What can I do to make it easier. We've been married 8 years, and I've always been supportive of his job. (when we were married, he was a sheriff's deputy, then undersheriff, now he's on a Drug Task Force. I love him, and he loves me, but I feel like a single mom a lot of the time and feel cheated out of a REAL marriage.
2007-01-12 05:12:02 · 19 answers · asked by elfkin, attention whore 4 in Politics & Government ➔ Law Enforcement & Police
As a former sheriff's deputy, I undertstand both sides of this. I guess I am fortunate that my 2nd wife was more supportive of my job than my 1st wife. At least like you, she understood that sometimes it just ins't an 8 to 5 lifestyle. Have you thought about working? If you are working now, do you like your job? If you love your job, stay with it. Thats what your husband does. Its a funny job because he doesn't have co-workers.. he has partners and brothers. There is a closeness that he will never find in another job.
Your feelings are not unusual. You may try meeting with some of the wives of your husbands co-workers. Maybe plan on getting together every week... go to dinner with them.
Your husband does a very important job. While it can be dangerous, it is extremely important. I can appreciate your feelings as well. There are times when he just isn't there often enough. You can try talking to him and letting know how you feel, but you'll have to do it in a way that it won't sound like you are complaining or asking him to do something different.
Good luck... he is lucky to have you.
2007-01-12 05:34:08 · answer #1 · answered by David L 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Mine's lasted 22 years. Been on the job 22 years. I'd have to say being a narc was the hardest point because you'd leave the house at 7AM and never get home until 2 or 3 AM many times.
Remember that you were well aware of what he did for a living before you married (I assume that anyway). Once he gets out from the narc business and gets reassigned to patrol life becomes abit more normal. Being a detective was tough but not as bad as a narc. I just hated those 2AM homicide call-ins. Which always seemed to happen on a Saturday night and you wouldn't make it back home again until Monday afternoon.
Despite the fact he's working did you think that he may feel the same way? This job he's doing now is the most dangerous field to be playing around in. Every drug dealer I knew always packed heat so bear this burden alittle longer and pray every night. Never let him or you leave the house mad with one another.
I still have you beat in my marriage by ages. Mine lasted and there were some bumpy roads believe you me. However she and I survived and so can you. You'll have plenty of time to play catch up later.
2007-01-12 05:28:10 · answer #2 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's because it's not a 9 o 5 job. Even "real" marriages have their problems. Would you rather have no problems? You should have stayed single. When you are in LE you are married to it just the same as you are married to your family. You can't turn it on or off with a time-clock like most peoples career's. Some spouses are jealous of an LE career in that the spouse always thinks the career comes first, it dosen't though. The best you and your husband can hope for is a balance between home life and his career. It sounds like you both need some time alone though, go out on a date with each other, no kids, no friends, no pagers or cell phones. Rent a Hotel and make it an all-nighter! Good luck to you!
2007-01-12 05:25:13 · answer #3 · answered by SGT. D 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It is kind of sad, but the life of law enforcement can definitely make things tough at home for your family. He is doing a job to protect the community and make the world safer for you and his children, but knowing this does not make it any easier for you when you are home alone.
Let him know how you feel, but also let him know you support what he does, enough people hate cops as it is already. If the love is really there, the 2 of you will be able to reach some kind of middle ground. Police work is very important especially the Drug Task Force, but family is the most important and he will do what he can to make sure his family doesn't get left out.
2007-01-12 05:18:56 · answer #4 · answered by answerman 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I have a simple and easy answer for you. Its the same reason some feel its hard to stay married to military personal. The higher in rank you get the more you are taught to take control of a situation. Your trained that there is different levels of ranking and the chain of command goes up not down. You are used to giving not taking. There is not much in the way of just anyone telling a cop what to do. There is for the most part 100% complience.
Imagine you go to work and your word is law. There is no switch to turn it off. You are in total control at work and come home and then its 50/50. Its hard to turn off if you have been trained that way.
2007-01-12 20:33:25 · answer #5 · answered by Jeff P 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't worry about how (you think) other people's marrages are. Just make yours the best you can. Even though it is tough for you, it is tough for him too. Make the best of what time you have together and make your marraige the best it can be, but don't worry about what other couples do--if you really knew all about each other, they'd probably be jealous of you in one way or another too. A lot of 'real' marriages don't live up to expectations anyway. If it starts to really drive you apart you could encourage him to change jobs--but it sounds like he is really into his career, so it would probably be best to keep supporting him as you have been. It sounds like you need to get a better attitude/outlook more than anything else. Happiness often has less to do with the things making you happy than it does with how happy you let things make you.
2007-01-12 05:21:14 · answer #6 · answered by wayfaroutthere 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You'll have to take the initiative. I know - you already feel like you're doing all the work, but just hang in there. Plan outings for just the 2 of you and some with the kids. If you live in a small town try to make them out of town so that he doesn't get recognized while your out by some one he may be investigating. Nothing worse than getting recognized by a drug dealer. It will make him uncomfortable and jeopardize you family's safety. If he will let you try to be involved in the department. Most have auxiliaries for wives that do community work. Also, if he has a bud in the department, make friends with him and his wife so you have some one to share things with, it'll be easier for him to relax around some one he knows understand how tough his job is.
2007-01-12 05:30:20 · answer #7 · answered by yvonne 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Talk and listen to him. While many people who answered you question referred to sex as the answer, your question did not allude to that being a problem. I would suggest a support group of L.E.O.s (Law Enforcement Officers) wives. One may already exist in the department, or time permitting, you can start one.
I'm sure being a LEO's wife brings you some form of isolation from other wives, and friends. Seek out women like you, talk, vent, cry, but help each other. The below "hidden partners website should be helpful in that regard.
Best wishes.
2007-01-12 06:38:18 · answer #8 · answered by Yankees Fan 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its tough, and anyone in law enforcement is doing a dangerous job, and many times a thankless job and then theres shift work, overtime, having to go to court, seeing things you wish you never saw, trying to keep work seperated from personal life, and of course worried about "not" coming home. There are so many factors and I give all spouses of law enforment officer's a very big thanks for hanging in there, and being supportive and loving. My ex, left me, so now its just me and my two daughters (single father with sole custody), and I always do the best I can to come home to them.
2007-01-12 05:30:26 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are in a very tough position.
More than likely, the extact traits that make him a good cop are the things that attract you to him.
Cops have great jobs for their personalities, but no one can bare the stress that they go through without some damage to their psyche.
I don't know what to tell you to do to make it better, other than to continue to love him, communicate your needs, and understand his responses to the best of your ability. Communication is the key...but be willing to accept whatever he offers in return, even if it is less than optimal in your eyes...crawl, then walk, then run.
My best wishes for you.
2007-01-12 05:19:16 · answer #10 · answered by Gotta Question 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