My fiance makes me feel guilty when I spend time away from her...how do I remedy this?

Question

I spend a lot of time at home during the week, but one or two night during that week I go out with friends without her. She thinks this is belittling to her and I feel like she is controlling my abilities to make my own decisions. The weekends I try and plan events for both of us and then one or two with our individual friends. We're young and couple activities aren't readily available just yet...I'm not sure what I'm into.

Answer 1

Tell her how you feel... that you aren't ignoring her and that you are trying to make time for her AND your friends. We all need time to ourselves or with other people every so often. She should understand that.

Answer 2

Talk to her about your frustrations. Tell her that, while you love her and want to spend time with her, other relationships in your life matter and need nuturing as well. Tell her that you wouldn't stand in the way of her relationships with her friends, and that you would like the same respect from her. Ask her if there's an underlying fear that might be working to make her resentful, and reassure her that she can trust you.

If talking doesn't work, then you might try couples counseling, but if she's a reasonable person, she should understand. Don't be afraid to postpone the wedding or take time away from the relationship to work this out, because if she doesn't bend on this issue, it's probably a sign of deeper problems.

Answer 3

You sound very well adjusted while she sounds insecure. Try to reassure her by showing all the time you do spend with her. Try to explain that she needs to work on some activities that don't include you - being with other friends, getting involved in a hobby, taking a college course or some other class she might like. She will be a more interesting person and the time you do spend together will have more meaning and value.

Answer 4

all couples need their own time...i would hope she could respect that. Sit down and talk to her and let her know that you are not going out to escape her but to just have some you time...everybody needs some personal time. If you're together all the time it will get old. (been there done that with a clingy insecure husband..but that was only one of the MANY problems, so dont fear) Tell her during that time she can find a friend and go out with them..and you wouldnt be offended. A way my boyfriend and i do this...we dont have that many friends and it seems almost every day we need at least some me time...he puts his headphones on and he rocks it out in the bedroom and i watch tv in the living room...when hes done we spend time together..and i respect that he needs some time. So just sit down and talk to her about how you feel.

Answer 5

This is definately an issue that needs discussion. Tell her how you honestly feel. Everyone needs some time and space to spend to themselves or with friends. The two of you need to seriously sit down and discuss what each others expectations are regarding this issue. Without resolving it now, it can lead to a much bigger problem in the future. If you haven't already gone to premarital counseling, I strongly recommend you look into it. It's very important that the two of you discuss roles and expectations now. In depth pre-marital counseling can help in this area.

Answer 6

If you have a fiance, then you should be spending time with her more rather than every weekend. She should be your "see everyday" person. She probably gets a little bit insecure when your out with friends. That's just the way girls are, in fear of thinking it's possible you could hang out with other girls unexpectedly. It's weird i know, but it's hard to explain. That's just how women are. We want you to spend all your time with us & if you go out with friends, we might get jealous & insecure about it so why not invite us along? usually, fiance's are not suppose to go out with his boys as much. Those are things you do when you were a bachelor.

Answer 7

I have been the insecure girl that behaved like this. In my situation this stemmed from a first boyfriend that would constantly go out alone. I ended up pregnant and he would still be out every night with his friends. His opinion was that his "life" didn't have to end because "I" had a baby. This insecurity for me carried over to my other relationships.
My husband finally helped by still going out, but he would tell me what time he was going to be home and actually come home at that time. He started out going out for short periods of time and then gradually he reassured me of who he was and how he felt about me by not ever leaving me hanging. It helped for me. I was happy when he was home on time and now...I could care less what he does or who he does it with.
I would not like to think of myself as someone that used to be selfish or unthoughtful, but it was a serious thing for me because he would go out with friends while I was at home with a baby. Past experiences can seriously dictate where you life goes. Talk to her and ask her why she feels like she needs to control you. Maybe she has a reasonable answer and just needs some help.

Answer 8

Leave her. You wont be able to survive her selfishness. Sooner or later you will. The sooner the better. And don't wait to get married and have kids. Its much worse. She'll never change. For good at least.
A small test that sometimes works. See how your eventual mother in law is. Your fiance wont be much different.

Answer 9

Well, the most positive thing I can say is put off the wedding indefinitely until you can work out these problems. It sounds to me like she has years of growing up to do...if you marry her, then once she does, you both will have changed so much that it will be time for a divorce.

I say...get out now.

Answer 10

Well .... so you don`t feel guilty.... try and see how much fun she has around her girlfriends when you`re not there. Then you will know that she is having fun without you and not feel guilty.

=)
good luck!