Is this considered poor manners?

Question

I have a group of friends who always go out to a resteraunt for their birthdays. This is how they celebrate it. However, they expect people to pay their own way at the party. And, also they expect people to pay for the birthday person. My friend are in their late twenties and early thirties. Now, my grandmother thinks this is poor manners she thinks the birthday person should pay for everyone because he or she is the host or hostess. Is what my grandma said is true? Is this considered poor manners?

Answer 1

I think your Grandma is of the mindset that the person that invites pays; which is proper etiquette.

It sounds as though you all have an agreement that you treat the birthday person and I don't think it's poor manners.

Answer 2

I think that if the friends have this arrangement beforehand and everyone understands, there is no problem with it.

The first answerer mentioned that some people think that the person who invited should pay. I generally agree with that idea too. But in this situation I'm not sure if the birthday person should be considered the inviter, since it's more of an understanding among your friends that you'll go out. And this is also supported by the fact that the birthday person doesn't pay for him/herself. In a way, it's like the friends are the inviters and the birthday person is the invitee.

Also, it seems like the friends are doing the birthday person a favor by paying for themselves instead of expecting the birthday person to pay for it. Surely your grandma could see the practicality in that.

Answer 3

As long as arrangements are known in advance, I don't see anything rude about these "parties." Doesn't sound like a formal event or even that invitations or sent or that there is a particular host or hostess. Sounds like a good evening of fun. And this is what our friends frequently do on birthdays - invite everyone to eat - and they do so with the expectation that they are paying for their own meal, but if no one else picks up the tab for the birthday boy or girl, my husband and I always do, regardless of any expectation to do so.

Answer 4

First of all, who set up the birthday party? When out for a friend's birthday the the "birthday person" should never have to pay for anything. This is supposed to be about that person and celebrating them. If I had to pay for anything on my birthday someone would be in trouble. It is bad manners to expect the person to pay for everyone else let alone herself. Now, if she is throwing the party...she should have it catered or cook and that is her responsibility as the hostess but not if she is out somewhere.

Answer 5

Traditionally a person never throws themselves a party, especially if they expect others to bear the burden of expense. I would say that the group minus the honoree would collectively be the host and would therefore be expected to pay for the celebration. The fact that this is a revolving event in which people have agreed upon the etiquette amongst themselves makes in NOT RUDE.

However, as Miss Manners would tell you, one never corrects their Grandmother, so the best you can do is smile and try not to mention this to her again. If you must mention it, try something like this:

Betty, Frieda, Joseph, John and I are taking Connie out to lunch at La Restaurant. I hope she doesn't order the 5 Martguerita meal again!!

Answer 6

If it is explicitly understood among the people attending the party at the restaurant that they are paying for themselves plus splitting the cost of the birthday person's meal, then I don't think it's bad manners.

Strict etiquette on invitations is that when you host a celebration, the host pays for the food and drinks of the guests. In a formal "party," it is not considered polite to charge the "guests" for their food and drinks. But it sounds to me as if what you and your friends do is not a formal "party" in the sense of having a host and guests-- it's a bunch of friends who meet up at an agreed-upon restaurant to be with each other and informally acknowledge someone's birthday.

Maybe that's what you need to clarify with grandma-- that the event you guys have for birthdays is not a hosted party, it's an informal get-together with everyone understanding that it is not a hosted party.

Answer 7

Since when does the birthday person buy dinner on their birthday? That is the most insane thing I've ever heard of. If your group has done this several times, everyone knows the "rules" so I do not see a problem with it. Anyone who thought this is poor manners would not continue to join the group -- very simple.

Answer 8

It seems to me that everyone else would pay for the birthday person's meal. The other way around is what sounds rude! You are there to celebrate someone's birthday. If someone asked me to go out with them and then I had to pay the tab, I would be very offended. Your grandmother comes from another generation when that may have been the case but the times have definitely changed!

Answer 9

In your grandmother's day, yes, this would be poor manners. But, if it is perfectly clear to the participants that everyone will be going dutch, as well as splitting the cost of the birthday person, I think this is ok. I would only say it was poor manners if the birthday person INVITED everyone, especially if invitations are sent, then it would be tacky. But if this is standard practice for friends and it is organized sort of "seat of the pants", fine.

Answer 10

It is perfectly right for everyone to pay their own tab, and contribute toward the tip and also the tab for the honoree. Your Grandmother is wrong. The birthday person is the GUEST. Not the host. I have attended dozens of these events in the years with my employer, and sorry, but Grandma is out-of-touch on this one.