BULLYING - how do you help a child who is constantly victimized by bullies? He is 12 and in 6th grade.?

Question

He is smart and a good student, he plays rough at home with his sibs, but in school he becomes a virtual punching bag and won't stand up for himself. As the schoolyear has progressed, he has become more depressed and sullen, often being in his own little world. He is extremely intelligent, yet appears to have no street smarts or coping skills whatsoever with these kinds of situations. Lately, he has expressed a desire to kill himself because life stinks. I will be talking to the teachers and school principal next week as well as getting him to a therapist ASAP. I am afraid he is setup for this because a babysitter we had abused him years ago and got away with it despite our calling the police. When we moved into a nice neighborhood, the local punks just picked on him from day one also, he doesn't even go outside alone anymore. I was a bullying victim, too. This is really opening old, deep wounds for me as well. I want to protect him, better than my parents protected me. HELP.

We have already done martial arts classes for a year in the past which he enjoyed, but it didn't do anything for his self esteem. He even had bullying going on there at times! He hasn't applied what he learned in martial arts to real life. Yes, he knows the moves - but he has been so emasculated by his mother as not to hit anybody - that I think it is ruining him. I told him I was a constant victim of verbal and physical abuse throughout school - and only when I went into a rage and beat up 3 bullies in one fight did it stop - for a while anyway. I keep telling him he has to protect his boundaries and to retaliate physically if attacked which he is afraid to do because he might get disciplined or get detention at school. I told him to stop being nice to creeps and sometimes it pays to be a nasty kid to save yourself, even using the line of reasoning as to what the US would do if another country invaded our borders. He replied "Attack with all we got." He has to help himself too

Answer 1

A friend of mine has a son who was being bullied also. It is awful. It was affecting his grades, his self esteem, his happiness....etc etc etc. This year he is being home schooled. He is caught up from last year, and even getting ahead for this years work. He is involved in various activities, such as Scouts, church groups, and karate so he is still sociable with kids his own age. He is also in a program with other home school families and they take turns doing various field trips. He is such a happy kid now, and so outgoing and confident. This will take time and effort and discipline on both parent and child's part, but in my opinion, it is a great alternative AND no more bullying.

Answer 2

I'd go right to the school board, apply for a hardship transfer and get him counseling and get him back into martial arts. I think a new start might help. (Actually the real "right" thing to do is to have the bullies transferred, but your son may need a fresh start)

My 15 yr old nephew has been having the same problem. Getting beat up every day by same 3 kids because he's small. My Sister called the school board and had him transferred to another high school. ( He just started going last week after the holidays and everything's much better. ) If the school gives you any garbage I'd consult an attorney. No one should have to deal with this day and day out.

You should also get him counseling without a doubt because he mentioned killing himself. He needs to know he is not the one at fault here. And how to cope when he does get bullied.

I'd also definitely try to get him back into martial arts....building his selfesteem back up is going to take some time after the beating it's taken. Maybe a fresh start and some reinforcement through counseling and martial arts would help him. Best of luck to you. I hope all works out.

Answer 3

I really feel for you. Your poor son has been through so much and this bullying is making his life a misery.

All I can think to advise is that you let him know that you love him and he can always talk to you about anything, councelling is a good idea too, and maybe an out of school club in karate or kick boxing as this will build him up and make him feel stronger and safer, these will teach him the art of self defense and discipline.

I hope I have been of some small help.

All the best.

Answer 4

"One of the hardest moments for a parent is when kids come home and say, 'Mom (or Dad), they're teasing me.' It's important to remember that every child will be teased—and do some teasing—at some point at school. This level of teasing can be seen as a social experiment; kids are experimenting with power, aggression, friendship, etc. In fact, some teasing is a way that children attempt to express love and affection for one another—since it can be 'uncool' to express these emotions directly. If we respond with empathy, and also with a perspective that it isn't the end of the world, then children can find their inner resiliency inside and cope with a moderate amount of teasing. However, if a child is always the target—or frequently the perpetrator, then it's time for more intervention, such as talking with teachers and guidance counselors or seeking professional help."

Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D.
Co-Author, Mom They're Teasing Me

Another way to help your child, get involve in your daughter/son school by attending PTA meeting and getting involve in his/her classroom. It's important to have a connection with your child.
I understand many of us work full time, and leaves us little room for our children to help in their class, but we have to try a little harder to be involve in any possible way.

Did You Know?
Statistics from the Bureau of Justice - School Crime and Safety
1 out of 4 kids is bullied
1 our of 5 kids admits to being a bully or doing some "bullying"
43% are afraid of being harassed in a school bathroom
80% of the time, an argument with a bully will result in a physical fight
On playgrounds, a child is bullied every 7 minutes. Adults intervene only 4% of the time. Peers intervene 11% of the time, and 85% of the time there is no intervention at all.

