Overcoming past abuse - Is the solution to distinguish between those who I can trust and those who I can't?

Question

My problem has to do with past abuse; however, in overcoming the effects of abuse, I don't believe that I should trust people as a matter of default. There are still people out there who are abusive. The world hasn't changed that much since I was a child. In trying not to be paranoid, I have trusted the wrong people and have suffered the consequences of trusting them. In wrongly believing that some people are good (therefore right), I have believed that I must be wrong when such people have something against me, and I have accepted consequences in error. Often one consequence has been relentless guilt and self-doubt, and in such cases contrition is not the solution. That works only when I have done something wrong. When I haven’t, the only solution is to realize just that. Sometimes such people have been those with authority - I am particularly vulnerable to those who abuse their authority because there is the tacit obligation to respect them. Responses from experts are most welcome.

Thanks for the answers so far - they're all good. Nothing I say in the following is meant to be critical:

All people are both good and bad. Some people are good more than others. If you speak of extremes, Mother Theresa may come to mind. Some are bad more than others. If you speak of extremes, Hitler may come to mind. Even Hitler was good to some people. There are those who lean more towards the bad side, and when they make victims of people deliberately, sanctions apply...but not always. People who lean toward the bad side may be called bullies. Sometimes stereotypes do serve a valid purpose, because they are more explanatory than labelling. The criminal code calls people murderers when they murder. Someone who repeatedly commits a crime is a habitual criminal. Not all crimes are revealed for what they are, and sometimes victims of crimes are held responsible. The facts speak of this; therefore, the term ‘label‘ does not apply.

Answer 1

If you are not already in therapy then you should be. By working your issues through with a trained counselor you will be able to start working on setting healthy boundaries. With victims of abuse whether it be emotional, sexual, or physical especially with children, boundaries that should be set naturally by parents and caregivers are nonexistent or often very blurred.
Working with a trained professional will help you identify what is healthy and how to make good choices around relationships. By processing your emotions surrounding the past abuse you will recognize the patterns that have emerged as a result of this and be able to prevent yourself from repeating the same mistakes over and over.
When we learn trust as infants we carry what we know into our adulthood even if this process has been distorted. A therapist will help you to distinguish between good and bad coping and you will be able to start working towards good relationships with people who will not hurt you. Humans are creatures of habit even the bad ones. Good luck to you I feel complete compassion for what you have been through. From you question I can see that you are intuitive and I really believe that your life is going to turn around. Some people never even realize that there is a problem. You know and are working towards becoming the person that you want to be. That is so courageous and bless you.

Answer 2

The way I've dealt with this problem is to draw a distinction between the me of now and the me of back then when I was a vulnerable child. When I finally laid that child to rest all of the angst and the insecurities faded away. I decided this was the only way to live happily. The hardest thing to come to terms with is that you cannot undo what was done to you. That person you were back then is broken beyond repair. However you can be a new person, a confident adult you.

I've never had any therapy whatsoever. These so called experts sometimes diminish a person by telling them that they cannot get better without the help of the therapist. If you can do it alone then do it alone. If you can't then seek the help of a therapist who has the grace to admit that YOU are the one who is the key to changing your life.

Answer 3

You sound very intelligent. Therefore it is not surprising that you are trying to put an intellectual solution on a problem that is more complex. It sounds as though you have some post-traumatic stress issues, as would most people who suffered abuse.

It is not simply a matter of figuring out who is trustworthy and who is not, it is a great deal more complex than that. It is your journey to figure out how to heal from this. No one with advice can take that away from you.

Some things I have done to heal from my trauma which have worked have included counseling, network spinal analysis (a form of chiropractic, wonderful for releasing stored traumas, www.donaldepstein.com), yoga, meditation, adopting a healthy lifestyle and eliminating my addictions. I do not know what would be best for you, it is your journey. I, too, am very intelligent, and I learned that trying to solve the whole problem intellectually was not possible, and in fact, got in the way of my progress.

All that said, you asked for experts, and I don't know that I am one, but I am a therapist and behavior specialist, and an abuse survivor. Good luck. You will heal yourself. Choose the right guides.

Answer 4

I'm more in your boat than an expert, but I can say this:
We've both got to get out of our absolutist, dualist, black-and-white worlds.
Good people are wrong, too, buddy!
Good people make major mistakes, too. For example, they don't give the right advice because what works for one will not work for the other.
Even in something as simple as suggesting a hair dye or moisturizer (OK, I'm not even that feminine, but it's neutral in morality and life consequences), what works for one person may give another a terrible oily patch, or rash even, or just horribly green color!
So, let up on them. Learn to trust YOURSELF. And learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes when you make them. If you van't forgive them, you probably can't go easy on yourself either.
Plenty of CBT got me to know these things. Practice them? Live by them? No, my insurance ran out and I've made excuses ever since. But while they worked, they worked well.
Thanks for reminding me to focus on it,
Good luck!

Answer 5

from another survivor's point of view

The self doubt i bring into my relationships is based on low self esteem. The impression i have garnered from the middle of your question is that your self doubt is mainly a trust issue. The concept of right and wrong in your relationships seems to be overwhelming your sense of trusting in yourself, regardless of who is right and wrong.

there are times when you SHOULD feel completely right in your decisions and your partner SHOULD feel completely justified. That is the course of dating and relationships. Disagreements are the way we find out more about who we are with. Sometimes these altercations can and should be worked through and at other times they can't. What was wrong for you was right for them or vise verse.

from your writing you obviously have what it takes to work through this, gl

Answer 6

there's a difference between murdering and killing. homicide is a killing for incorrect reasons, including greed or hatred. "Killing" a guy or woman can happen once you're protecting your existence against an attacker. I grew up in a congregation that reported "Killing" exchange into incorrect no remember what so if i exchange into to be attacked i exchange into to purely undergo my dying particularly than combat for my existence. (Being a woman that selection into an rather frightening theory that I felt exchange into rather incorrect.) conflict is homicide. yet even so...while you're protecting your self and the lives of others against a team of human beings who choose you ineffective then is that homicide or self protection? you will discover who the strains blur.