Why can't the bridesmaids pick the dress?

Question

My sister in-law was recently asked to stand up as a bridesmaid in her neighbor's wedding. She has been friends with her neighbor for 12 years and they are pretty close. The problem is, the bride picked out the dress she wants her bridesmaids to wear. It's an over-priced, slinky, form-fitting spaghetti-strap thing. My neighbor, along with six of the other eight bridesmaids is overweight. Seven of the eight bridesmaids literally look like stuffed sausages in these things. As if that wasn't bad enough, the bride also wants them to wear a $120.00 tierra (sp?) and matching heels, another $90.00. All Burnt Orange. All in all, this setup is going to cost each bridesmaid close to $600. for an "outfit" they will NEVER wear again. A mutiny is stirring. Five of the eight are talking "Thanks, but no thanks" Isn't this selfish of the bride? Shouldn't the bridesmaids agree on a dress, but the bride just pick the color? If the five decide to back out, would they be wrong to do so?

Answer 1

In general, it is rude to agree to stand up and then stand down -- but this price tag is outrageous (unless, of course, you come from "money" which it doesn't sound to be the case) and the insult is amazing

Having just had a daughter and son get married (during an 11 week span), and both sets of kids participating in a few over recent years, this is what often happens -- bride and maid of honor (if possible, more of the party) go shopping together and try some of these things on.

A truly thoughtful bride had multi-sized attendants. She chose the fabric and some features (general length of skirt and general height of neckline) and then the attendants chose a cut that flattered their figure. She chose a fabric that was available in a variety of styles and several dressmakers.

AT NO TIME have these women been asked to spend more than $200.00 for their entire ensemble. The colors of the shoes have all been dictated but relatively standard (red, black, silver) and the style might be dictated (open toe, no open toe, sandal). The brides have all respected the fact that this is an investment in a one-time wearing. If the bride wanted them all to wear the same jewelry (always costume jewelry), she gave it as a gift.

Sounds like this bride is either unfamiliar with protocol, or boorish, or doing the thing that people joke about (but does this really happen?) -- engineering things so that she is objectively the most beautiful woman in the room. [problem with this tactic is that everyone is sympathizing with the attendants and watching them instead of her -- she fails to get the attention she is seeking]

The women should decide who among them is most likely to succeed at getting the bride's attention, sit her down and tell her kindly that the expense is more than they can manage, that they are concerned that the bride's pictures will be a disappointment, and offer to help come up with an approach that will get close to the look the bride wants but be affordable and tasteful.

Answer 2

An absolutely selfish bride. Those 5 have every right to back out. It is expensive being a bridesmaid - who is paying for the bridal shower, are they also expected to pay for hair, nails and make-up? And bridesmaids do give the couple a gift. The bride should pick the dress, but she should consult her bridesmaids as well to make sure that they are on board especially financially. There are so many bridesmaids dresses out there - reasonably priced and something that can be worn again. I spent $180 on a dress which is alot for me and even though I cannot wear it again, the bride did not expect much more of me financially. Of course this bride might want to be prettier than the bridesmaids, but could you imagine how tacky the pictures are going to be? And if the bride gets upset, that is her problem for being so unreasonable in her expectations? Come on.

Answer 3

Traditionally, the bride chooses, and it's her prerogative to choose whatever she wants, no matter how unreasonable it may be. It would be nice if the bride in this case could be more flexible and understanding.

I would flat-out refuse to wear a dress like that. I understand the bride wanting to be the most beautiful lady there, but to sabotage the others to do so is just wrong.

They should get together and take the bride to lunch and have a frank chat with her. Put it to her in a mature, intelligent way that they are unhappy with her choices because #1-how they'll look, and #2-the cost, and #3-they will not be able to reuse the outfit again.

I've never heard of bridesmaids wearing tiaras?

If they don't want to confront her, the alternative would be to ask her if she would mind them changing after the wedding into more comfortable-but still dressy-dresses for the reception.

Answer 4

WOW! $600 is a lot of money! For my wedding, my bridesmaids are just paying the deposit and alterations, which is around $60, and they aren't wearing shoes, leaving me with about $90 per dress.

If I were a bridesmaid, I would try to talk the bride into getting the same type dress at a cheaper price. Maybe buying the material and taking it to a seamstress. When my friend got married, she bought the material, which cost around $100 for 4 dresses, and had them made. Maybe this bride can come to some kind of compromise.

Answer 5

That is an outragous amount of money for her to expect them to spend. They need to talk to the bride. Maybe suggest that they all get together to go look at dresses, they each pick out ones that they like and the bride make the decision on which one and what color. I have been in a couple of weddings and was never expected to spend anywhere near that much. Also, in one that I was in the mother of the bride offered to pay part on each bridesmaid dress. And in the other wedding the bride told us what color dresses she wanted and let us all get our own. We didn't 'match' but it was still really pretty and all the bridesmaids let the bride approve their dresses beforehand.

Answer 6

OMG, I feel your pain! I would mutiny, big time...hello for just a bit over the top, a tiara, on bridesmaids, eight of them, no less? Brides should really take into account what is flattering for the majority of the party and I'm guessing spaghetti straps and burnt orange ain't it! The brides taste seem to be all in her mouth!

It's so funny to me when I hear horror stories like this...The brides thought process must be something like..."I want to look the most beautiful I've ever looked...and I wonder what I can get to make eight of my closest friends look fat and slutty in orange."

and yeah, it's totally selfish of her...I totally just picked the colour and said pick something nice and they all did! I wouldn't blame them if they withdrew from being in the wedding...

Answer 7

You are right that the bride is being ridiculous in her spending expectations. But rather than mutiny, try having a conversation with her about having more reasonable expectations.

One the most modern trends these days is actually for the bride to give a color sample to the bridesmaids, and then all the ladies go find their own gown in that color. Try recommending that route to your bride.

Answer 8

Wow. That is completely outrageous. You have to talk to the bride. Asking a bridesmaid to spend 600 dollars is out of this world. Perhaps a compromise can be made. A cheaper but similar dress, or even find a pattern and fabric and have the dresses made (surely someone knows someone who can sew) and pick cheaper dye-to-match shoes.

The bride does have a right to have her wedding look just as she envisions it, but the maids have a right to set a boundary and say, "We love you. We would spend a million dollars each if we could because we want your day to be perfect! Unfortunately we just can't afford more than X amount each."

Bottom line is that the final decision is the bride's but every bridemaid has the right to set a financial boundary and bow out if necessary.

Answer 9

Brides have every "right" to pick the dress, but it doesn't make it right. And at least the style and cost should be a collaborative effort between the bride and her maids, but it doesn't have to be. (although the color is usually not negotiable :) )

And the bridesmaids have every right to kindly say that this is just beyond their budget or that they just feel too uncomfortable in that style, and suggest a compromise in cost or style. Or offer that perhaps the bride would be happier in asking someone else that can meet her expectations and she would be happy to share in her day as a guest.

It's a 50/50 shot whether the bride will see the light or maintain bridezilla status.

Answer 10

Normally it's what the bride wants, but the bride should also think of the expense too. Brides choose the colour, style, jewelry, shoes. Its their day. But this Bride should be thinking of the expense for the girls, plus if she wants her photos to look good she would rethink the styles of the dresses to suit the bridesmaids. Brides also normally chip in with the expense, like buy the jewelry for the bridesmaids as a thank you gift.