How can I get him to step up and be a father?

Question

I was living with my daughter's father in Alabama for the begining of my pregnancy. The first fight we got into, he took off & went to Texas. He's been living with his family completely living off of them since then. He has started school stating he wants to make something of himself for his daughter's sake. He was not here for her birth & never called to see if she was born. A week after her birth I called him. His aunt flew us down there to visit for 4 days. My daughter is now 2 months old. He states he loves us & wants to be with us but keeps making excuses as to why he cannot. I am not interested in a relationship with him, just want him to be a part of his daughter's life. I have gone from sleeping on a friends couch to having my own place. It's a continuos struggle with NO financial help from him. Financial help would be great but I more want him to be a father. How do I get him to understand that he can't keep putting her off. I want him to stop acting like a "SPERM DONOR".

Due to him not being at the hospital at the time of her birth , his name is not on the birth certificate. He does not doubt he is her father he is just too selfish to think of anyone but himself. He does claim to want to be in her life.

Answer 1

I have the same problem with my daughters father and after 10 years, I fianlly stopped trying. I realized that no matter what I say no matter how many time I tell him how he could be a good father how many times I tell him its not about the money... he'll never get it. I would get a court order for custody though.. child support is up to you but he should have to pay some. Good Luck honey and Take Care.

Answer 2

There isn't much you can do to "get him to step up and be a father." However, you could file for child support to help in caring for her. I've been where you are, you would rather him physically be there for your child than just financially but in the end he has to be there one way or the other. If he refuses to be there physically then force him financially. Your daughter deserves that much from him, even if he has a million excuses as to why he can't.

Answer 3

Oh honey you can't. We often wish that we could change other people but the sad reality is we can't control the actions of another. He will do what he will do. What you CAN do however is go after him for child support. It doesn't matter if he is employed or not. He has a financial obligation to his child. You can also consider asking him to relinquish his parental rights. This way he will never have any financial obligation and will be out of your hair forever. He sounds like a loser anyway.

Whatever you do, in later years do not ever bad mouth him in front of your daughter. She is going to have lots of questions and try to answer them as best as you can without making him out to be an ogre. You don't ever want her blaming or resenting you for her lack of a father.

Good luck and God Bless!

Answer 4

Long and short - you can't make him be a dad to your daughter. That is a choice he has to make, and something he has to do himself. You are doing all you can by making her available to him and his family.

My sister had the same situation with her oldest son. Her ex took off before he was even born. She made every attempt to allow him to be involved in her son's life, but the father chose not to. My nephew is now 14, smart, popular in school, athletic, and looking forward to going to the school he has wanted to go to since he was 10 - MIT (I told you he was smart - he already has a scholarship - the kid is a whiz with computers!!). But this is all his father will never know because he totally cut himself off from his son. Now, my nephew wants nothing to do with his biological father, preferring to call his step father "dad". He has even asked his mother to find out what has to be done to be adopted by his "dad".

Your daughter will figure things out as she gets older. All you can do is make sure you allow her father access and contact with her - it is up to him to take it. If he doesn't, then he will be the bad guy. As she gets older, she will see her father for what he truly is, and will formulate her own opinion of him. Just make sure that there are some male figures in her life (like grandfather, your brothers if you have any, etc), and he will be the loser in the end.

Answer 5

TALK IS CHEAP ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS. sorry i have to yell that at you. but its true. He doesnt want to be there so face the damn facts and get your **** together and find someone else. YOu are just preventing a real man from entering your life like this. Forget him..hes the one who has to live in regrets..and if hes this unstable now what about when your daughter is five asking wheres daddy? ???? unelss he puts a good effort in now your daughter is going to grow up screwed up and you had better just let sleepign dogs lie and find a good role model for yoru daughter as a dad not someone whos going to play teh dissapearing act.

Answer 6

Sue his *** for child support and get custody papers and visitation papers drawn up in court now. I made the mistake of not doing that with my ex. We are friendly and he takes the kids most weekends but child support is really sticky. Our situation isn't ugly except when it comes to money but it very easily could become that way.

You can't make someone be a father but you can make them live up to their financial obligations. Cut your losses with this loser and keep moving forward. Sounds like your on the right track. Take good care of that baby and good luck.

Answer 7

You can't FORCE him to be a father. As far as financial help you blew that one when you didn't have him named on the birth certificiate. Now he doesn't HAVE to pay child support unless you can PROVE he is the father and he doesn't HAVE to submit to a DNA test unless he wants to. So he would be smart not to admit to being the father if you came looking for support. You don't get to dictate what you want him to do he DOES have a choice in the matter and obviously he has made it. You're just going to have to learn to suck up and deal with it. This was the CHOICE you made when you spread your legs...maybe next time you'll be more disgretionary in who's penis you allow into your vagina.

Answer 8

Oh My god...i know exactally what u r going through...my ex is the same way...we have 2 girls together (2 yrs and 6mths( and i am telling u there is nothind...i have him to court and threatened to aresst him( he owes me a tone of back pay in support) and if he is going to be that selfish and doesnt want to do it...u cant make him. to tell u the truth u and your daughter r better off with out him...i dont want to go into too much on hear ...email or IM me...its nice to have someone who is gopoing through the same thng...gotta go mommy duty calls...

Answer 9

Not much you can do unfortunately, some men just take a while before they can come to terms with their being a father. He should be paying you though... it's expensive to raise a baby on your own. Even my husband, who lives with me and loves his son very much, took 2 years before he was really a very active part in his son's life. Guys just don't have that same "instinct" we do to care for our children.

Answer 10

i feel he is scared to take up his responsibilities, what i know i that he can never forget the good old times and since he says he loves his daughter , try and talk to him and those he listens to and respects to talk to him on your behalf and make him see that by accepting his responsibilities of fathering a child, he won't loose his dream or focus in life, rather it will be fun achieving his goals and having a wonderful baby gurl growing to bear his name and signature as a father.
Make him feel happy and proud and you will see he will be the one rushing home to see his kid.