question for military members?

Question

i stay at home with my our babies. for this reason i don't really know anyone or have someone i can talk to. i'm waiting on our house to sell so that i can file for divorce (i don't have the money now). my husband has problems with his temper and it has been getting really bad lately. he blew up at me and our son a couple of nights ago because he woke up and cried. he said that i baby him too much. i cooked dinner yesterday and before i served it i needed to stop by the store for some bread to go with it. i asked him if he minded watching them while i go do this. he argued with me...them finally agreed that i could. then he gave me the credit card.that he took from my purse back to me...without asking me first? he did it just for spite.
these are examples of what has been going on. i don't really have any were else to go so im gonna have to face this. i think he needs help for our sake and his. i'm concerened...is this something that i can call and talk to his first shirt about?

Answer 1

"Domestic violence happens so much in the military that the Department of Defense has made it an item of specific concern. First Sergeants and military police absolute hate domestic call-outs because the solutions are never clear cut. More often than not, the victims of domestic violence refuse to cooperate because they perceive a threat to their spouse's career.

If I had a dollar for every time a military spouse told me, "I want you to make him stop hitting me, but I don't want you to get him in trouble," I could give up my military retired pay and live in luxury in the Caribbean.

In most cases, husbands abuse wives, but that's not always true. I've been involved in several cases where the husband was the victim of physical and mental abuse from the wife.

If the abuser is a civilian, the military has no control over the matter. In most cases, all the military can do is turn the information over the civilian authorities. Installation commanders do have the power to bar civilians from military installations, and will exercise that power to protect military members from abusive civilian spouses, if necessary.

If the abuser is a military member, domestic violence situations are handled on two separate tracks: The military justice system, and the Family Advocacy system. It's important to realize that these are two separate systems, not connected. Family advocacy is an identification, intervention, and treatment program -- not a punishment system. It's entirely possible that the Family Advocacy Committee will return a finding of "substantiated abuse," but there will be insufficient legally admissible evidence to allow punishment under the provisions of military justice.

On the other hand, one should realize that the Family Advocacy system does not enjoy the right of "confidentiality" under military law (such as chaplains and attorneys), and evidence gathered and statements made during Family Advocacy investigations may be used in military justice proceedings.

If the incident(s) happen off base, civilian agencies may be given jurisdiction on the legal side, but Family Advocacy should still be notified. Off base, local police may or may not report the incident to base officials. DoD officials are currently working to develop memoranda of understanding with civilian law enforcement authorities to establish such reporting procedures.

Regulations require military and DOD officials to report any suspicion of family violence to Family Advocacy, no matter how small. This includes commanders, first sergeants, supervisors, medical personnel, teachers, and military police.

In many cases, when responding to a domestic situation, the commander or first sergeant will order the military individual to reside in the dormitory/barracks until the Family Advocacy investigation is completed. This may be accompanied by a "military protective order," which is a written order prohibiting the military member from having any contact with the alleged victim. Many bases have an "abused dependent safeguard" system, where the first sergeant or commander can place the family members in billeting under an assumed name.

When domestic violence is reported to Family Advocacy, the agency will assign a caseworker to assess the victim's safety, develop a safety plan, and investigate the incident. Throughout the process, victims' advocates ensure that the victim's medical, mental health and protection needs are being met. Family Advocacy officials will also interview the alleged abuser. The alleged abuser is informed of his/her rights under the provisions of Article 31 of the UCMJ, and does not have to speak to the investigation officials, if he/she chooses not to.

If child abuse is involved, regulations require that local child protection agencies be notified, and participate in the process.

After the investigation, the case is then presented to a multidisciplinary case review committee with representatives from the Family Advocacy Program, law enforcement, staff judge advocate, medical staff and chaplain. The committee decides whether the evidence indicates abuse occurred, and arrives at one of the following findings:

Substantiated. A case that has been investigated and the preponderance of available information indicates that abuse has occurred. This means that the information that supports the occurrence of abuse is of greater weight or more convincing than the information that indicates that abuse did not occur.

Suspected. A case determination is pending further investigation. Duration for a case to be "suspected" and under investigation should not exceed 12 weeks.

