When is a good time to explain to my daughter that my husband is not her biological father?

Question

My daughter is 6 years old. My husband has been in her life since she was 2 months old and her real father has had no relationship with her at all. When my husband and I got married her biological father signed over his rights so my husband could adopt her. She has always had a relationship with her paternal grandparents but just recently she has wondered why she has three sets of grandparents. I just told her because she was a special girl and left it at that. I was never up front with her about her real dad because I thought she was too young and I couldn't and still can't imagine having to tell a child their own parent wanted nothing to do with them. It hurts me that I have to tell her but I know I will have to do it but I'm just not sure if I should now at this age or if I should wait. Also what would be the best way for me to tell her? Any suggestions would be great.

Answer 1

Speaking from experience, I would tell her now if you feel she is able to understand. Don't let her find out the same way I did. I went snooping through my mother's metal box where she kept important papers and found mine and my brother's adoption papers. Needless to say, I was NOT impressed.

I don't think telling an adoptee from the get go is warranted, as they need to reach an age where they will understand. But don't underestimate your child. They know more and have a better grasp on reality than we parents tend to give them credit for.

In the end, only you know your child. You and your husband will do what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do for her. But I do suggest you don't wait til she is old enough to go snooping ;) I wasn't much older than she is.

Answer 2

Hi Angela! Well, i think if yur daughter has been raised in a very loving environment, she will not even realize the difference between the bilogical father and the father that she has known throughout the years. At the age of six, she might not yet understand the term "biological", coz the only way for her to understand the real meaning of the word would have to mean that she has to understand how a child is made. I think what you can do best at the moment is to prepare her that you will be explaining something great to her in the near future, and that information you are about to reveal will let her realize what a FATHER is---bilogical or not, as long as the essence of what a father is to you and your daughter's life is being exposed to her. When that time comes, she's gonna be having a very wide understanding of what kind of a father a child needs... Good luck Angela, and i know that there is no one to explain it to her better than you. all you just need is to let the father that she knows be always connected and bonded to her. i'm a single parent, and i have 2 kids. separated from their father, and at the age of my eldest which is 4, she doesn't feel the disaster in the family that took place because i hae always covered that disaster with a mother's love. I'll pray for you. All the best!

Answer 3

I have a daughter that is five, and I know if I explained it to her in a way she could understand, she would get it. I don't think she is too young. We have a friend who's daughter is adopted and my daughter knows she has a birth Mom and a adopted Mom.

Do not tell your daughter her birth father wanted nothing to do with her. That will scar her forever. How about if you tell her that all Mommy's have a seed in their bellies(this is how we have explained the "where do babies come from" question to our daughter) and in order for them to grow, they need a Daddy. Some Daddys are not able to take care of the baby the way they need to be, so other Daddys take over for them. Tell her she has one Dad who gave her life and one Dad who will take care of her for him. When she gets older she might ask some of the harder questions, but as long as you reassure her that this Daddy is not going to leave her and will always be there for her, she will get it. I hope this helps, and good luck. You are very lucky to have such a great husband who takes care of your daughter like she is his own, some men do not do that.

Answer 4

It's better if she grows up knowing the truth than to find it out when she is old enough to start asking the right questions. Perhaps you could start by telling her that she is adopted. I grew up knowing that I was adopted before I really knew what it meant. I accepted it to be normal. You should certainly tell her the truth but not in such a way that it seems anything other than normal. You need to decide on names for everyone. Biological father, my husband, paternal grandparents and so on are not terms that a 6 year old could grasp. Daddy and Uncle Bill, perhaps, are. You could tell your daughter that you did not meet Daddy until after she was born, but you have known Uncle Bill for a long time. When she asks questions, you will need to answer them honestly and in such a way that she can understand and in such a way that she neither feels she has been deceived nor that she feels it is unnatural..

