I am 21 years old and just had my first child and I feel like a single mom. Here are my reasons ok since our daughter was born he has not helped me with her by this I mean has not changed a pamper, feed her, or even bathed her. To make matters worse he complains everytime she crys if he is watching tv or even if he is in the same room with her. Don't get me wrong the only thing he likes to do is play with her but when she starts to cry he yells for me to come get her from him cause he doesn't know how to get her to stop... I am just overwhelmed and tired I would like for him to help me with her a little more just so I can get a little relax time to myself I feel I deserve it... please help....
2007-01-12 15:15:57 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Toddler & Preschooler
How old is he, dear? I assume he is your age? If so, he may be very immature and so not ready for parenthood! Get used to doing it solo. Instead of nagging at him, (won't do any good) get mom or your mother in law to give you a hand. Maybe you have a sister or sister in law who could help? Maybe he will get better in time and maybe not, but I would not leave my baby at his mercy anytime soon! Do not argue with him for the sake of your little one. Babies may get very upset even though they do not know what is going on yet, they sense their mother's emotions. God bless you and your precious little girl!
2007-01-12 15:25:39 · answer #1 · answered by Marie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was 21 when my daughter was born and in the same situation as you, girl. My husband would tell me "I don't know how to do this...you do cuz you are a mom!" To which I would answer "We became parents at the same time, so I have the same amount of experience!"
Don't give up. Make sure you talk to him when you are not in the moment of being like a firecracker ready to explode. At a time when you two are calm and close, talk with him. That's what I did. My husband did not know how I felt.
I know...after all those fights, he must have. But when we girls explode...guys have a way of tuning us out and thinking we are just going thru hormones.
It gets better, we have made it five years now. Just today, he complained because our son (1 1/2) had a dirty diaper and he didn't know where the diapers are. Shows you how many he changes!!! You have to make him do it sometimes. He will complain and fight, but when all is said and done, the struggle over him helping is worth it. But hang in there. My hubby fights with me over it and he does it anyway...crying the whole time. But he does it!
Make sure you two still go on dates too. You will stay close and that's good for all of you and baby too. It also makes a nice atmosphere where he will really hear what you have to say. Good Luck!
2007-01-12 15:26:02 · answer #2 · answered by FrazzledMom 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
my dear I feel so bad for you as a new dad of a almost 3 month old daughter myself I can not belive what I am reading
Here is a good way for you to get him to help first of all have him read all the replies this post will get he should be ashamed of him self and I would gladly tell that to his face
I am a 39 yr old first time dad and I could not love my daughter anymore than I do now and love my wife even more for giving me such a joy in my heart
I was the biggest wimp with other people babys and scared I would break them but it is a piece of cake maybe you should talk to him about this if you have not done so yet and get him involed with everything maybe just to watch what you are doing to change and feed and bathe baby and all
Maybe he is scared to try if he says he is not then ask him why
I would like to hear his response I can imagine ( well I work all day and it is your job ) ******** to that ya both made the child and it is both the same either way it is a full time job taking care of a baby all day and you know what i mean I changed my work shift so we can keep our child out of daycare
And I do it all day myself and was scared out-a my life for the first few days
Not that we cant afford daycare I dont want my child to be with someone i dont know or trust so he should ashamed that he does not want to be involved with all the child rearing because it will never come again and he may miss something
I feel for you very much and hope others feel the same as I do and share there feelings as I have
Please feel free to e-mail me at massmale99@yahoo.com
all us new parents need to stick together and support eachother all we can as I have found out
Good luck and enjoy your new daughter they are a blessing and show you who you realy are inside
sorry about the long response
from a proud PaPa
2007-01-12 15:44:49 · answer #3 · answered by freddy B 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is something that will be a problem till you baby is older. I had my son very young and I'm sorry to say that men don't step in till the baby is not a baby no more. In some weird way man think it is the mommy job to do the whole baby thing by themselves and it sucks. So what I started doing is when the baby is crying...find something else to do...walk away and let him take control for once...I know it's hard but you sometimes have to make them realize that your not going to be there all the time and he has to get to know your child so when your not around he'll know what to do and you'll feel at ease. Every child is different and they all have different needs. So when you see the baby starting to get fussy walk out of the room and make it look like your busy with something else so he can't say to you that your lazy etc. Make sure that he can't just hand the baby off to you...cause you'll be busy.If he askes you questions about what to do...give him all the answers and don't cave in by doing it yourself...I hope this helped..I have been there twice already
2007-01-12 15:27:43 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay ive seen this before, even when the parents planned the child. If you have tried talking about the issue and still nothing has come out of it. I would just tell him, and be up front with it. You guys are both the parents of this child and you need him to help you. Give him one task to do, tell him that he gives the daughter baths every other day and you feed her and just take turns with it. Thats what my husband and i did. It seemed to work pretty good. Then again everyone is different. Sometimes it takes father's longer to bond with the child unlike us because we carried them for 9 months and there is a really stong connection!! But just tell him that you really need his help on rasiing your daughter and while playing with her is good you also need him to help with feeding, changing..etc. So ask him what he thinks about taking turns with it. Like i said before, Monday's you feed and he gives the baths then Tuesday you give the bath and he feeds. Something like that! Make it fun so its not like a chore to do. And about him complaining when she cries, flat out tell him that shes a baby and babies do that and there is nothing you or anyone else can do, babies cry! Tell him to turn off the TV and get off his a** and help you instead of complaining about it! I think its only fair that he helps and i totally understand how you feel!! Good luck and hopefully he starts helping more!!
