How do I approach my mom reguarding my brothers who died in infancy?

Question

I was adopted. Recently i got in touch with my birth family and we have gotten very close. However, after I was born my mother had four other children, two of whom died in infancy. I would like very much when I visit my birth family to visit the grave sites of my deceased baby brothers and pay my respects, as well as learn more about them and the disease that caused their deaths. I have learned however, through my grandmother, that my mother is very sensative on the topic and feels responsible for the deaths of my brothers (the disease that caused their deaths is hereditary). I would like to talk about my brothers with my mother, who was closest to them, but I need some advice on the best way to approach the topic with my mother, I don't want to hurt anyone or bring back bad memories.

occasionally my mom has brought my brothers up in conversation. she was the one who told me about them. I know if i ask her a question she will give me an honest and direct answer. I realize that I would not want to be interrogated about my deceased children if I were in that situation, But I am not some stranger, these are my brothers whom I love dearly. I am her child as well. I don't think my mom would be so offended that she would break out in tears or anything, she is a strong woman. But I want to know how to approach her in a way that will be most comfortable.

Answer 1

I lost a child a year and a bit ago. His name was Harry. My son has a halfsister and while I know she has questions about her brother... I struggle to find the right words. Her father has instructed me to not discuss this with her or his family.

I know if she asked me outright I have practised in my head so many times the little things I'd love for her to know. But sometimes... Its harder to know how the information would be received. I wrote her a letter on my sons first birthday so while he was fresh in my mind I could let her know everything should she inquire.

My advice is to write a letter you your Birth Mum. Explain that your writting to her as you understand it may be something thats hard for her to talk about and you don't want to put her on the spot... Tell her what you would love to know and why it is important. Let her know that you don't need a response straight away or your happy to even have her write it in a letter back to you. Tell her your not asking to hurt her or bring back bad memories just like you said...

From my perpective... Talking about the hopes and dreams and how much I love my son, while make me sad... also hurts less than pretending he didn't exist. However, many people around me tell others that I'm uncomfortable... when its actually its hard from them to hear me talk about it.

Good luck... Hope this helps xoxo

Answer 2

Has your mother discussed with you the specific hereditary disease which took the lives of your baby brothers?

Tell her that you need to know more about the disease so that you can be sure that you will not pass it on.

Other than that, express sympathy for her having to go threw all that. Perhaps the grandmother can take you to the grave sites or tell you where they are.

I would not upset your mother by insisting on information she is not willing to share, but you may get her to talk a little at a time if you are patient and understanding.

Answer 3

I know you are interested in your brothers. I think that is only natural. Please do not ask your mother about it. It is so hard for a mother to lose a child. Then on top of that knowing that hereditary played a role in it, has to make your mom feel even more guilty. If you know the name of the disease, go to the library and learn about it, but don't bring up painful memories to your mother. You wouldn't want to talk about the death of your children. Think about how she feels.

Answer 4

The best way I think is to ask her what they were like and stories of the times they had. I know that you don't want to hurt her feelings but it best that she talks about it. If not with you than who else. I believe you have the right to do so after all they were your siblings.

Answer 5

ooxx_kat_..., i am so sorry to hear about your loss. and your advice is a sincere and very good one. when she writes to her mother, she can say she wants to bring flowers to her brothers and let them get to know her as she knows they will be watching her bring flowers to them from heaven. and when she grows up and has a family, she would like her family to meet her brothers too and never forget them.