Answer 5

I was 8 when I found out and was devestated. And then as a child have to realize that the one who made you doesnt want anything to do with you its not very nice. A father is the one who loves her and is there for her. There is no reason while she is young to tell her. For her to be wondering about why she has 3 sets of grandparents and she is only 6 I have a feeling someone is already trying to break it to her . Kids now days have all kinds of grandparents . Grandma and grandpa remarry parents remarry very close friends who have no children like to be called grandparents to sometimes. My grandson has me , my mom and her mom and on his moms side the same thing and then since him and his brother are only half brothers his brother has another set of grandparents and the half brother calls me grandma too. I would tell her because you have a big family . When she gets to her teen years then you can tell her because by then she will understand alittle more about life and how its not out of this world for people to remarry. Anyway the only real father she has is the one she has right now that has been taking care of her. Trust me wait until she is older because I remember when I was 8 I ended up making my mom feel guilty and try to find the no good worthless piece of what ever. We never did find him until after he died and his other kids called to let me know . He actually moved to Canada so my mom couldnt get child support out of him. If you tell your daughter she will be curious and want to see him and if he regects her that will be bad. Trust me wait. The minute after I found out I completly changed too. I became not so sweet and loving and became more hard and cold . DONT DO IT>

Answer 6

i have a six year old little girl i am going through the exact same thing with. her biological donor is not in her life and hasn't been since the age of 4 months. she has asked why her last name isn't the same as mine and my other 2 children and then she came up with the idea that it was because her daddy and i weren't married yet. i never told her my husband was her biological father, she just kind of thought of it herself and we never disagreed. before he adopts her we are going to tell her the truth. and that truth isn't that her biological donor doesn't want her. the truth is that any man can make a baby and have a child but my husband loves her SO much that he CHOSE her to be his daughter and that makes her most special.

Answer 7

it is always tuff to try to tell a youngster that there biological parent gave up their rights, but I did not know my father until I decided to meet him at the age of 18. But my mom never kept it from me. It is ok to have extra mommies and daddies. and grammys and poppys. I would tell her the next time she asks. Just tell her thather daddy is her daddy. And you are her mommy and you love her tonz. Maybe when she is like ten or eleven years old then she could more understand the whole biological father thing. good luck, but it is tough to try to help make the parent decision side. But I know as a child who had a step father, that I am glad he was there for my whole life, and never treated me differently. He was my dad. still is. and that is all that matters.

Answer 8

im am in kind the same thing but mine daughter isnt here yet my husband and i have talked about it and we are going to wait until she is 13 and can understand why her real dad didnt stand up and be a man he just shot himself in the head this past x-mas she will understand if you explin to her that your husband loves her very much and wants to be her dad thats why he is there just make sure YOU do it before someone else does or she will hold it aganst you and think you were ling to her her whloe life after you taught herit is wrong to lie just wait until she is old enught to completely understand!

Answer 9

"Pichi's" answer hit it right on the mark, with the added provisio that you NOT tell her that her bio father "didn't want her." If she has a birth certificate, it's possible she'll want to try to contact him someday, maybe not. That relationship has to be between them without your influence. Stress the positive, and minimize/ignore the negative. She (and you) are so fortunate to have a real man in your lives who loves you both.

Answer 10

In my opinion, she should have grown up from day 1 knowing....
I highly recommend that you tell her at the earliest possible time. Kids tend to resent it, and sometimes get very messed up, when they learn later, esp. into adolescence.

Since she has three sets of grandparents, and knows it is different, than I would use that to tell her. Sometime, casually, when you are talking about her grandparents, or on your way to visit them. Just tell her, you know I said you were special to have three sets of grandparents ... well mommy had another partner before your daddy, and he is the one who put you in my tummy (something like that .. your own words and phrases of course), but he couldn't help take care of you and we met daddy who loves us very much.

No more need be said at that time, except to answer any questions she has. From that point, let her bring it up and answer her questions.

Blessings to you!
I do understand... my situation with my first child as well.