2007-01-12 19:37:29 · answer #5 · answered by s k 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have a 5 month old and at first my husband wouldn't help much either. I think he was more scared than anything. However, my husband was forced to help. I took on a second job and he had to watch the baby at nights. This really helped him start to bond with her. I'm not telling you to go get a night job, but to make plans to leave the house (go grocery shopping or something like that) and tell him he needs to watch the baby. Then stay away for a few hours so he is forced to be with the baby for a while. Maybe everyday, put him in the predicament of having to watch her (take a long shower, fold laundry, etc.) Soon he will become more comfortable with her.
2007-01-12 15:23:48 · answer #6 · answered by Peanut Butter 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would sign up for parenting classes. It definitely never hurts to do something like that and you come out of it with a lot of great advice, now if you go.. it's only fair that he accompanies you which is where it can REALLY help. He sounds like he doesn't know what to do, parenting classes would educate him and get him a bit more involved, especially when he sees other fathers playing an active role in raising their babies. It's important you express how you are feeling and do so in a calm manner , because if you don't you'll just explode one day from pent up frustrations and he wont have a clue why. He needs to know the problem so he has a chance to help fix it and if he refuses and you have already expressed your concern and he is ignorant to it , I would start thinking maybe your marriage is due for couples counselling. Good luck sweetie and congrats on your bundle of joy.
2007-01-12 15:22:19 · answer #7 · answered by Magz 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like hubby is insecure and unsure of his parenting skills. He may feel helpless when the hard stuff comes down. This is not uncommon for first time dads, but very frustrating for mommies. If he will agree, you could take parenting classes. Do you have friends that have babies where the dad takes an active part in caring for the child? Maybe by just watching how other dads care for their babies might make him more comfortable with his. If all fails, when your baby gets a little bigger he will most likely take a more active role.
2007-01-12 15:28:51 · answer #8 · answered by JANIE A 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A lot of men think women are born with a gene that gives them some inborn knowledge of how to care for a baby. This is simply not true. The best thing you can do is start leaving the house for short trips (30 min. to an hour). If he won't allow it, you definitely have problems. The more time he spends with her, the more comfortable he will be taking care of her on his own. The time away will do you a world of good as well. Child-rearing is usually a "learn as you go" experience, and he definitely needs to do his part. Maybe you can ask him to watch you bathe her or change diapers, or try it himself with you around. He is missing out on important bonding time with your child. Hopefully, a frank discussion will pursuade him to pitch in for his OWN good, as well as yours and your baby's.
2007-01-12 15:25:08 · answer #9 · answered by roknrolr63 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He need to have more contact with her. Why doesn't he try sitting on a rocking chair with her while he is watching tv. She has to get used to him. Or he could wear a baby carrier around the house. The motion may keep her from crying as much. He doesn't know how to deal with her that's why he wants you to come get her from him. Try to get him to do things with you while your feeding or bathing or whatever. He will see what your doing and then he can pick up a few pointers from you. Good Luck!
2007-01-12 15:24:56 · answer #10 · answered by pieceomind4me 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some men are stand-offish with babies I think because they don't understand them and they are also a little immature because they were getting all the attention before the baby came. Two things: 1. Talk to him about pitching in a little and maybe set some times when he can watch the baby -- he can cheat at this by taking her to his mother's house to watch awhile to give you a break. 2. Enlist the help of your female relatives or friends who are willing to help you out and give you a break or hire a babysitter. You need it, but most men aren't built to be nurturing and he also may be afraid he may hurt her even if he's gentle.
2007-01-12 15:25:18 · answer #11 · answered by Jasmine 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