I have recently began thinking that I might need more time. Is there a way to ease the fallout w/ both sets of families, and more importantly my fiance? We have talked about it and the conversation always results in her crying. What can I do?
2007-01-12 07:16:05 · 18 answers · asked by Mark C 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
better hurt now, than the expense of divorce.
2007-01-12 07:18:45 · answer #1 · answered by iroc 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well don't be manipulated by her crying. One thing that every woman knows and learns at a very early age, is that men HATE it when women cry. Most men will do whatever it takes to stop her crying and make it all better. We women, know that and many women will use that to their advantage and to get their way. Some do that more so than others. But that is the fact.
Now I don't know if your fiance is using it as a manipulation tool or not. It could be that she is having second thoughts that she is trying to deny or hide. She may really truly think she wants to marry you and when she has these doubts, it just tears her up inside. Crying is also a way women cope.
If one or both of you have ANY doubts or concerns, address them now. Don't worry about the fallout this will cause to the families, this is not about them, it is about you and your fiance. They can just all deal with life. If there are any doubts or issues that need to be resolved, then do it now before you get married. If you don't then chances are that you will be back on here in 5 years telling us that you are in an unhappy marriage and that now you need to know what to do There may even be children and you don't want to hurt them. Take the time now to work through any issues that are looming. However, that being said, don't keep postponing the wedding. Only do that one time, if you keep doing it, then you will never be married and it will cause heartache. Postpone once, and if you can't resolve the issues, then maybe it is time to move on. If she is not mature enough to deal with a postponement, then maybe she is not mature to get married and start a family. I know that sounds harsh, but remember we are talking about the mother of your future children.
Also take into consideration that most women have their whole wedding planned by age 12. That is just something girls do. We dream about getting married from the time we learn to walk practically. It is this great fairy tale thing to us. I don't know why, that is just how we are. so in a way, postponing it is putting off her childhood dream.
You need to tell her that if it is the right thing now, it will still be the right thing in 6 months.
Just be cautious and don't be irrattional about anything. Make sure that you are really experiencing doubts and not a simple case of pre-wedding jitters.
But If you really believe that this needs to wait, then do it. If you think this wedding is not a good idea, then call it off now. Doing it now will save a lot of heartache and problems.
2007-01-12 07:50:04 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your fiance is not feeling the way you are (about postponing the wedding), then there's probably no way of getting around her being upset. You just have to tell her you aren't ready and that you need some time to make sure you guys are doing the right thing. You aren't breaking up with her. Marriage is one of the most important things in your life, and if you're having any doubts you need to put the breaks on it. Her family might be upset, but hopefully they'll realize how difficult (and mature) it is for you to postpone things until you're really sure. Good luck!
2007-01-12 07:26:41 · answer #3 · answered by crabbyone 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Postponing the wedding is not going to be easy, but if you honestly aren't ready to do this, you're not going to do anyone in your family, her family, or even your fiancee any good by going through with it. Think about WHY you want to postpone the wedding though. It's natural to feel nervous about this step in your life, it's going to be a big change for you and your fiancee. You're the only one who can decide if what you're feeling is the natural feelings of nervousness a person feels when they're about to be married, or if you feel that it's not right (for whatever reason.) Talk to someone you know and trust about this too, and someone who knows you well--I'd recommend your dad assuming you guys have a good relationship, he can help you figure out if you really should postpone the wedding. However, be prepared if you do decide to postpone it, your fiancee may not give you the chance to go through with it when you decide you ARE ready. Be prepared to hurt her, because there's no way to do something like this without hurting her. But remember, if you're really about to make the biggest mistake of your life getting married, the hurt she'll feel now is nothing compared to the hurt she'll feel with a divorce. Best of luck, I feel for you, I really do. I hope you can make a decision that you can be at peace with.
