My 9yr old step daughter told me that her mom is selfish, lies, and is sometimes not a good parent. This is a fact that I have been well aware of for the past 5 years (mom is CONSTANTLY lying to everyone and is always cheating on her new boyfriends etc...). My husband and I don't ever talk bad about her mom and it has only been recently that she is noticing how badly her mom really behaves. This past weekend her mom said she was "sick" (again) and didn't want her daughter on her scheduled time-which happened to be on her birthday and her mom had planned a party for her. Needless to say, this really upset my stepdaughter. There are two additional problems as well. One, my SD has been getting into trouble at school for everything, and then lies about it- just like her mom. When we tried talking to her about what's really bothering her she said that her dad doesn't pay enough attention to her but THE EXACT OPPOSITE is true. Mom hardly ever wants to be with her and dad does. HUH?
2007-01-12 08:39:46 · 8 answers · asked by Erin H 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Grade-Schooler
I've got a friend that's in the same situation but only he's a single father. Keep a record of it. Be sure that you both tell her that that's still her mother and she should respect her. She doesn't have to agree with her but she does need to respect her esp. at 9 years old. I'd check with the school about counceling. Might mean that you, dad and the mom will all have to go. Keep track and record of the good and bad things that the mom does and go from there with a lawyer if push comes to shove. Good luck.
2007-01-12 08:48:58 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow! The kids are always the ones to suffer. Emotional abuse from a parent, especially a mother, is hard to help a child to cope with. You're right in not talking bad about her mom, that would only make you guys look bad and would probably put her on the defensive. Continue to reassure her of your love and her father's love... but more than that - try assuring her that her mother does love her, but that she has major problems that she's going to need help with (obviously). Let your stepdaughter know you'll always be there for her. As far as getting into trouble ... you and her father (especially dad) need to let her know that you understand that she's hurting and upset about her mom and that's why she's been acting out, but understanding it does not mean it will be tolerated. Don't "reward" bad behavior. If you tolerate and/or reward it she'll feel you don't care about what she does...and that translates into not caring about her. I wish you the best.
2007-01-12 16:57:36 · answer #2 · answered by K H 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just because she sees it in her mom doesn't mean she's willing to see the same things in herself. As for talking to her, tell her that her mother does the best she knows how to do. None of us are perfect. She loves her daughter, no matter what. The best thing you can do as a step parent is to never talk bad about the other parent, no matter what.
As for Dad's time, all three of you sit down together. Tell her you both try to give her lots of your time, but you understand if it might not always feel that way. Ask her to help decide something they can do together (her and Dad). Let her be involved in the planning, and set a budget and a time for this event. Make it a habit. She might feel more attention from him if you make a big (positive) deal out of her helping decide ways to spend time with him.
2007-01-12 16:50:14 · answer #3 · answered by Velken 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe the father needs to try to get full custody. As far as talking to the 9 year old. I know from experience: let her do the talking. Be a shoulder for her to lean on and let her know that she can confide in you. The things she tells you (unless they are harmful or details have to be shared for the safety of the kids) keep between you and her. Keep your responces to her questions neutral. I too never speak bad about my daughters father in front of her. Its been hard the past coupe years seeing my daughter adore her loser no good father but recently she has started to see whim for who he really is. Its hard to see the hurt on her face as Im sure it is with your step daughter too.
You and your husband sound like good parents, hopefully, if you guys want it you can get custody and show these girls what real parents are like and what living in a loving stable household can be like. Its a vicious cycle and if the girls dont get out of the situation they will most likely grow up to be just like their mother.
I just re read your question: sounds like you probably have full custody. I also recommend counseling but not just for teh daughter. Make it a family session and then have the kids seen seperatly and you and your husband seperatly. The counselor may be able to give you and your husband great suggestions on how to deal with your kids when it comes to their no good mother.
Good Luck and Take Care!
2007-01-12 16:48:58 · answer #4 · answered by Kristin Pregnant with #4 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is getting to the age where she is going to start figuring these things out on her own. And in turn, she's going to try to deal with them in her own way. Stay on her for the lying and discipline her the way you and your husband deem appropriate. In the meantime, make sure she is getting some alone time with dad for a couple of hours a week or so. You're right in not bad-mouthing her mother as that would just make things worse. Be there to listen, offer suggestions for ways she can "talk" better with her mom if she asks, but otherwise let her figure this one out. My nephew is now 11 and had a similar situation. He still goes to his dad's and gets along with him alright, but knows not to count on his promises & as sad as it is, he knows he sometimes doesn't take priority over the bar or local party spot.
2007-01-12 16:54:57 · answer #5 · answered by missionhtg 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My suggestion would be to get her some professional help ASAP. This could potentially turn very ugly, if you say anything you will be the wicked step-mother, if her dad says anything she could run to the mother and want to stay with her. Either way if you try to intervene without a third non-involved person you and your husband will come out the losers. She is probably very mad, hurt and confused about why her mother doesn't want to spend time with her. This is a very hard thing for a 9 year old to deal with..... seek out a pro
2007-01-12 16:50:17 · answer #6 · answered by Scooter Girl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hear you, my ex is a dead beat yet I am the one that my son takes his frustruations out on and then blames it on his feelings over his father! Very frustrating for me. In the last year my son has come to realize what his dad really is like and now constantly refers to him as the "Idiot", as much as I agree with my son I don't approve of him saying that.
It's a very hard thing for a child to realize the truth about a heartless parent.... seek counsoling either through a guidance counsolor at her school or privately. See if her dad would be willing to make a "date" with her once a week for them to just go out together for a movie or dinner, or just a walk contingent on her expressing her feelings in a healthier way and trying harder at school.
2007-01-12 16:47:11 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like this child just needs some extra love. Maybe spend a little alone time with her dad would make her feel real special. Its too bad about her mom unforchantly you sd is the one who will suffer.
2007-01-12 19:57:16 · answer #8 · answered by BabyDolll128 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