Concerned parent of an older kid?

Question

MY 24year old is spinning out of control quickly.She's in credit card debt over her head. She works 2 jobs to pay it off. She doesn't take care of her car or her room. I just found out about how she smokes a pack a day and I KNOW she can't afford that.Her sleep schedule is all messed up because she works nights and afternoons. I also just found out from here sisters she's been seeing a guy from work who's almost 30 years older than her. I talk to her and she just gets nasty to me. She doesn't live with me anymore but I'm worried somthing bad's going to happen

Answer 1

Gee, I wonder how many of the people that stated "leave her alone she isn't a kid" actually have children. Guess what folks, YOU NEVER STOP WORRYING ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN. Maybe you could talk her into moving back home for awhile, which will free up some cash for her to send to the credit card companies. Ask her if she could come back for a set time, and start by getting her to talk to you, if she gets her sleep patterns straightened out, the rest will probably just work themselves out. Sound like she is RUNNING ON EMPTY, and that can take alot out of anyone. Best of luck to both of you!

Answer 2

I'm sorry to say that even though she is always going to be your child she's pretty well grown up. The best you can do is not be confrontational about the situation. Even though it sounds like she is acting pretty imature she still expects others to respect her as an adult, which considering she is 24 is understandable. Obviously she knows there is a problem because she is working two jobs to rectify it. As for the cigarettes, when people are under a tremendous amount of stress and have a smoking habit, for some reason it increases (it baffles me considering smoking is a stimulant but am told it's the breathing techniques that come with smoking that are relaxing). It's the catch 22, the more in debt you are the more stressed you are, the more stressed you are the more you want an escape (smoking), the more you spend on the escape the further in debt you go, and you are now back to debt causing stress. Now to consider the sleep schedule. As long as she is sleeping at some point during the day she will survive, if you are concerned because it clashes with your schedule you should try and adapt a little to hers so you could be with her (this is not meant to sound insulting, just observational). Bare in mind the information about her dating a guy 30 years her senior might not be acurate BUT if it is she might just be looking for financial security or could truly feel love for the gentleman.
What ever her issue(s) might be, until she is willing to talk to you and ask for your help there unfortunately isn't anything you can do about it. It sucks, but that is life. One thing you can do, though, is let her know no matter what is going on in her life you will always be there for her and if there is ever anything you can do for her, be it a shoulder to cry on or to borrow (this is big, never, ever offer to just give it, but , also as a parent don't really expect it back) anything that you will be there unconditionally. Also, remind her how much you love her and that you have faith in her decisions.
Good luck.

Answer 3

I understand that she is an adult. But your child is your child for the rest of your life. I understand why you are worried. I think you are being a good parent by trying to helo her. If she wont let you talk to her try mailing her a letter. That why you really have time to plan out what you say, and she will probley sit and read it. She will be able to do it on her own time so if somthing makes her mad she has some time to cool off and finish reading the letter. I am not sure this would be an option for her but mabey, you could ask her to stay with you for a little while she gets her debts payed down. It could cut back some of the time she is working, reduss her stress level which would make it easier to quit smoking. I feel that just becuase your child is 24 years old doesnt mean that they are always ready to take care of themselves totally. I mean it atleast shows she is trying if she is working that much. She might just need a little more guidence. I really hope that things work out. Good luck.

Answer 4

Well, from what I read quite a bit of the people who have told you that she is an adult and you have to let her live her life ARE parents. Parents who have been through it and are going through it. I, as a parent, also recommend letting her live her life. The only way people learn is by making their own mistakes and learning how to correct them. She won't learn if you continue to try to make decisions for her. The worst that will happen is she will file bankruptcy, which isn't fantastic, but it's not all that terrible either. She will learn in the long run that you need to maintain your car or you will have to spend money every year or so buying a new one. She will learn eventually that if she picks up after herself she won't have to spend 2-3 hours doing it in one shot. And this guy she is dating, he may be a great guy, you haven't met him yet and you didn't say if you heard anything bad about him, just that he's older.

When and if she needs your help she will come to you. Stop trying to discuss these things with her, she sees it as you trying to run her life hence the nastiness. She will be fine, mom. Have faith in the upbringing that you gave her. I'm sure you did a fine job getting her this far, now it's up to her to get herself the rest of the way.

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I read another question of yours and all words that reference you a female, please replace with the male counterpart. Sorry about that.

Answer 5

Many people go through a "learning curve" like this- they get their butts in a sling and have to muddle through the stuff that comes with the poor choices. Because she's 24, she is an adut, and as such, you don't have any legal authority over her.

My suggestion is to let her know you love her, but don't offer advice, don't make the primary topic of conversations with her her debt or bad choices. Eventually (hopefully) she will pull her head out and realize that Mom/Dad really did know best... she might ask for advice and just maybe, she'll follow that advice. She'll be more likely to follow the advice if she asks for it instead of having it shoved down her throat (which is how she currently seems to view what you say).

Don't bail her out, though, as much as you may want to. It will mess up the learning curve, and she won't learn how to use her money wisely.

One book I'd suggest- for ANYONE who wants to financially suavy- "Five Things A Millionaire Taught Me About Life and Wealth" by Richard Paul Evans. Let her "catch" you reading it, be sure to practice it, too!

Untill then, keep loving her and praying for her. Best of Luck!

Answer 6

I understand you are concerned but she's an adult already and does not live under your roof anymore. All you can do is talk to her and pray for her. Prayer is the answer! Trust that you did a good job as a parent and thank God for the blessings.

Answer 7

I'm sorry to have to tell you, but she is an adult right now, If she comes to you asking for advice or help then you step in, or you can ask her about the situation and then depending on what she tells you, you either help or step back but honestly because she is an adult she is pretty much responsible.

Answer 8

as hard as this is for you, you have to remember she is an adult. you can't stop her from doing what she is. probably the most you can do for her right now is be there when she falls. she needs to know that even though you don't approve of her lifestyle, you love her and are there for her. you should seek some spiritual counseling so you will be ready when she asks for your help. good luck and God bless.

Answer 9

Sometimes they have to get in too deep to be able to rise above the sh*t. They do not realize what they had until it's almost too late. Just tell her when she wants to receive some helpful advice to come speak with you; that is about all you can say to her.

Answer 10

She's an ADULT. IF she wants to take care of herself then she must suck it up.If working 18 hours a day doesn't push her to help herself then you aint gonna. She's got to quit that crap or she's sunk. Don't worry that guys probably gonna pay for her bills and the she'll dump um.