Answer 5

I am so sad to hear about him wanting to commit suicide, I would agree with one of the writers here as to make sure he knows there is always an open doorway of communication, I will pray for him. I was bullied also and now my son gets a little bit of that. I simply tell him to walk away from anything verbal but to hit if he gets hit, I would let him know if he were to get in trouble at school for fighting there would not be any consequence at home

Answer 6

My son had that problem last year, I pu thim in Kuk Sool Won, he then talked to his grand master about the kids who were picking on him. The Grand Master went to the school and had a talk with those boys. That stopped it for a while until they thought they had waited long enough and they started again. My son has high respect for his Grand Master and Master Ed had taught him some "special" moves if they ever picked on him again. My son did these moves on those boys and needless to say, no one has picked on him since. Get him back into Martial Arts. Talk to his chief instructor. They do not allow this type of behavior. If they do then they are no good and you need to find another martial arts school. Kuk Sool Won works not only on moves but also the mental aspects are wonderful.

Answer 7

He needs a good strong adult male role model in his life. Do you have any brothers that could help? If not try Big Brothers-Big Sisters in your area.

This is about his very poor self image and very low self esteem.

He needs to grow into boyhood and manhood and feel confident about himself.

Also, get him enrolled in PRIVATE self defense courses and make sure nobody finds out or else they will challenge him to fights just because he is taking self defense.

He is at the age where what happens over the next year will either set him up for failure as an adult male or success as an adult male. Don't let you son down.

Answer 8

We teach others how to treat us. He may need a new class or school to start fresh, but that may not be an option.
I've been through it, too. And at 29, I'm finally a couple years into standing up for myself.
Now, see, the one time I realized the game, I was 11. I got chased by this big girl who wanted to beat me up. She laughed how hard I ran to my friend's house. (Oh, I wouldn't do homework for the big girl's friend, and then this happened.) A couple of days later, she gave me the sign for a punch, one fist into the other, with a mean look on her face. I gave her the look of death. She never came after me again.

Answer 9

My daughter is going through the same thing. Although she has taken karate it has not worked either. Self defense classes only teach how to defend not how to deal. It's hard on them. Talk to the school, and school counselor. Also advise them you will be talking to their parents as well. If that doesn't work bullying is a CRIME...Talk to the local school resource officer, or dare/champs officer. If you don't have those resources in your son's school. Talk to the juvenile officer. This needs to stop and it needs to stop now. Your son needs to learn to stand up but also YOUR his Parent their for it's also YOUR job to protect him as well. If him dealing with it is not working then it's time you stepped in. Your teaching him how to be a man I understand that but you also need to teach him how to be a father to his own children one day. And all parents must defend their children from time to time.

Answer 10

THIS IS SUCH A TERRIBLE THING OUR KIDS ARE DOING TO EACH OTEHR,THEY NEED TO BE HELPING EACH OTHER INSTEAD OF HURTING EACH OTHER,IT HAPPENED TO MY SON AS WELL,I TOLD HIM TO STAND UP FOR HIM SELF,WHICH HE DID,HE GOT INTO SEVERAL FIGHTS,,PUSHING,THIS WAS IN GRADE 4&5,IT NEVER DID STOP THOUGH,SO I TOOK MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS.I GOT THE PHONE BOOK OUT AND CALLED THE PARENTS.TOLD THEM WHAT "THERE" KIDS WERE DOING TO MINE AND THAT I NOR MY SON DID NOT HAVE TO STAND FOR THIS CRAP!,I TOLD THEM THAT THE NEXT TIME YOUR SON EVEN LAID A HAND ON MY SON THAT WE WERE GOING TO SUE THEM,AND I MEANT IT,ITS BULLYING I TOLD THEM I WOULD JUST CALL THE POLICE AND FILE A VIOLENCE COMPLAINT ON THERE KID AND THE PARENT.THEY TOTALLY UNDERSTOOD I MEANT BUISNESS AND WOULD CARRY THROUGH WITH MY PROMICE.THE BULLYING DID STOP!,,THE NEXT DAY INFACT.SO I HOPE THIS HELPS YOU OUT,THE SCHOOL WOULD NOT DO ANY THING ABOUT IT,SO SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO HANDEL THINGS YOUR SELF.TRUST ME,,CALL THEM,THEY DONT LIKE THE CHANCE OF BEING SUED OVER THERE IGNORANT KID.IT MAKES THE PARENTS LOOK BAD TOO.SO KEEP YOUR HEADS UP AND LET ME KNOW WHAT [e-mail],,STEVE