How can I get my husband to show me more affection, I'm beginning to feel quite depressed.?

Question

We've been married 6 years, and he's got progressively less loving towards me.
We do have sex (approx once a week) but I don't feel as if he really cares as he doesn't show it. He also gets defensive if I try and talk to him and it usually starts a row. I don't know where to go from here as I'm worried my marriage won't work if I continue to feel like this. We have 2 children as well and this means much of our time is taken up with them.

I just want to point out a few other things.. I am happy with once a week sex, I guess..! I do try and look attractive when he comes home and I am slim and pretty for my age (32). He has a physical job and is very tired each evening, but seems to have his time mapped out with no space left for me.
I don't get enough support/hugs..that is the problem!! The children do go to be early and they are good. I don't resent them.
I know I am lucky to have this marriage as I understand some people have it worse than me, but I feel as if I deserve more. Why should I settle for less? I don't want to be unfaithful and I do love him, but this is a ddefinite problem area for me. He's never been really affectionate, but I at least used to get some kisses and cuddles! I do get cuddled when we're sleeping..that's the only time though.

Hello to all have posted with advice.
I have found your comments have given me food for thought.
I have tried to be more proactive in the last few days, and I think maybe things could be getting better.
I'd like to point out though, that it's the lack of affection, not speifically sex which is my problem. I get no cuddles/kisses etc whatsoever.. is this right?
Thanks again for all your help everyone x

Answer 1

he may be depressed....is his work life ok?? there could be any number of reasons that he is acting like this, and it may not be you. try again to talk to him, tell him how upset you're feeling, and if that doesnt work, maybe a trial seperation might work
good luck

Answer 2

Someone once suggested to me that we have to give out what we'd like returned, and although its is a very slow process there is something to be gained. If you start to make time for one another that would be a start - maybe one evening a week, just for the two of you - go to the cinema or the folk club or the local - get fish and chips, have fun, start to remember why you got married. Be demonstrative to him , make him a nice packed lunch maybe, or suggest that you take the children somewhere for the afternoon so he can watch the football, anything like that that shows you're thinking of him, try not to be confrontational - he may be exhausted and have nothing to look forward to in his life, may be you don't either. Perhaps you could agree to both do an evening class so he spends time with the children while you're out 'developing yourself' on one night then you spend time with them while he's out 'developing himself' on another night. We all forget how much effort we put in at the start of a relationship and like anything worthwhile it requires a little effort to keep if fresh. I am suggesting that its you who needs to put the effort in, simply because he will not want to be told what to do (hes a man after all they don't usually respond very well to that) and everyone (like children) really learns best by example.
Get excited! tell him you've had a long think and you'd like to try changing a few things for the benefit of the whole family. Your enthusiasm will be contagious (I hope) don't phrase it in a way that lets him say 'no'. (I've booked a babysitter to come every Wednesday for a while and I've picked up these brochures from the local adult education authority (library will have access to those) pick your course) Money should not be an issue - your marriage is more important than purchases.
As far as the sex is concerned, he may be tired or uninspired, take him by surprise perhaps.
Turn off the telly when the children have gone to bed, maybe rent a good DVD, but don't blob in front of Eastenders depressing drivel or that might be the thing thats 'given out that gets returned'.
Good luck and have fun reinventing yourself and your marriage.

Answer 3

Do you think telling people about how many times you have sex a week is a good idea hhhhhhhmmmmmmm I think once a week is just showing off. I mean if you add that up that's loads of times in a year, which is far to much for anyone. You have made me feel really bad now, as I only had sex to procreated twice. Bog i knew i was missing something. Still i prefer a cup of tea or a hobnob. ummm or both.

Anyway you haven't been married that long and Its very draining bringing up children. You haven't really given very much info. But I would advice some sort of counselling so that you can get communication going. Without communication relationships don't exist.

Answer 4

Without sounding too 1950's!!! It is important that if you are at home with the kids all day you make a little but of an effort before your husband comes home. I'm not saying spend hours dolling yourself up but make an attempt to look and feel sexier for yourself and your husband.
I have been married for 15yrs and we have seven kids together, he is a stay at home dad and I know myself that if i come home after a full day in work if he has food and puke all over and the house is a mess the last thing on my mind is sex.
Get the kids to bed extra early one night a week so you and him can have a bit of alone time...not necessarily for sex,take a bath together,cook a nice meal whatever turns you both on.
Good Luck

Answer 5

This is a difficult situation that will get worse the less you communicate. But what do you communicate about? This may sound odd, but how about talking about how you feel about the children? Young children do take a lot of time, and you are probably both devoting more energy to them than to anything else. It's a horrible cliche, but it could be that your husband is upset that the time you have to devote to the children means you have less time for him (yes, we men are sometimes very childish about this, but it happens). I have no doubt that you sometimes wish you did not need to spend so much time on the children. Of course you love them, but it's OK to say that you sometimes wish you did not have to think about them all the time! This may be why your husband gets defensive - it seems wrong to resent your own children but, believe me, sometimes you do.

