I need help with Future MIL! Please!?

Question

To put things shortly, to her, I am unworthy. Unworthy of her respect or toleration. She doesn't support the wedding and I don't want to invite her. But she is my Fiance's mother, and I know I could never get married without my mom being there! (of course my mom LOVES my fiance and is actually paying for EVERYTHING) My big concern is what she will wear. We all just went to a friends wedding and she showed up in ratty sweatpants and a sweatshirt. This will not fly at our formal wedding, and I do not want this in our pictures. I have tried to tell my fiance to talk to her, but he grew up the only boy with no communication skills. They don't talk aout feelings PERIOD in that home. I have tried to be nice. I asked him just to find out her size and I would search the internet for her, nice elegant pant suits. (She grew up country and she's probably about a size 32) I don't know what else I can do other than help look for her. Left up to her she would come in those sweatpants. What can I do?

Thanks for everyone's input. I have tried talking to her about how I feel and she turns and walks away. No one will say anything to her because she is recovering from breast cancer and its just "so sad". Yes I feel bad for her but she has been this way from the beginning. Which by the way we have been together for almost 7 years. The real issue is the pictures. I can ignore her for as long as I have to. The rest of the family loves me. But I don't have the heart to tell my Fiance she can't be in pictures. Of course his side of the family has contributed 0% to our wedding and my mom is paying for their portions as well as her own (and she's a single mother). It just sucks that this has to happen, and that she can't even respect her son enough to not want to show up in something even half way nice.

Answer 1

I think your feelings are valid, but at the outset I have to say no matter what, do not bar her from the wedding. This is just one day in what will hopefully be a long marriage. If you start out my declaring war with your fiance's mother, you are only sowing the seeds of future unhappiness. Your fiance will not like being in the middle no matter how much he loves you. Keep things in perspective.

If she wants to be in pictures, let her ruin a few and give her the copies. MIL's aren't traditionally in all the pictures. You can take plenty with your mother alone. Talk to the photog ahead of time so he has a plan to have her in as few photos as possible. Make sure to get lots of candids -- distribute disposable cameras on the tables and develop them afterwards. My favorite wedding pictures come from these, not the formal portraits.

That doesn't mean you can't try to improve her wardrobe choices. I'd stay out of the direct line of fire. You say the rest of his family loves you -- enlist their help with all the suggestions here for diplomatically suggesting appropriate wardrobe. Your fiance especially, if you expect him to be a contributing partner in your marriage. They should start subtle, then if that doesn't work, be direct. This isn't talking about feelings in a touchy-feely way, this is asking her for a favor for her son's wedding day. Surely his family can at least do that.

You shouldn't be involved in these communications. She resents you, for whatever reason, and anything you say will be taken as criticism and increase her resentment and possibly lead to an intentional act of sabotauge.

With that in mind, however, it may not be ALL about you. If she's large and has had a recent illness, surgery, radiation, chemo, any of those things can lead to depression. She may not like anyone, including herself, right now. At the very least, she is certainly uncomfortable and may not want binding clothes. Even if it's not optimal formal wear, either a dressy sweat outfit or a long tent dress should be acceptable for someone with a recent serious illness. Can you compromise on that?

If it doesn't work, don't stress it. She is who she is and her appearance won't be held against you. It only reflects on her. Even though when you're planning a wedding, you feel like you have to be in control of everything (I've been there, I know), take a deep breath and let it go. No one expects you to orchestrate everything like the director of a play. There's so much else that sounds good about your wedding -- don't let her win by ruining it in your mind. You are in charge of that.

Answer 2

The wedding is only the beginning. This woman is going to be in your life for the rest of your life. I would recommend you start building a relationship. Be the better person and just talk to her. You love her son, there's common ground to start. She may no know etiquette regarding weddings or if she is a size 32 she could be self conscious. Include her in the wedding plans and help her to learn what is appropriate. Make what she is wearing a fun conversation! "I saw this dress that would be perfect for you!" or something along those lines. I would start by inviting her to lunch. Make the effort, if she doesn't reciprocate than it is a different situation. If your fiance isn't willing to get involved at that point, you need to reevaluate how things are going to be the rest of your life. She's only human, give her a chance. She may be thinking the same thing about you, so someone needs to take the first step.

Answer 3

So, here's what I'd do...

Go to her house...look in her closet, and find her sizes. Buy the outfit, and then say, "If you can't have enough respect for your own son to wear this to his wedding, then you're not someone we care to invite."

