Hello, I am getting married this year and was wondering who makes the decisions about various wedding aspects. I know that as a bride I need to be involved, however my mum will hear or see things that she thinks would be great and pushes for them. How much do I compromose on? For example, she doesn't want a mud cake as she doesn't like them but the cakes she likes, my fiance and I don't like. I want her to feel involved and don't want to be selfish - I was wondering how much people involve their families in decisions as if my whole family has to like something the wedding will never be planned....
2007-01-11 23:00:20 · 16 answers · asked by milljanni 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Sorry for any confusion. The cake was just written as an example and not the main issue. Mum has her own strong ideas about how she wants the cake, my hair, veils, invites, guest gifts etc..I am trying to figure out when to give her what she would like and when to say no and make decisions on what I like as we have quite different tastes in alot of things.
Thanks
2007-01-11 23:34:01 · update #1
As long as you and your finance are paying for all the costs associated with the wedding, the final decisions are yours. Of course, most mothers love to be involved and will offer all sorts of opinions. My advice is to listen to every suggestion and find one or two things that you are willing to compromise on to make your mother happy. I compromised to wear a crinoline underneath my dress which my mother adored. She really like puffy fru-fru dresses. While I didn't go for the fru-fru, I did compromise on the puffy crinoline. :-) She also insisted on us getting married at our church, but we decided for historic estate with a more intimate atmosphere. Once she saw the pictures of the location, she feel in love with it. We made sure we had a traditional christian ceremony at the estate even though we chose not to marry in the church and she was very pleased with that. We were also very fortunate that my parents decided to offer to help out when my finace got laid off after we started planning. They didn't care how we spent it. They just wanted to help out. And when our families wanted to add people to the guest list we simply told both sides we'd be happy to accommodate up to 10 additional guests if they were willing to contribute cost for their meals.
If others are providing their financial assistance, they may want to have an opinion. In this situation, you definately should listen to them, but the decisions should finally come down to the two of you. Of course, you should also be willing to compromise a little bit more on some things since they are offering to help you out. I personally think that family and friends who decide to assist financially should do so out of the kindness of their hearts and let the couple see fit how to spend the money. Unfortunately, that doesn't always happen, so be prepared to have others involved if they are assisting in paying for things.
2007-01-12 08:03:15 · answer #1 · answered by Veronica W 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
For some reason those that hold the purse strings feel they hold the right to make the decisions. We need to teach a class called, Giving 101; when you give a gift, that is exactly what it should be, no strings attached.
Now mothers are a whole 'nuther story, whether they're giving money or not. Mother is excited and has probably dreamed of how her little girl's wedding would one day be. So try to understand.
Decide what is REALLY important to YOU & you FIANCE`, and work from there. You need a cake; choose what you want but let mom choose the sheet cakes you will be using (it's cheaper this way). If you want to walk the aisle to a particular song, stand firm. But if you don't care what pre-wedding music is played, let her choose it. You will need to give Mom specific jobs to do.
Tell her you appreciate her involvement in your wedding, but that before she buys anything YOU have the FINAL decision. It may be hard to say, but it needs to be said. Otherwise you will be very upset & disappointed come Wedding Day.
2007-01-12 02:50:51 · answer #2 · answered by weddrev 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, Congrats!! As you are the bride, then you make the decisions. Take into consideration what your mum has to say, but final say so comes from you and you husband to be. If you like a cake and she doesn't, to bad it's your day and your wedding. I loved my mum helping me in certain things, because I would have never thought of them on my own, but she in no way pushed what she liked on me, nor did I let her push me. If you want to make her feel invloved give her little things to do. Have her help set up the seating arrangement, come up with invitation mailing lists, help with the bachlorette party, ect. Getting ready for your big day will be stressful enough, and things should be to the couples liking. Set your boundries early, let her know she is still involved, and enjoy this wonderful event. Good luck.
2007-01-11 23:15:57 · answer #3 · answered by dipydoda 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would say that the bride and groom make the major decisions, and others like the maid of honor, mothers and such can come with their suggestions.
