please help was i wrong to turn down my bf of 4yrs when he asked me to pay off his debt of 25k?

Question

we just became engaged 4 mons ago.about 2 weeks after tom asked me to help pay off his debt.this dept is not from a medical emergency but from guilt.he cheated and left his wife and child for a old gf(not me)and when he did he gave his wife everything(bank accounts,stocks,car,house,ect)which along with a huge child support payment left him in debt.i know this sounds mean but i have worked hard for what i have and feel i should not have to pay for his "mistakes".i know he thinks i'm selfish for not helping him but i feel he made these decisions that put him in debt.plus after 6yrs he still feels guilty for what he did(rightfully so) and his exwife uses that guilt to get what she wants.so if i pay off his debt i feel that will just free up more extra money he can give her.he already pays her child support/health/daycare cost.

Answer 1

Tell him he needs to take of his own responsibilities.He's the one who cheated on his wife and made the relationship go bad.What makes you think he's not going to do the same to you?!? First of all seems like he is using you to pay off his debts.

Answer 2

You are not being selfish at all but being very smart. What happens if Tom discovers a new love and dumps you leaving you in monumental debt. You need to look after yourself and the fact that you have money put aside attests to the fact that you have been careful with your money unlike him.
He is probably resentful of the fact that you have some security and wants to be in a better financial position than he is.
If you do lend him this money I predict that you will be writing to answers in six months upset at what a fool you had been.
Just remember how awful it was lending money to others in the past and how upsetting it was when they didn't pay you back. The worst part of getting into this situation is that it causes to much heartache. Just tell him your financial adviser told you that is was not a feasible plan and leave it at that. If he truly cares about you he will not bring this up again. Good luck.

Answer 3

First things first, Your money is YOUR MONEY. You are not married to him yet. He has no reason to "expect" that you would pay his debt off.
If he is in a bind, then there are other ways for him to pay his debt off. You should HELP him look for these ways.
Dont just turn him down, and drop it. (Dont pay his debt though.). Help him find a way to take out a loan, or ask his parents (or other relatives) for help. Ask him this question, "What would you do to solve this problem if I were not here, as your fiance', at this very moment? What would you do if I didnt have the money?" And go from there.

Your guilt will be lessened if you HELP him find a way to solve the problem, and he will know that you are at least caring about his situation enough to help. But GIVING him money will only tell him and his ex-wife that you are the supporter, and that they can always turn to you for financial help when they need it.

You can feed a man a fish, and you feed him for only a day.
You can teach a man to fish, and you will feed him for a lifetime.

Answer 4

I wouldn't pay off his dept of 25K and i would not feel guilty about it. It is your money. And you have to think of what is best for you in the future. If you help pay off all of his dept, what money do you have left to help with your own bills? a house? what if you want kids some day? And i hate to say it, but he has already cheated on his first wife, what happens if you pay off all of his dept, and you guys end up splitting up. I know at this point it doesn't seem realistic, but it could be someday. I say hold on to your money, and Don't feel guilty about it.

I read someone else's answer, and if you really do want to marry this man, maybe you should wait until he gets his debt more under control. My boyfriend and i have been together for a few years, and he has about 10,000 in dept. I am not helping him pay for this, we are waiting to get married until the dept clears (because it is so old) and when it gets payed off. I have good credit, and i don't want to mess that up (for both of us) by marrying him while he has bad credit. Although he does have student loans, because he is in school now, and i will help him pay that off, because it was for a good reason.

Answer 5

He was man enough to cheat, let him pay the consequences!!! that is your money, you worked for it!!! he should not involve you in his problems of the past. You are not being selfish, you are being smart.
Don't forget the saying "Once a dog, always a dog"
What if you pay for his debts and then cheats on you and leaves with somebody else, you would never forgive yourself for giving him the money. If he really loves you, he will respect your decision. Someone with dignity wont even ask his woman for money. Just be careful and think twice before making a decision.
P.S. and even if you marry him, that is your money, for you, for your future children, and your dream house, dont let him take that from you!

Answer 6

OMG OMG OMG...RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!! AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!! I am telling you now, do not pay his debt, no matter how much you love him and no matter how engaged you are. This is a way bad problem. If i were you i would even consider not marrying him until he made good on all his DEBT. You don't want to be the bank roll for him and his EX too. Girl i know you are in love and i know you have made a commitment to him, but do not ever ever ever support a man unless it comes to that long after you are married because something tragic happened to him. Call me old school if you like, but a mans job is to take care of himself and his family, not to let others bail him out. here is one of the declines of our society, we always want someone else to be responsible so we don't have too be. Honey RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!! NOW!!!!!

Answer 7

DON'T DO IT!!!! You will be soooooooo sorry if you do. He needs to take responsibility for his own life. You should think twice about marrying this man. Look at his track record. Open your eyes. You said it yourself, you worked hard for what you have, how are you even thinking about just handing it over to him, so he can have more money free to give to the ex? I do not think so!!!!!!! Wake up!! If he really wanted to, he could go back to court and request a child support modification, so he wouldn't pay so much.

Answer 8

No don't help him pay off his debt. He got himself into this mess he can get himself out. No top of that never combine your bank accounts or any other financial stuff since there is a chance he'll just use your money. Trust me on this one, I was in the same situation as you and I helped mine out. Now I'm 9,000 in debt and he used his money to wine and dine other girls. Keep your money for yourself.

Answer 9

I am a divorced man that paid child support from 2yrs until my daughter was 18.I took on debt got 2k in arrears twice. At times it was tough. I didn't even ask my parents to help. It's difficult to save money and you didn't save it to bail out your bf.

You can love support and nurture, but keep your money. $1000 is one thing, 25k is the precious fruit of your labor. Treat it as such.

Answer 10

Here's all you need to know honey

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS DEBT - and it is NOT up to you to pay it.

In my opinion, his ex has NOTHING to do with it - if your fiance thinks you are selfish - that should be your clue to break it off.... you answered your own question when you said that if you did pay it, that it would lead to him taking furter advantage of you. Give him his ring back - it's promise is WORTHLESS and you are worth more than gold!!

God bless.