ok i hat that verytime that i get help for my poem people think that i cut my wrist...no i don't i don't need you to make sure my life goes right i ned you to help me make my poem go right for the people who will think i've got problems.
and what i write is not the whole poem its only a little piece. as soon as ui'm finished i will post it so, so far i've gotton
you made me feel like i had no scars
remember when when i shared my
darkest momments with you?
you held my underneath the stars
and when i'd cry,
you'd cry too
whatever happened to tose days when
you said you will love me
always?
now i feel as if we have no place
so any advice? well i don't need advice!!1 i'm stuck right here and don't ask dumb questions like why she cuts, i don't cutt i need no counselors just help on the poem and i might use you part in it but i'll still give all you guys creditt since i am taking pieces of your own,...thanks!!!!
2007-01-12 12:23:37 · 6 answers · asked by mischa m 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Maybe the grammar and spelling :
you made me feel like I had no scars
remember when when I shared my
darkest moments with you?
you held me underneath the stars
and when i'd cry,
you'd cry too
whatever happened to those days when
you said you'd love me
always
now i feel as if we have no place
I really like this poem, especially because of the way the lines leave you hanging- the pauses make you think, and give the lines more meaning. Hope you finish it!
2007-01-12 12:29:09 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
i agree with some that it seems bland and cliche and more imagery is needed but when you beautify it too much with imagery and verbiage (as someone did) then it becomes superficial as a beauty queen expressing what is wanted not what is felt. so with that, here i go:
you made me feel i had no scars.
remember when when i shared my
darkest moments with you?
you held my underneath the stars
and when i'd cry,
you'd cry too.
whatever happened to those days when
you said you will love me
always?
now i feel as if we have no place
that i don't fit in your rhyme
or that you have time to make
for me.
with our warm embrace
becoming distant as the stars
which we once gazed
and cold as the seas
that runs down my face.
meh. that's what i can give without drastically changing the mood and diction already established. hope you finish.
2007-01-12 21:01:25 · answer #2 · answered by Flabbergasted 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you made me feel like I had no scars
Empty like a void in space
Like the darkest moments shared
from my heart to yours
My love pours like the rain
It thunders in my heart
when you don't listen you dont hear
the voice cry in my whispering way
Pour your self upon me
and pace yourself for I am there
lest I find you a drunkard in the bars.
2007-01-12 20:32:35 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
umnn im no keats or anything like that but i think your poem needs a little more flow built in. it seems at the moment its just script from a paperback..
if you don't like this answer i'm sorry but you did ask for advice
2007-01-12 20:32:06 · answer #4 · answered by aerobatic22405 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"You made me feel like I had no scars"-
what a savory morsel of a line. (As in, of poetry.) Thank you.
2007-01-12 20:38:33 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well it's kinda weird but hey whatever does it for ya.. "but it's not bad so you know
2007-01-12 20:31:00 · answer #6 · answered by csm 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