My daughter is going thru some similar issues with her future MIL...Sadly, there was some actual physical violence involved, so it's a bit more serious. We're worried about what she might wear, because when they were all recently on a cruise, the MIL wore her 25-year old wedding dress to formal night! At this point in time, she is not being invited to the wedding, because of these issues. My future SIL is working to address the problems, but doesn't want his wedding day screwed up by his "loving mother", so he's comfortable not inviting her, if she can't get her act together.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this, and I hope it works out for you.

FYI, "growing up country" has little to do with someone's size...There's plenty of us country chicks who aren't so big. :)

Answer 4

sounds like your MIL has a lot of issues going on. especially when it comes to communcation. you can't expect to have open and honest communication with her if she doesn't even have that with her son. that's something he has to work on with her. she might be depressed, have a bad-self image, etc. being very overweight and having major health conditions does not make people happy.

not letting her come to the wedding or be in the pictures is the worst thing you can do. you are going to have to put up with this woman for the rest of your marriage, and pushing her away at the start will only cause a lifetime of problems. at some point, you just have to give in and make a big compromise. maybe at her size she's just not comfortable in pantsuits and panty hose and dress shoes.

so do this: if she's so adamant about wearing sweat pants, buy her a fancy sweat suit. or have it custom made. get it all decked out in rhinestones, feminine floral decals, whatever. if she's gonna wear sweats, they're gonna be FORMAL sweats! same thing with her shoes. if she's gonna wear gym shoes, they're gonna be fancy , PRETTY gym shoes!

Answer 5

MIL's can be a real hoot, and yours sounds like the queen of them. I'm sorry she treats you that way.

I wouldn't go shopping for her dress, though-I think that would be just about the worst thing you could do.

If there's a chance of having a friendly moment with her, perhaps you could lightly bring up what your mom is wearing and ask her if she's decided what she'll be wearing.

If you can't talk to her at all, I'm afraid you have no recourse but to turn a blind eye. Maybe you could say something to the photogrpher about trying to put her in the best light possible?

Answer 6

If she wants to look like a complete hag at your formal wedding, the only person who should be embarrassed about it is her for not caring enough about herself or her son! I understand that you wouldn't want her to wear something you wouldn't agree with. I wouldn't want that either! Try talking to her again and if she tries to walk away the next time, grab her by the arm, turn her around, and tell her not to come to the wedding. I know it sounds harsh, but from what I just read, the only way to get through to this woman is for her to miss her son's wedding. She should respect you because you two will have to deal with each other for the rest of your lives. You don't want to have to leave your honey because of his mother. Deal with it now!
P.S. your future hubby should also respect you enough to talk to her about it.

Answer 7

Can you live with this the rest of your life? If you can't get out now. You are just going to have to accept her as she is. Let her be in the pictures--what she's wearing is not a reflection on you! She may be a little unbalanced. I would really really plead the case that you two get pre-marital counseling. A man raised in a household such as that is going to have continual issues with a strong willed woman such as yourself unless you are both very open about it. The wedding is just one day. If you're so worried go elope. Very few of us are considered worthy by our MIL. Make sure she knows you worship the ground he walks on too, it's a basis for some type of relationship atleast.

Answer 8

First you need to tell you fiance to help you and the both of you sit down and talk to her. If he can't tell her then at least he can be there to back you up. Maybe print out some pictures of things you think would look nice on her and just ask her opinion. Maybe say that the two of you wanted to get her a gift for the special occasion. Good luck.

Answer 9

Sweatpants at a wedding???!! You poor thing! Maybe your mom would be willing to go to bat for you. Maybe invite this unpleasant lady out for lunch and dress shopping. Since she doesn't like you all that much, perhaps one of his relatives that gets along with her could show her some appropriate dresses/pantsuits under the guise of "I found this and thought you would look spectacular in this for the wedding!" If she's hell bent on looking like a homeless person at your wedding, there probably isn't much you can do. It isn;t going to reflect badly on you at all. She will be the one who looks foolish, and it will be forever immortalized in pictures.

Answer 10

you will need to talk with her, if your future dh will not. I would suggest her getting together with her son to go shopping for mother of the groom outfits. Take him out the weekend before and pick out some outfits types that you are happy with, and when he goes with his mom, he can point out ones that fit your taste and flows with the wedding. Like it or not the Mom comes as part of the package, and if you do not find a way to compromise, it will always be a sore spot between you and dh. You need to make him understand that without pressuring him too much or else he will withdraw completely.