Boyfriend might have loved ex more?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 year. I love him very much, and he loves me. He was with someone on and off for 6 years, that was until 2 years ago. Since they were engaged, I have always thought he loved her more. He has a whole box filled with her notes. When we first started dating I saw his room, and it had her name all over the mirror. He said he forgot it was there. Around that same time, I looked in his phone and her name was in it. But it was disconnected. He also said that this certain perfume I wore reminded him of the past. It was the same kind she wore, but he says it's a generally nice smell. But the biggest thing is thta I feel second. He's the first person I've ever loved. I feel he does not carry that same feeling for me, but spent it on his ex. She also abused him, and cheated on him. But I couldn't get away with those things, nor would I try. He says he loves me just as much, but he was going to marry her. We're not engaged. I would really love some help.

Answer 1

In a sense, he doesn't love you as much as he loved her-yet.
They were engaged, and you are still just dating, but I said LOVED, meaning past tense, he doesn't love her like that anymore (from what you've told us), and you're lucky that he picked you to date after his heart had been brutally broken. He trusts you. My boyfriend was in almost the EXACT same situation, and he still has things he misses about his ex-I'm sure, but he has decided to forget her and make a new life with me. Try to think of it sort of like that. Your boyfriend and his ex had to work hard to get to the "engaged" part, and if you want your relationship to get that good, then you will have to be prepared, not just assume that things will be that intimate when you've just started.
I hope this helps!!
Good luck!!

Answer 2

First and foremost, he was in a relationship for six years. The dynamics they shared are going to encompass areas that you may not have even touched on in your one year together. You can't compare the experiences that were shared by the two of them over a six year period with the experiences that the two of you share. You stated that he says he loves you just as much. If you love him, you have to trust that what he tells you is true. Speaking from personal experience, I shared a relationship with someone for about a year and a half. On every level, from everyone else's perspective, it was a perfect relationship. HOWEVER, at some point I wanted to get married and he didn't. We still saw each other and dated casually for almost ten years afterwards. And we have shared experiences together that we have NEVER SHARED with other individuals. But it just wasn't meant to be. I have since found what I consider the love of my life. We haven't shared experiences that I treasured with my ex, but we have bonded in a way that wasn't possible with the other person. We married in June 2005. SOOOOO, in spite of the fact that he has maintained positive memories from a previous relationship, don't penalize him for sharing those memories with you. There is nothing wrong with memories, as long as they are just that - memories.

Answer 3

If he is so numb to the fact that he is holding onto the past, he is not fully present with you. How can a person forget they have the other person's name and stuff around? Out of respect for who I was with I have put away all pics and such that exes have given me. I am crazy about my present BF and he does not like to see me wearing jewelry (diamonds/sapphires, nice things) the ex gave me. So I don't. His love is decoration enough.

I was hung on my ex. I loved him much more than he loved me. But I finally figured out that all I really have is RIGHT NOW. So I hung up that train of thought about the ex. I still have to pull out an emotional splinter from time to time. But the one I am with now loves me so much more than my ex. I want to keep him and make him happy. It has taken me a year to get enough of the past out of the way.

I would have a straight conversation with your man about your concern and how it makes you feel. The secret in talking to men is to not make them wrong for things that upset you. If you do, they won't listen or they get defensive. If things don't change, find someone who is lit up by you.

BTW - I would NEVER keep the "love notes" of someone who abused and cheated on me. That would be the first thing I'd burn or toss. And if I were you I'd find my own scent that is not her perfume.

Answer 4

I understand how your feeling. It seems like when someone is hurt by someone else those feelings carry on to the next person that they become involved with and they don't' even realize it. My ex did the same thing to me bringing up things from the past with his ex. What you need to do here is talk to your boyfriend tell him how you feel. tell him that your not his ex, that you will never hurt him, and that what he is doing at the moment is hurting you. I don't think that he has completely forgiven his ex and that's a bad thing because he probably is thinking that you may hurt him to. The best advice here is communication between you and your boyfriend. He may not have engaged to you yet because he's scared. good luck...

Answer 5

Every relationship is different and he probably has never even thought of who he loves more. If he says that he loves you and it's genuine you shouldn't worry about women in his past unless he's not over her. Just because you guys aren't engaged right now it doesn't mean that it is not in store for you in the future. It is nearly impossible to compare two completely different relationships so instead of dwelling on his past, take the time to appreciate your relationship and all of the good things that you all have to offer each other.

Answer 6

I don't think you should take it personally. As people we only get one "first love", and although he might not love you the same as he did his ex it doesn't mean he loves you any less. What's important is that the ex is his past and you are his present and future. Just enjoy it and be happy because if you spend all of this time worrying then you're not spending the time enjoying. I hope this makes you feel better.

Answer 7

It's hard being the first person after a love like that. It's hard loving someone after something like that. He loved her in a different way is all. First big loves are very difficult to overcome. Realize that, as long as you don't cheat on him or abuse him, you'll always be the better woman, and he'll eventually see that, if you want to wait around that long.

Answer 8

I AM SILL GOING THRO THE SAME THING WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 2YRS AND I STILL THING THE SAME AS U, THE X HURT HIM SO BAD IT SEEMED LIKE HE COULDNT COMMIT TO US. BUT U NO WHAT IF HE DIDNT CARE BOUT U U WOULDNT EVEN BE TOGETHER, AND WHAT I NO IS WHEN MY BF SAYS HE LOVES ME I NO HE DOES BECAUSE I AM THERE 4 HIM AND HE NO'S THAT, THE ONLY THING I CAN SAY IS DO WHAT EVER U CAN TO MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE YOU LOVE, AND HE'LL COME AROUND IT WILL BE SLOW AND TAKE LOTS OF TIME TELL HE REALLIZES THAT U DO CARE FOR HIM AND BELEAVE ME, HE WILL LOVE U MORE THEN ANYTHING OR ANYONE EVER, JUST BE THEIR FOR HIM. AND TALK TO HIM ABOUT EVERYTHING ANYTHING GO OUT FOR COFFEE LIKE STARBUCK AND JUST TALK GO TO DINNER IT DOESNT NEED TO BE FANCY AND JUST TALK, IT WORKS HE WILL NO UR THERE FOREVER.
IF U NEED TO NO MORE OR OTHER THINGS TO DO JUST EMAIL ME. WE CANT HELP EACH OTHER OUT
MINE STILL HAS LOVE NOTES TOO. THAT HURTS ME MOST

Answer 9

I have come across this situation once and i made this worst for myself by always feeling the second best... and you know what , i started thinking that he didn't love me ... with this thought i started fighting with him ...making small issues a big one. these feeling of jeaolousy was ruining my chance of happiness with him...we came so close to breaking up... than one of my friends helped put sense in me.... HE WAS WITH ME NOW AND THEIR WAS NOTHING ANYONE COULD SAY OR DO TO CHANGE THE FACT THAT WE WERE TOGETHER.

So dear lady dont mess it up....hink of it as i have... his with you even though he may talk of pass but those talks are regrets ONLY REGRETS....you are his love now that is the reason his with you now and nothing running after his ex.

Dont dig your own grave.

Answer 10

he probably does have feelings still and even though it's been a year give him a couple more months but if he still seems like he has feelings for her then thats when you put your foot down nd tell him what your thinking and how you can solve the problem. good luck