2007-01-12 07:28:33 · answer #4 · answered by basketcase88 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
When a guy loves a woman, wants children with her, wants to spend his life with her, etc. etc. he doesn't "think he needs more time". What ever is making you stall you need to openly discuss it with her. If she's crying then perhaps you haven't explained your position properly or thoroughly. Whether you stall with her or say something about that to "her" parents, you will be marked for life with them.
The question in my mind is "who was it that said they wanted to get married, how was it said, when was it said, and did both parties make plans for that i.e. talk about children, a house, where you would live afterwards, etc.". If those things weren't discussed then you should not be pushed into a marriage you don't want. If you're stalling that surely means you don't want that marriage.
You don't need to discuss it with her family or yours because this is to be talked out with her alone. Just say you haven't thought it through, you don't know what marriage entails, you're not prepared with enough education or money yet and you wanted to make things really nice for her. After that's said and things are eased, then you can walk away if you like, but make sure she understands your reason. I know she would not be happy with a forced marriage. I hope she's not pregnant; don't get her pregnant, at least not yet. By the way, if she's a she then she's the "fiancee", you as a male are the "fiance".
2007-01-12 07:27:16 · answer #5 · answered by sophieb 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What is holding you back from the commitment that you have already made to her? I am sure by now that mostly everything has been arranged. Guests most likely would not have gotten invites, but still. The families both know about it. And to be honest, the only one who it will matter to the most will be her.
You may just be having cold feet. This happens to lots of guys and then it eases up right after the wedding. If you are only asking to push out the date by a few months then she should be fine with that (it will still hurt her though)- but if you are just trying to get out of it- then you really need to let her know now.
2007-01-12 08:42:38 · answer #6 · answered by glorymomof3 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are on "decent" terms with your fiance's parents, I would speak "privately" to her father first. Tell him how you feel, tell him that you can't seem to get his daughter to understand. that "you love her", but "your, not ready for the commitment,just yet". Your both still young, and you want your "marriage" to be for "life", and your just too young for a final step. The finance's parents foot most of the bill for the wedding, so you should speak to them NOW and end the agony and get it over with. Many a men and even some women, have left it too late, and marry out of obligation, all the wrong reasons - don't ruin your life - Marriage is Forever, and especially in this world. Good Luck.
2007-01-12 07:28:21 · answer #7 · answered by peaches 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You just have to do it! Tell your fiance you want to postpone it...and stick to it whether she cries or not. And tell your family...there shouldn't be much of a 'fallout'...if you postpone it, that is very respectable. Rather than going thru with the wedding anyways. So just postpone it and go from there. Don't worry about other peoples reactions.
2007-01-12 07:22:14 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
At least your being honest. Do NOT get married until your ready and I mean this even if you decide this the day of the wedding. It is a huge commitment and postponing is best if your not ready. The families AND the fiance are going to have to deal because its best to not do it when your not ready than to do it knowing your not ready. Sit her down and just tell her. G'luck!
2007-01-12 07:20:15 · answer #9 · answered by Mean Carleen 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a huge committment (for both families) so if you are not ready--- wait. Make arrangements with the hall for a new date, then send out postponement announcements to all who were invited with a "save the date" for the new date. Unless you think you may want to bail out completely, then only send the postponement notice with further details to come, etc.
2007-01-12 07:20:34 · answer #10 · answered by inaru816 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Let's face the truth...
If you aren't ready now - it is unlikely that a few months - or even years -will make a difference. Truely - what is going to happen to make you "more" ready? And you will be wasting her time in a relationship that is likely going to end anyway.
Don't call it a postponement - call it what it will be - calling it off.
This is likely going to be a deal breaker for her.
But... it is better to do it now rather than later. She will cry, her parents will be mad (and perhaps yours too). All of this drama won't be easily forgiven - so she will likely not stay with you. And you ought not to stay with her. Let her find someone that will be ready to marry.
I've seen this before. It is likely that it isn't your not ready to marry...but you're not ready to marry her.
Good Luck
2007-01-12 07:41:09 · answer #11 · answered by apbanpos 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