How do I deal with my son?

Question

He was suspended from school, again.This time he was mad and yelled in class that he was going to kill the MF that stole his pencil. This is the last chance school. He is 17 and will be 18 on 3 months. He is already grounded till Jan 20th for being late. Grounded means no computer, tv, phone, company, leaving, electronic games. What more can I do to help him see he HAS to grow up and behave? The only thing I can think of is to give him kitchen duty, cooking,and cleaning, till he is no longer suspended. He HATES kitchen duty. Please help with any ideas. He does admit what he did was wrong but he can't seem to stop himself!

We have talked to him and we do know that he has a real "I don't care" attitude. Those are his words. He knows he has no hope of graduating. A GED would be his best bet. He has been through anger management class. That was no help. He is ADD BUT he is on medication. I asked him why he did it and he says cause I was mad. I explained, again, that that is not a good enough reason to use that language or make threats. He don't care. My thought in punishment is to make him hate it so bad he will not make the same mistake again. He says he won't but than he does it again. He literally gets suspended like once a month from school. There are no more school choices for him. What he wants is to be left alone, given free run of the house, stay up all night, and sleep all day.

Answer 1

He needs to see a psychiatrist. Please do it soon. He needs help and what you are doing obviously isn't working. Maybe he has learning disabilities that is fueling his anger. Maybe he is bipolar. Maybe he has problems with depression. I think at this point punishing him isn't worth it, you need to find the root of the problem. I'm sure he knows what he is doing is wrong...hope this helps.

Reading the second blurb, It really sounds like bipolar. My Nephew has problems with this too and I think you have to try as hard as possible to help him before he turns 18!! Then it is very difficult to help him because I don't think you can make him get help? Can you locate a Dr. that specializes in ADD or BiPolar? A lot of times you can find a good newsgroup that can steer you toward a great dr. or ideas. I know there is a website for BiPolar disorder and depression. Don't give up!! I really don't think punishment is going to help at this point. I think he needs help! Aren't there any resources at the h.s? Have you contacted the local hospital for ideas?

Answer 2

Does he sometimes seem to have ADHD but doesn't seem to have it all the time? He is old enough that he should be able to stop himself but he just doesn't seem to have any impulse control right? Kitchen duty isn't a bad idea but I would include making him write you essays in his punishment. Ask him to write you a whole page or two on how his behavior made the teacher and the other students feel and another on what could happen if he says things like that, what will people think of him and what could they do to him. As tempting as it is to come down harder, he will only get angry and be even more self-destructive. Approach him with the respect you would give him if he were a doctor or something. No one wants to disappoint those who respect them and if he feels respected he is more receptive to help, and to making positive changes.
I would take him to his doctor and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. Bipolar disorder and some other types of depression can actually look like ADHD or anger management in young people and these behaviors cause real problems that can have a dramatic effect on his life forever. When I met my husband, he told me he had ADD but was taking Adderall and it was better. He then proceeded to do all sorts of weird things over the next few years (including messing up his credit and getting into trouble and getting fired) until I dragged him to the doc. He has bi-polar disorder and with the right treatment is now a really great husband and friend.
Your son is becoming a man, ready or not, and you need to do what you can to get him to understand this but he is, after all, a man and as much as we don't want our kids to suffer or face hardship, life will surely teach him what you weren't able to.
Best wishes

Answer 3

Has he seen a psychologist? They can be very helpful at giving him an outlet to speak what is on his mind and to help him cope and manage his emotions. My son went to a counselor and it really helped him. He still has an anger problem but now he has better skills to manage it.

Good luck and I understand your frustration. However, I don't think giving him more chores to do is going to get to the root of the problem, although I think it's great at keeping him busy and there's nothing wrong with that. Still, there could be other things troubling him that are preventing him to be the best that he can be.

Has he been tested for ADD or ODD? I have Attention Deficit myself, so I've done a lot of research. Sometimes people with ADD or ADHD don't think before reacting and thus, say the most inappropriate thing -- even when it's not entirely what they mean. They then feel guilty and sorry for saying such outlandish things.

Edit: I just read your additional details and think that maybe you should take more drastic measures. Would you consider some type of boot camp or even a military school? My friend's son went to military school as a last chance thing, which I thought was really strange at the time. However, it turned him around one hundred percent and she said it was the best thing she could have done for him. He's went on to college, when before it wouldn't even have been an option.

I think those are extremely expensive. However, your son is so worth it and there is something more going on in his brain than he is able to tell you or that he even knows. Deep down I think he is crying out for some kind of help.

I really feel for you because I understand. My son had so many problems the first few years of his schooling. The principal was calling me two to three times a week and it made me just so sick. However, therapy has really helped my son and he's doing a lot better now. He still sometimes blurts out weird stuff but he controls himself so much more now.