I am not suggesting that this will be a magic wand, but maybe it's one thing that will help you and your husband to start communicating about the other important things in your lives - namely, each other.

Answer 6

I think you need to reschedule your day.No matter what have time for your husband.Get the kids to bed early and instead of looking attractive for him look sexy

All men no matter how tired is visually stimulated.You may not get the sex but you'll be noticed.

I once heard a saying that that men love sex and women have the gift of sex.Call him before he gets home,ask if you should run a bath for him.Things that you did before while courting.Remember give him time and stick to being sexy when he's around you.

I know it will be hard trying to work around your kids but your husband was there first.Yes you love your kids but you must teach them that mommy and daddy need time as well.They will understand.Kids want their parents to be happy with each other

Answer 7

i feel for you; i am in the same place.i have been married for 35yrs.and my wife as never shown me any affection what.s so ever.to a degree your lucky.your having sex once a week; I'm lucky if we have it twice a year.we have three children .the one thing that i have lea rend ;is you can not change a person.perhaps your husband is having a bad time at work.or he has money worries.but what ever you do ;do not keep it bottled up.talk to him;if that show.s no progress.there.s not much you can do. i wish you all the best.

Answer 8

I FEEL SO SAD HAVING READ YOUR QUESTION AND I AM HOPEFUL THIS WILL HELP. ALTHOUGH MALE, I WAS IN A SIMILAR RELATIONSHIP UNTIL VERY RECENTLY. I HEARD EXCUSE AFTER EXCUSE AND ALWAYS TRIED TO MAKE THINGS BETTER BY ADAPTING MY BEHAVIOUR, I REALLY BELIEVED THAT MY LOVE AND COMMITMENT FORHER WOULD SEE US THROUGH THE DIFFICULT TIMES.
I HAVE COME TO REALISE THAT AS REAL PEOPLE WITH REAL EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS, WE DO HAVE A RIGHT TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT AND THE COMMITMENT WE SHOW SHOULD BE RETURNED. YOU ARE VERY UNDERSTANDING, HOWEVER, ARE YOU JUST MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIS BEHAVIOUR? ON A MORE PERSONAL LEVEL I FIRMLY BELIEVE THAT IT IS WRONG TO STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR THECHILDREN, THEY ARE EMPATHIC AND PICK THINGS UP, WE INADVERTENTLY GUIDE THEM INTO WHAT RELATIONSHIPS ARE AND HOW TO LIVE IN ONE. I FEEL MORE IMPORTANT, WE CANNOT STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP CONTINUOUSLY HOPEFUL OUR PARTNER WILL CHANGE, BECAUSE ONE DAY WE WAKE UP AFTER A WONDERFUL DAY BEFORE TO BE TOLD THEY NO LONGER WANT THE RELATIONSHIP. WHERE WOULD THIS LEAVE YOU? I FEEL SO FOOLISH BECAUSE IN HINDSIHGT I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN BUT FIRMLY BELIEVED MY FEELINGS, AS STRONG AS THEY WERE, WERE RETURNED. ON THE OTHER HAND, PERHAPS HIS LIFE IS TOO DEMANDING, BUT AGAIN WHAT WILL HE CHOSE AS IMPORTANT IN HIS LIFE? (FRIENDS AND CAREER?) I CAN ONLY SUGGEST THAT YOU LEARN TO BE SELFISH AND CLEARLY DEFINE WHAT IT IS YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE? AND IF YOU HAVE IT, GOOD. IF YOU DON'T, GO GET IT. LIFE REALLY IS TOO SHORT TO BE TROUBLED AND MISERABLE. ESPECIALLY FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME WHERE THE PARTNER MAKES EXCUSES AND IS UNABLE TO COMMUNICATE WELL. SORRY NOT POSITIVE, BUT FROM THE HEART.

Answer 9

i think the problem might be you are putting to much focus on him,try and be a bit more open about how you feel and not to blame any one thing.I have 4 kids and they take up a huge amount of time,and me and my partner find very little time for each other,but the time we do have is used wisely.
I wouldn't worry about the sex thing,as you are lucky to get it once a week...lol...good luck

Answer 10

Jealousy works most of the times. So dress nice when you have visitors home. Tell him that a young dude was checking you out when you went shopping. This will certainly make sure that he will give you more attention but I'm not sure of affection!!! But keep your dress sense on the high and modern and it will keep you current and your husband guessing. Good luck!

Answer 11

stop trying to talk about it. Just be affectionate yourself without expecting any in return - just because he is not affectionate does not mean that you can't be. Give it time and see what happens. If that is the only reason you cannot see your marriage working then you do not know how lucky you are.