Unsubstantiated. An alleged case that has been investigated and the available information is insufficient to support the claim that child abuse and/or neglect or spouse abuse did occur. The family needs no family advocacy services.

In making these determinations, the Committee uses the following definitions for abuse:

Child Abuse and/or Neglect. Includes physical injury, sexual maltreatment, emotional maltreatment, deprivation of necessities, or combinations for a child by an individual responsible for the child's welfare under circumstances indicating that the child's welfare is harmed or threatened. The term encompasses both acts and omissions on the part of a responsible person. A "child" is a person under 18 years of age for whom a parent, guardian, foster parent, caretaker, employee of a residential facility, or any staff person providing out-of-home care is legally responsible. The term "child" means a natural child, adopted child, stepchild, foster child, or ward. The term also includes an individual of any age who is incapable for self-support because of a mental or physical incapacity and for whom treatment in a Military Treatment Facility is authorized.

Spouse Abuse. Includes assault, battery, threat to injure or kill, other act of force or violence, or emotional maltreatment inflicted on a partner in a lawful marriage when one of the partners is a military member or is employed by the Department of Defense and is eligible for treatment in an MTF. A spouse under 18 years of age shall be treated in this category.

Based on the committee's recommendations, the commander decides what action to take regarding the abuser., The commander determines whether to order the individual into treatment, and/or to seek to impose disciplinary procedures under the Uniform Code of Military Justice. The commander may also seek to obtain the discharge of the service member from the military. "

Answer 2

His First Sergeant, Sergeant Major, or Commanding Officer might be a good start, but there are other places as well
1) Family readiness/Assistance unit
2) The local JAG
3) The base Military Police or Security Forces units if violence is a possibility
4) The Chaplains office
5) Or you can contact a local Women's Shelter for advice... there are others that may be of assistance, but those might be able to give you the most information for the position you are in.
GOOD LUCK, and be safe.

Answer 3

I've been in a situation like this with my ex husband. First, go to the Chaplin, set up counseling for yourself. Then, call his chain of command. Look on his alert roster to get the numbers. His chain of command needs to know about this. They will get him into anger management, and marriage counseling, if you want to try to work it out.
Please don't think all military men are bad. I thought that until I met my current husband, also military, and I couldn't have asked for a better man.
It doesn't sound like there's anything you can do on your own to change this situation, and it isn't fair for you to walk on pins and needles around him. Whatever you do, don't view yourself as a failure. (That's how I felt about myself when I went through this) He's the one failing you and your babies.
Besides, do you want your little ones seeing this and thinking that it's a normal way to live?

Answer 4

Not fair. Illegal in my estimation. That's because the military pension is not property. It can't be sold. It can't be left to one's heirs. It can't legally be assigned to another person. So, it doesn't meet the definition of property as defined in the Uniformed Commercial Code. Even more galling is the case which caused this law to be passed. A career Army doctor was sued by his ex-wife for half of his pension because she had to bear the hardships of his career. For 14 of the 16 years they were married, he was assigned to Letterman Army Medical Center in San Francisco with quarters on post! Some hardship....

Answer 5

you need to report this behavior to his command. so he can get help for his temper as well as you guys need marriage counseling. you shouldnt have to ask him towatch his kids. just tell him you are leaving and will be right back and offer to tell him where you will be going. their his kids too. i am sorry he is acting like this. you deserve better. has he recently been deployed and just returned that may be why. i have heard they come back different than when they left. good luck

Answer 6

I am assuming your husband is in the military. If he is abusive you can go to legal or mp/ma. There is also Family Advocacy. The base Chaplin might be another route to go.

Answer 7

call his squad leader and platoon sergeant. he may have to go to some anger managment classes that are offered free. you need to let someone know what is going on immediatley. do not hesitate to notify his chain of command. good luck.

Answer 8

ok, i am an ex military wife so hope this helps. best thing for you to do is to talk to someone at the jag(judge advocate general) office and they will advise you on your next step. if you are not comfortable with them, talk to one of the chaplains on base. thanks and i wish you the best.

Answer 9

call his co's wife and drop a dime.