Answer 4

Has he had any counselling? Do you mean what you say and say what you mean or do you give in when you don't want to deal with it?

We are supposed to have freedom of speech in the USA and while the child probably didn't truly mean what he said, the statement was no doubt perceived as a threat under our zero tolerance rules. The best thing I can recommend is that you
have him write down what he does wrong and then work with him to help him develop proper reactions and responses to those actions. For example: Have him write down the statement he made about the pencil. Then have him write how he would have responded to someone else if they had made the same statement or accused him or stealing his pencil. Then ask him to write what kind of response he would deem an appropriate response based first on his feelings and second on his fact grounded argument.

Additionally, you might send him to the States Attorney's office and have them tell him what kinds of things are crimes and what the punishments are. Then give him alternative actions he could take that might solve the problem through the proper and legal channels. Oh, and for every decision, there is a consequence. So have him write the pros and cons of every action he wants or thinks he should take and teach him to choose the one with the best consequences. Hope this helps.

Answer 5

Sit down with him and have an "adult" conversation. Let him know that in 3 months he is going to be an adult and therefore has to start acting like one.
Talk about what his path in life will be. What does he want to do? What is his plan after h.s.? Let him know that if he wants any life whatsoever, that he's got to get his act together.
Guide him towards setting some career goals that will motivate him and keep him focused. Inform him, that unless he graduates high school, he will never be successful and never achieve these goals. These days its hard enough to get by without a college degree, much less a high school diploma.
If he doesn't have a clue as to what he wants to do, suggest the military. He will get much needed discipline, and in a couple years, when he's figured out what he wants, he will have some options.

At this age grounding him is not going to change anything. If the career discussion does not go over well, try involving a counselor or academic advisor.

Answer 6

Grounding your son or prescribing kitchen duty isn't going to work. Your son is almost 18 and has major anger issues. The best thing that you can do for your son is get him some therapy. You need to do this NOW. He needs to learn positive ways to deal with his anger and if he doesn't he will end up hurting someone. I know it's hard to admit the extent of his problem, but you need to get real about it. He wouldn't be in a last chance school if he didn't have history of unacceptable behavior. You can't ignore it anymore, get your son some help. Please keep in mind that I am not criticizing you as a parent, I just think you need to get more aggressive for everyone's sake. Good luck!

Answer 7

Being a parent to a teenager now a days is hard, but talk to him, let him know all the things he is doing bad and reassure him you love him always, even when he does bad things and gets you mad. Apologize to him if you have ever called him something bad. Have a heart to heart talk with him. I am sure that might not be the only solution, but also think about the idea of military school, before he turns 18. Also look for a family counselor, that will help too. I know it's hard, I have a teenager, I have one too and he drives me insane sometimes and I feel I am being tough on him but every night I talk to him about why I reacted the way I did when he did something.
Remember : All kids need to be disciplined with one hand and loved with the other
Good Luck

Answer 8

Wow, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. The teen years can be very difficult - it sounds like your son may be having a harder time than most. I recommend taking him to a therapist. If you don't have good insurance, see if the school can help. He needs some coping skills.

I recently read that the frontal lobe of the brain is not full developed until around age 25. The frontal lobe is what moderates impulse control - like your son not "being able to stop himself". I'm not sure what this means in terms of parenting, but it may relieve him to know that it is at least partially a physical issue.

That being said, his reactions seem to be on the extreme end of adolescent behavior. I'm not sure if it is just hormones and brain development that are contributing to such extreme anger. I think he should be evaluated and helped by a professional. Good luck and hang in there!

Remember, this, too, shall pass.

Answer 9

Taking things away , and grounding has neer been a successful means of changing a child's behavior. We don't want to hurt our kids, just make them understand there are consequences for our actions.

That said, what you should be doing is Talking away, not Taking away.

How much time do you spend talking to your son? Not yelling but discussing? His reasons for the behaiours? Is he having trouble in class? Is he having a hard time relating to others? Is there something bothering him?

Do you talk about his hopes, dreams, what makes him happy in life? Where does he see himself after high school and what are you both doing to see that he achieves those aspirations? It's up to you as the parent , not him as the child to set up " Life skills" for him to use in these situations and in the following adult life that is soon approaching.

Really talk to your son, like an equal but a parent.. you can catch more flys with honey than vinegar....

good luck!
K

Answer 10

Parenting is always a very hard job. What works with one don't do a thing for another. When I was a teen, I had a very hot (Red Hot) temper. One of the reasons was because My parents were violent and abusive. I got interested in psychology and I learned that emotion are a personal decision we all make. After that I started making better decisions. My anger was much slower after that. We are all different though.