We talked about marriage..but his mom wont let him move out of the house?

Question

I admit, we are young (24/25). We have steady jobs. We make decent income (good enough to be pre-approved for a 2500 sqft house). We're not planning on having kids...yet (maybe 3 years into the marriage). He lives with his parents and 2 older brothers and 2 younger sisters. His mom doesnt want him to get married or move out. And I see that he's struggling because i think he feels like he have to choose between me and his mom (I dont want him to feel that way). I really want to move out of NY to the west coast. I'm basically waiting for him here in NY. Should I just go? I'm not sure what to do. We've been together for almost 6 yrs....

I just dont want his mom to hate me in the future or even worse.. hate him.

Answer 1

The two of you sound like you are financially ready to be married, and after six years, emotionally ready too. I understand you don't want to pressure him but he is old enough to stand up for himself and start his own life. Don't give an ultimatum but have a serious talk with him about the future. Let him know that while you understand that he's stuck in a difficult position, he also needs to consider what is best for the two of you! Good luck.

Answer 2

Well I hope he isn't just taking you for a ride here.

Thing is, he is no longer a little boy. He is an adult now and able to do what he would like. His mother can dislike a decision he makes or doesn't make but she really can not do anything about it.

If his mother needs some extra help within the family, like she may be having health problems or such, she could talk to the siblings who are not wishing to move out. In that case, they clearly are just taking up space.

Really though, he needs to tell his mother that he is in love with you and wants to spend his life with you. It does not mean that he is going away forever, he will still be around for his mother. Also, she should look at it as she is not losing a son she is gaining a daughter-in-law.

Good luck and have a great night!

Answer 3

I think you and your boyfriend need to do some serious talking about what you both want out of life. He is going to have to choose whether he wants to stay with his mother, or be with you. If he can't decide, I would tell him he has X amount of time to make up his mind, because you want to get married. If he doesn't want to, then it's time for you to move on.

You have already spent a long time with this man, so don't make a hasty decision. But if you feel he just can't break away from his controlling mother, it isn't going to get any better if you do marry him. He needs to get some backbone and make a decision!

I know you don't want him to have to choose between you and his mom, but think-----that is exactly what he is going to have to do! I don't know why he and his older brothers are still living at home anyway. Most men that age are already out on their own. You just might have a mommy's boy, and unfortunately sometimes they just don't change. Not even after marriage.

Good luck to you, and I hope you can make him realize that he has to decide what he really wants.

Answer 4

24 is not too young to move out of your parent's house. I take it that his dad isn't in the picture. Is he the oldest? That may be a big reason that she doesn't want him to leave , especially if he has been helping out a lot financially and just taking care of his younger siblings. She also might not want him to be so far away when he moves. Is there some reason why you want to move out to the west coast, like because of job opportunities? Maybe you can compromise that you live in NY for the first couple of years to get her used to the idea of him living on his own and then move to the west coast. good luck.

Answer 5

I was in a similiar situation. It was alot easier for me since my fiance and I lived in the same city. I was 25 and he was 27 when we initially got engaged. I loved alone and he lived with his mother. During the planning period I discovered that his mother wasn't ready to let him go so easily, but I didn't let that deter our plans. But as it became more evident that my finance had some serious issues to resolve with his mother beyond moving out. She openly criticized every decision we made regarding our wedding, said that she wouldn't come, told how much we should spend, and was a major pain. When time after time, my finance didn't stand up for me and began to realize that maybe he needed some time to decide whether he is really ready to be married. The hardest thing I did was to call off our wedding. At the time, he wasn't ready. After awhile, he realized that he really wanted our relationship to work so he started making decisions for us and not for his mother. In the end it worked out for us, but I had to give him time to figure out what he really wanted.

In your situation I think you need to have a heart to heart about whether you both want to get married and are willing to make decisions for the both of you. It may be hard for him but as long as he is putting you first, than things should work out. Some mothers just have a harder time and it will be a transistion, but as long as the two of you are willing to make it work than things should be fine. The second issue that you two need to discuss is whether the two of you decide to live. You might consider each others job opportunities, cost of living, etc. before deciding. Once the two of you decide where is best for the both of you, then I would continue your relationship from there and take one step at a time.

No matter how much you don't want him to feel like he has to choose, that's a part of becoming a man... He needs to make decisions for hisself. And all you can do is be by his side and support him through the difficult time in his life.

Answer 6

I think that his mom needs to let him grow up and let go. My fiance's mother is that way. He lives with his parents (only child) and I live with them! His mom tried to talk us into still living there when we get married. I was like hell, no! It is hard enough having her on me all the time about my family, my beliefs, my way of doing things. Every argument i have with my fiance, she says not to fight with 'her son' and she takes sides and makes her stupid little comments and controls her son and tries to control me and gets mad when i don't let her. she is rude, manipulating and controling and accuses me of corrupting her son, stealing him away and replacing her. He does whatever she wants when she wants it. She always calls us to see what we are doing and where we are at. She demands that we stay home with her because his dad works weird hours and I told my fiance if this does not stop, and we don't move out, we will not survive and he fianlly got the hint that i was serious and said we will get an apartment.

Answer 7

24/25 is the right age to move out.He sounds like a mommas boy already.She has enough kids at home as far as his mothers concerned.Also if youve been waiting for 6 years wow thats a long time he really does need to cut the cord with his mom and move on and be a ADULT.Not a child at home with his mother and brothers and sisters.And beleive me dont move in there either.Couples need there space.

Answer 8

I understand the whole family side to this, but It's time for the guy to cut the cord and start his own life. Most parents want to see there kids go out in the world, do well, start a family etc. It sounds like this mother wants to control her kids forever and if he doesn't move on, she will.

Answer 9

Whoa, he's a "grownup" and his mom won't LET him? OOh, girl, that's a red flag. I wouldn't have been dating a man who still lived at home anyway, because he hasn't experienced real life and had independence. He is obviously not ready for marriage, oh, but he'd marry "his mom" - someone who would look after him the way she does. You have to seriously think if this is a good situation with this guy....

Answer 10

24 is plenty old enough for him to move out if he wants to. It's natural for her to not want him to move out but she will get over it. All moms have to get over this-- it happens for all normal sons eventually.

It does sounds like she has a real grip on her sons since the two older ones are even still living there with her. I'm not saying it will be easy for he and his mom, just that it does eventually to happen.