it some time.

Answer 9

I think it's admirable that you want to help her and the child. If a child is acting out like this now and doesn't learn how to effectively deal with his anger then it will only get worse the older he gets. It's a shame that she doesn't recognize this. If his behavior is affecting you then you do have a right to say something. Of course she also has the right to tell you to mind your own business. If she respects you, then she will at least listen to what you have to say. Maybe your parenting styles are different and this is a sign that you aren't compatible. What if the relationship progresses, you get married and have kids? Then what? Will you have any input on that? Ask yourself if this person is someone you can respect and who will respect you as well. You shouldn't have to be around this type of behavior if it stresses you out. You need to tell her that you like her, but her behavior stresses you out and makes you uncomfortable. If she can't appreciate your concern or doesn't care anough about her child to improve her parenting skills, then she's not the right one.

Answer 10

If she wants you to be like a dad to him, then she needs to let you have some say. I would also consider finding a new girlfriend, because if she's not going to let you have some say, that's how it's going to stay, and only cause problems for both you AND her child later on. I find it kind of odd that someone you've only been with for 5 months is already saying she wants you to do "dad" things with this child. I don't know where you live, but be careful, because if you move in with her, you can also be held financially responsible for this child, even if you are not married.