If it's a case of where the parents pays a lot of the wedding, one might have to be more open to their suggestions, but not let them run over you.
Like find a fine line..
You want one sort of cake, she wants another. You have the one you like, and have a smaller one made of the one she wants.
Try to find compromises where you can, but put your foot down if she tries to make things the way neither of you want it.
After all it's you and your fiances wedding, not your mothers!
2007-01-12 01:00:58 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, you are putting it a lot nicer than I have been about how much my mom has wanted to dictate things. Its really up to you....if something is important to you that it be done that way, dont give in, but I learned pretty quickly that if it doesn't make a difference to me, then let her do it. For instance, I was adament about having black polka dots on my cake-highly important to me...my mom hates the idea, but I didn't back down on it, and my cake will have black polka dots on it. However, on napkin color, mom had a certain way she wanted it, and I had a nother idea, but as I didn't really care as it was just the napkins, so got her color....long story short, learn to judge each thing you want and put it in perspective. If you really just can't imagine your cake another way that what you have in mind, don't let it go....same for everything else thats mega important, how you wear your hair, what dress, all the big stuff...she had a chance to have her wedding the way she wanted, and now its your turn....you only get to have a day like this once (hopefully!) And it should be about what you and your fiance want for they day...its about you and your wedding should reflect that! Your not being selfish, this is the one time in your life when the world should practically revolve around you...Good luck and I hope things look up for ya!
2007-01-12 02:46:39 · answer #5 · answered by ASH 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In my opinion, it's your wedding, so you and your fiance should make decisions... not your mom. It's that simple, and she should respect it. She is being selfish by wanting something (like the cake) that you and your fiance don't like. It's always hard, but be firm and stick to what you want, but be nice about it of course. One way around it is when you have a decision to make, go up to her and say "fiance and I were thinking about A and B, and we can't decide between the 2, what do you think?" That way she is still involved and feels like you value her opinion, but you are getting something you like. Good luck, this is a tough one!
2007-01-12 00:07:49 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, for starters, this is you and your fiancee's wedding! I ran into that problem with my in-laws and my father! I told them I appreciate their suggestions, but my fiancee and I will make the final decisions. But, like for the reception, the groom's parents are supposed to pay for the bar tab and the rehersal dinner. The bride's parents are supposed to pay for everything else! Our families were totally involved, but we had to tell them all, except for my mother, to take a step back! This is supposed to be a great time for you and your soon to be significant other!
2007-01-12 00:59:36 · answer #7 · answered by jacksonblonde 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My first question is: Who is footing the bill? Everyone chipping in? Just your folks paying for it all? If your folks are footing the bill, let me have the cake she wants and go without a mud cake. You can always make a mud cake for your hubby another day in the future, like on your first month anniversary. Isn't there a second choice cake you'd like to have? Like chocolate and vanilla with white frosting, traditional I know, but...more people will like that over a mud cake in my opinion. Sorry, but I think it's time to grow up a little...aren't mud cakes for kid's birthday parties?
Anyway, if you're footing the bill....go right ahead with your mud cake and listen to your mum's ideas and thoughts, but you can decide what's best for you and your fiance.
If your folks are footing the bill....again listen to your mum's thoughts and ideas, tell her yours and make some compromises. She wins some, you win some.
Well, that's my two cents...
Wish you the best!
2007-01-11 23:14:24 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
It all depends on who is paying for the wedding. If you are talking all of the financial burden, then your mom shouldn't get much of a final say. She is welcome to provide her opinion but you and your fiance should get the final say in all the decisions.
If your parents are paying for the wedding then if they feel strongly about something then you guys should reach some kind of a comprimise.
2007-01-11 23:36:45 · answer #9 · answered by bluechick 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Be honest with her, tell her that you appreciate her suggestions. As for the cake, even though that was just an example--why not have a "grooms" cake that is the mud cake and a regular one...there may be chocolate allergies among your guests that can't eat the mud cake. all decisions rest on you and your guy. Politely make sure your mom remembers that.
2007-01-12 01:09:32 · answer #10 · answered by Kitikat 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