My son doesn't get invited to parties - what would you say?

Question

My son has come home more than once saying he wished he was invited to different parties but wasn't. He is 14, well liked and is friends with most of the kids throwing these parties. Not best friends, of course. For example, tonight a girl that has been and is a friend and also had, at one time, a crush on him is having a party. He didn't get an invite - even though she knew he knew about it. I tend to think it is a status thing. Everyone (the "uncool and cool alike" thinks he is funny and fun (usually in an adorable little brother way), but he isn't a jock or in the popular group. Band (percussion) and golf are his passions. So, I hope that is enough background when I ask - what would you say when he comes home saying he really wishes he was invited to these parties and why isn't he? Thanks in advance... I want to be sure he is not losing self esteem over this.

I just want to clarify... I don't believe in the popular thing. I know that isn't what kids think, though. If I were to classify my son, I wouldn't say he is "popular" in kids eyes. He is well liked, though. This I know from being at the school a lot. I have the unique opportunity to see him interact with other students and they don't always know I am his mom.

Answer 1

This sounds a lot like me growing up. I knew a lot of people, people thought I was pretty and funny, but I didn't get invited to many things like parties. It was because of two things:

a) I was intelligent enough that most kids found me to be "strange". In elementary school, differences matter the least, but as people get older, they matter more and more. Consciously or subconsciously, kids prefer to hang out with people who are as close to clones of themselves as is humanly possible. I was well-liked, and even openly admired, but this is not everything that party invites are made of.

b) I hung out with too many people. I could sit at almost any lunch table, and be welcomed with a genuinely friendly "Hello," but I spoke to so many people, I didn't develop a membership to any particular "clique". At his age, parties are very small, and kids limit their invitations to members of their own cliques and "smaller circles".

These smaller circles spend so much time with one another, it is unreal. They also often have ties to one another outside of school: they went to the same elementary school or church or know one another from x, y, and z. There is no doubt in my mind that your son is well-liked, but I would bet, by your own description, that he doesn't belong to any specific clique of kids. Honestly, most of the groups of kids probably figure that if he doesn't belong to their circle, he must belong to another--even if they are unsure which it is.

Becoming close to other kids was difficult for me at that age because the breadth of my interests did not allow me to genuinely relate well to them. I could understand them, and easily mimick their attitudes (which was why I was on a friendly basis with so many kids), but not well enough to fall into the social co-dependency which is common in kids around your son's age, wherein every waking moment is spent on the phone, IMing or laying around on the couches of a particular group of kids.

I didn't realize to what extent this was true until I observed my own sister. Physically, we are similar-looking, but she is, otherwise, my polar opposite. Frankly, she is pretty vapid in her interests: boys, clothes, the internet, parties/dances, cars. It literally ends there. As a result, she is wildly popular. It is just easier to find people who can relate to someone with such a limited (and common) range of interests. Golf and percussion, on the other hand, are pretty unique interests for a 14-year-old. Anyway, my sister's friends go out to eat multiple times per week together, have exclusive get-togethers, invite one another to parties they know of outside of school, etc. I have heard her discuss with unique passion about the gravity of inviting someone outside of her group of about 15 or so to one of their get-togethers. It was pretty funny. You would not believe what a big deal it was for them to consider inviting a new girl to school out to dinner who they all mutually agreed was "super cute and super nice".

Things got better for me once I got to high school, because by 11th grade, parties were alot bigger, and didn't involve such formal invitation. The same occurs in college. By college, he will probably also be invited to smaller get-togethers because, by that point, he will be able to find people much more like himself insofar as intelligence and interests are concerned: the pool of potential buddies will just be that much more interesting and the ways to meet them will be that much more varied.

If I were you, I'd tell him what I've just told you. He may have no idea.

Also, if he craves social interaction outside of school, I'd get him involved in activities outside of school. I was a member of various social, church and public service groups, and through these organizations was how I did most of my socializing off the school grounds growing up. These groups are also where I found the first of my "forever" friends. An added bonus to involvement in these sorts of groups is that, if kids at his school are also involved in them, he acquires one of those outside ties I was speaking of, and kids are more apt to consider him part of their inner circle.

