does my friend need to tell a "fling" that he is the father of her child?

Question

My girlfriend is a single mother by choice who went through IVF through a sperm bank. She also had unprotected sex around the same time. Her gorgeous daughter has some characteristics of the "fling" not the donor. She has submitted a DNA test. Her daughter is almost two and my friend has stayed in touch with the fling. If he is really the father, does she have an obligation to tell him? She does not want to be in a relationship with this man and is perfectly fine raising her daughter on her own.

p.s. we live in the Bay Area, where all of this is not so unusual.

Answer 1

I'm a single mother by choice, too, and I conceived with donor sperm. If her ex is the father of her daughter, I think she should let him know.

When a man sells his sperm to a bank, he knows children will be born that are biologically half his, but he'll never be involved with them. He made a conscious decision that he wanted to do it. A man who's in a relationship--no matter how casual it may have been--hasn't made that decision. He wasn't just a sperm donor. It would be wrong to simply assume that he doesn't want to be part of his child's life, regardless of the fact that your friend likes being a SMC. Denying him the opportunity to make that decision is just wrong, imo

Plus, your friend needs to consider her daughter. If she wasn't conceived with donor sperm, the question of "where did I come from?" just got a lot more complicated. Your friend either tells her the truth: that her father is out there, may want her but doesn't know about her, and that mom knows his name but is keeping it a secret...or she lies to her daughter about how she was conceived. That's a very unfair thing to do to another human being, and not something I'd be comfortable doing to my own child.

Answer 2

The father has every right to know and the child has every right to have a father. If she stayed in touch with the "fling" for this long he must not be a bad person so what could go so wrong. Just because she don't want/need a man doesn't mean he shouldn't know about it. What happens when the child grows up and wants to know and the guy finds out then. It will be a big mess. The sooner everything gets out the better. Good luck to your friend and I hope everything goes well.

Answer 3

I don't think she has any obligation at all. I personally would tell him because in my opinion he's got a right to know, but if she wants to raise the child alone and can provide a stable loving environment without his help, then it's her choice. But she will have to take into consideration how this choice will affect her child's life. Her child will grow up not knowing who her father is, and always wonder why he wasn't around. That could all be avoided by her just telling him the truth. She doesn't have to have a relationship with the man, just let him know his child and be there for her/him.

Answer 4

It's important to know who both of your biological parents are, I think, because of health history if nothing else. If this guy isn't stupid, he can do math and count backward 9 months from when the baby was born to when they slept together, thus putting that possibility in his mind already. I don't think she has an obligation to him necessarily, but she DOES have an obligation to her daughter. Later on, she'll need to know her risks for certain diseases, family history, etc. Even if the guy doesn't want to be an involved father, that's HIS choice to make, and his risk to take by having unprotected sex. If she doesn't want money, that's fine, but that needs to be put into writing because if he IS the father then he DOES have rights and if other people know about it, it will eventually get around to him anyway.

Answer 5

OMG! it is immediately outta a cleansing soap opera. yet seem at it like this. What are the prospect you randomly meet someone that you're already so nicely appropriate to. your little ones are brother/sister! i imagine you should only cathch up which includes her after type and tell her the way you're happy that you all met, and he or she will be a astounding human being. notwithstanding I truly have some thing to allow you to recognize. i imagine we share an same toddler father. And tell her why you imagine that. it truly is compared to you knew about her earlier so she will't be mad. I advise the guy will be a deadbeat. and per chance understanding her can one way or the different help your difficulty. I favor you each and each of the finest of success in existence, and with any success you gained't lose a pal over this yet benefit a sister.

Answer 6

I must say that I am shocked at some of the responses i'm seeing here. Just because you don't need help from the man, doesn't mean he doesn't need to know he has another life out there. Like this is his own flesh and blood. of course he should at least know she exists! Some people go their whole lives not knowing who their parents are ( myself included) and I truly think every man should know this kind of thing. Whether or not the man is in the child's life, she should at least tell him.

It's the right thing to do. Just the Idea that a woman only needs to tell the man if she wants something from him, is rediculous. Furthermore, it makes women as a whole look bad, I'm just as pro independant woman as the next girl, you don't need a man to raise the child, but you should at least say hey you got a kid in this world.

Answer 7

I don't think that she has to tell him legally, but the right thing to do would be to tell him the truth, that he might be the child's father. If he's a good guy he will want to take responsibility for the child and start being a father to her. lf she doesn't want a relationship with him she needs to tell him right away, but he has a right to know his child. He's obviously already lost 2 years of his alleged daughter's life. It would be only fair if he is the father that he can be in this child's life. If he doesn't want anything to do with the child, then your friend at least will know that she did the right thing.

Answer 8

I think she has a responsibility to tell the possible father of the child. for one thing the man may want to have a relationship with his child, another reason is that the woman's child may some day want a relationship with her father and should know if that is really him or not.

She can also collect child support from the man if he is indeed the father.

Answer 9

The father had a right to know. I assume the DNA test shows that the donor isn't the father or that she hasn't gotten the results back yet. She should wait until she gets the results though before saying anything.

Answer 10

I don't know if she would have a legal obligation as much as a moral one. If I had a child out there somewhere, regardless of whether I initially meant for it to be made or not I would would want to know. Maybe the best option would be for her to say, hey this is your kid, I don't want help and don't need you to be in her life, but I wanted to let you know in case you chose to be. Or, she can just never tell him. Some day the kid might want to know who it's biological dad is and wonder why he was never in her life. It's hard for kids, sometimes they develop abandonment issues regardless of the situation. It's kindof a hard question to answer because while I can think of a million reasons why she doesn't have to tell him I can also think of a million reasons why she may want to. I would say she should go with her heart on this one.