Help! I am a step mom. The children seem so distant, I still feel like an intruder. My husband is wonderful

Question

The kids will barely have a conversation with me. I am trying but it so discouraging sometimes. Any ideas?

Answer 1

Oh you too !! Yes it can seem that way like you are a guest in the house unless you have a long talk with your husband. Talk to him how you feel but never say anything against his children. Be there for them when you can, even though they might be negative to you stay positive.

This has worked for me, for the most part however I still have problems with one daughter. However, you still have to be patient, and realize that your husband is worth it.

Answer 2

Hang in there, will take some time. I am sure they resent you because you have their dad. Kids sometime feel that a step mom stole their Dad from them, just do things to let them see they are wrong. You husband also needs to talk to them too, it will both of you. Once they see you a nice person and everyone can be happy together the jealousy should stop. Good luck.

Answer 3

i was in the same boat as you. i didn't know what to do either.
you could take your time and get to know them. just let them know you are there if they need you. plan activities that includes everybody and don't let anyone out of the plans. (picnics, zoo trips, road trip somewhere to see the sights.) you didn't say if their mom was still in the picture--if she is, you could be in for quite a few years of aggravation if she is bad-mouthing you in front of the kids. by doing this she will turn them against you if she can, and they will cause a lot of problems between you and your husband if they can.
if she is not or she isn't the vindictive type, then you might involve her in getting the kids' trust. she might give you pointers on favorite foods etc. that might help you get in good with the kids.
i certainly wish you a lot of luck.

Answer 4

Hello. First let me say that it is so nice to see a step parent reaching out. I come from a divorced family and have delt with many step parent issues. Generally what children go through stems more from their relationship with their biological parent. First of all, if the Bio parent is somewhat distracted by his/her new relationship, their child feels left out. Second, if the step parent has a dominate personality, the children can be afraid of that. For me, it was a combination of both. My mom had 5 kids with my dad when she left him. First thing she did within 3 months was get in a relationship and get pregnant. My parents were married for 19 years so this was very hard on us. Secondly, she allowed my step father to be somewhat abusive and he remain in our lives. Third, my father dissapeared due to depression for 5 months. When he finally showed back up he was married to a mexican woman who didn't speak english. He didn't leave much room for us getting to know her...because we didn't understand her and she didn't understand us. The point is this, listen to the children, give them "their" space with their bio parent and be kind and loving....they will eventually come around. I also see a therapist regarding this which has given me some very recourseful information. Hope that helps.

Answer 5

There's understandably a discomfort at first. Focus on family activities that you can do together....ask the kids what their interest are and see if they'll give you ideas of things they'd enjoy doing as a family. Ask for dad's help in assisting in conversation.

Answer 6

I'm a step-mom to and maybe you are tiring to hard. If you stop what you are doing they are going to start wondering what they did and maybe that will open the door for a good old conversation.

Answer 7

How old are the kids? Teens are like that, even with their biological parents!

It is normal for all kids to be standoffish to a "new" parent. Give them some time and a lot of love. Don't give up. They will accept you, when they are ready to.

Good luck!

Answer 8

being a step daughter myself, i understand it. they will probably feel like this for quite a while. they may feel like you are trying to take their mothers place at first or maybe they are upset b/c their parents are no longer together. just give it some time. dont give up. i did not like my step parents very much at first. but i have grown to love them to death. don't give up. things will come around. if they act as if they want nothing to do with you, dont take it too personally. they are probably just upset and confused about their parents seperation and their fathers new relationship. just hang in there. it will take plenty of time but things WILL get better. k?

Answer 9

The only advice that I can give you is to observe them and their interests, give them time, and try out some activities that resemble their interests inviting them along. Don't give up on them, though; Keep trying because the more distant you become, the more they'll distant themselves.

Answer 10

I'm a step mom and it took a little while. And no I didn't spoil them ;o) I just let them know I wasn't here to try to be their mother because they already had one. As time went by things fell in place and now we're pretty close. ;o)