Answer 2

i am 14 so maybe my advice will help your son. it is good that he is in school activities because that is a good way to meet friend, but maybe he could join an activity that the kids trowing the parties are in so he can show them he has some of the same interests and get to know them better. that is usually why kids don't get invited b/c they don't know a lot about each other so they are afraid to ask. also , the girl throwing the party might be embarrassed to ask b/c she had a crush on him and she might not want to feel uncomfortable around him, especially if he knew she had a crush on him. but just tell him that the right crowd to be in isn't always they popular crowd! the more he interacts in school activities the more friends he will make friends.

Answer 3

Perhaps they are doing things at those partys that they know he is not into. I hate to say it but children now a days are into drugs a lot earler then ever I have known an 11 year old to go out with friend and get high. Perhaps (I am not saying that is what they are doing but if it is) they know there is no use in asking him to go because they don't want to put him in that postion? You could always tell him that he is just to cool for them and that some time if he wanted to throw a party you would let him do so. Plus that way you know where he is and what he is doing and know he is safe and today that is a very rare thing. Good luck and who knows maybe once he is older it will not matter. (I was like him never invited to partys and I turned out great I think.)

Answer 4

I would say to get a new group of friends. Your son's "friends" dont really sound like friends at all. I don't think the fact that your son wasn't invited was unintentional, I think that high school and middle school kids are just very hung up on their status and their groups. Therefore I don't think that throwing party would be the answer. Why would you want to invite people who intentionally did not invite you?

The same thing happened to me in middle school, I had a group of friends but I was just uncool enough to miss being invited to the parties, while most of the rest of the group got invited. Then they would all come into school the next day and talk about it in front of me. Finally I dumped them all as friends and went to a new high school with a completely new set of friends and was much happier. To this day I haven't spoken to most of them since and I don't regret it.

Answer 5

this is a hard one. We all like to think our kids are popular but things go on they don't tell us about. I agree with the first answer. Why not throw a party, some kids only invite those who have invited them in the past. It also might be a case of there is a number the parent gives to who can come and if he is not a close friend he won't be invited

Answer 6

There are several ways to look at this and a few options.

First, if I was your son , I would just ask the girl why I wasn't invited. Sometimes, parties are just for certain groups, like church friends, or BETA club members, etc. Or maybe she thought he wouldn't like the people at that particular party or maybe she just forgot to ask him.

Second, you might try asking some of the kid's parents if there is a reason he doesn't get invited. (Be nice and curious, not accusing or offended sounding). For example, when I was a teen, I was never invited to parties because I just didn't hang out with thier "group", in other words, like your son, I was nice to everyone and everyone liked me so I couldn't be classified into a 'clique" and often got overlooked.

You can also look at it this way, maybe there are things going on at those parties he doesn't NEED to be around--smoking, drinking, petting, etc. That's another reason I was never invited to parties. My friends knew I wasn't going to do those things, so they didn't want to offend me or embarrass me or make me feel awkward and uncomfortable.

Answer 7

My son is 12 and it happens to him too. Cause he's shy, he's not in the cool groups. A lot of friends call him for help in homework or for games and cards collections every single day, but they call him very little for parties or just get-togethers.
It's just that kids are cruel sometimes. They invite the veery funny friends, the veeery cool, the veery popular. The hell to the rest.
Try to change his look, hair, clothes, it may seem stupid to adults, but it's important for kids. I'm trying that with mine. It works a little, then he will discover by himself that this kind of popularity is not what he wants. Good luck!

Answer 8

If he is well liked then it does not make agreat deal of sense.Are you sure that he is popular?Parties are a status thing. Also at this age girls dont invite boys as much to parties.My daughter does not invite boys to her parties anymore.She is nearly 13. Sorry I have no answers.

Answer 9

It's possible that telling him about the party is the kids' way of inviting him. I doubt they're handing out formal invites. He could just be misunderstanding, and they could be wondering why he doesn't ever come to their parties.

Answer 10

Try having him throw a party! Have him invite all of his friends, maybe they just think he wouldn't be interested in going to one.

Answer 11

kids are all about popular and who is in, have him throw a party and ask the people he really likes and then see if they reciprocate.