How do I assert or perhaps not assertive myself with my cousin?

Question

I'm going to be visiting my cousin in the future, which I'm dreading. She's very outspoken and can come out with hurtful comments. I have never been in her company where she has never said something to offend. For instance, the last time she saw me she said, "You've a figure at long last" in front of about 25 people! I've always had a problem with being underweight and yes, I did put on some much needed weight, but she always seems to beat me to it. I can never beat her to it, she's always there first when it comes to cutting remarks and I'm left feeling terrible. How do I cope with her? She's 40. She seems to feel the need to contradict everything.

Answer 1

Poopsy Hello,
she sounds like a cow, and you need to tell her when she does it. e.g. (Your putting me down again, I wonder why you feel the need to do that all the time) So it always needs pointing out. Tell her (actually your comment makes me think you want to put me down for some reason) And (your comments are unkind) ALWAYS ALWAYS POINT IT OUT then see what happens.

Another thing I would like to say is that you are comparing your self with others. This is never a good idea. You are your self. No one is like you.

Her problem with contradicting others is HER PROBLEM not yours, don't let her put it on you. Point it out when she does it to you so its all OUT IN THE LIGHT for all to see. She is wrong to do it and if she does it she from now on has to do it with the knowledge that it's hurtful to you. SHE IS RESPONSIBLE for hurting others and not you. When you allow her to do this to you you are in a way justifying her behaviour by colluding with her.; DON'T LET IT CARRY ON.

Please do something about this now, don't let it go on any more because it's such a waste of hurt feelings on your part. She has no rights over your feelings.

Answer 2

You know what she is like. You need to learn to rise above her comments possibly be learning to feel sorry for her. I am not saying you lay down and let her wipe her feet. On the contrary, if she has beat you loads of times lets say witht he weight thing, you should feel numb to those comments.

If she comes out with something related to your weight issues or just as hurtful (especially publicly) ask her in the same public fashion when she will "change the script" or tell her that you are "tired of her flippant immature comments which you have never found funny and you would appreciate it if she stopped".

She will more than likely come back verbally more aggressive. this not a cue for a shouting match. Take a deep breath, remind yourself to feel sorry for her. Start by saying "With all the love in the world" and repeat yourself as before. At the end of this state you are not arguing, but you have always walked away upset and you don't want to do it anymore. Also add that if she could do that, it would help you respond to her more positively.

If she doesn't get it after all that, tell her that you know a good website that does the "Rolls Royce" of HRT!!

All the best you lovely person!!

Answer 3

OMG, I have met people like this. What you need to do is have a little phrase at the ready that will cover most things. For example, what you could have said about the weight comment is; 'I had a figure before'

You need to look into her eyes when you say something. She probably WILL come back at you with another comment but next time she'll think twice.

You see, people like her are actually very insecure but their mouthiness helps to cover this. She only gets away with saying stuff like this to you because she KNOWS she CAN.

Think of someone else who is confident, would she make the same remarks in the same way to them?

Unfortunately, some people need to feed of the insecurities of others.

She can only hurt you if YOU ALLOW her to.

Good luck, best wishes.

Answer 4

Okay, practise! I realised I had a problem with being assertive, and after reading an article, I realised that sometimes you can get the upper hand. And this is when you know someone is going to be nasty.
And the advice I read, and which I pass on to you, is to confront their question. For example, I was told: "Whenever I see you, you've put on weight."
So I said: "You must be aware that that is a hurtful thing to say, why are you trying to offend me?"
The reply I got was: "I'm just trying to help you!"
My reply: "I'm a grownup, I'm quite capable of sorting out my own life, thank you."
I got an apology and never had a problem with that woman again.
So you know she's going to be horrible, be prepared.
Anohter person who is contrary is my mother. If I say "black" she says "white". Simply state the obvious: My, you do like to be contrary, don't you?
Don't get rude, don't get into a fight. Practise looking cold.
And knowing you can put her in her place, give you self confidence, which means she will be even less sure she can humiliate you in the future.

Answer 5

It's common knowledge that some people have no tact, and are in fact very rude, because they make it a point to be. There's not really anything you can do about your cousins lack of tact, and respect for your feelings. I know it's corny, and perhaps to some may seem a little outdated to say, but since you can't change anything about your cousin be the "bigger" person. Don't say anything to her sarcastic and rude remarks. Perhaps you should change the way you look at her. Every time she says something rude and tactless in front of you or about you, think of it like this: She's probably had things happen in her life that you don't know about, that have made her an unhappy little ball of anger/resentment/rudeness. Maybe you should have more pity for her than dread of meeting up with her. It's quite possible that she's jealous of you, even if you don't think there's anything to be jealous of, envy is hardly ever revealed, because pride doesn't allow it to be.

Answer 6

She sounds very insecure and as if her compulsion to put others down and make hurtful comments comes from the fact that she can't feel good about herself without making others feel bad.

Personally, the next time she comes out with a rude remark in front of others, I would be inclined to tell her off in front of them. Either say something like "Yes, I have a figure, and also enough sense to think before I open my mouth. Still, never mind, eh?" or simply ask "Do you make remarks like that deliberately to be rude or are you just stupid?" No doubt she will then try to make out that you're over-sensitive but you can be prepared for that and remind her that you've put up with her rudeness for a long time without saying anything, in the hope she would grow up, but as she shows no signs of doing so, you have no choice but to put her straight. There seems nothing wrong with actually telling her that she comes across as insecure and needing to put others down to make herself feel good, and telling her that it's not very attractive.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh but I think your cousin needs a shock.

Answer 7

If I were you-I'd point that out to her...that, that statement she made a while back in front of 25 people, hurt and embarassed you. Some people are not as sensitive as others, and find it to be naming only the obvious. If you want to give her a comment to make her shut up-after she says something that gets to you-keep a straight, stern face and in a firm voice say, "I'd appreciate it if you would keep your comments about me to yourself. I don't like it." Just like that. Rehearse it if you have to. Go over what you are going to do and what you can say ahead of time-in your head, and in your dreams. In your dreams you can tell her a billion things to her face right?? lol...What is the worst that can happen? She might get mad-so what-that is her problem. Your problem is that she needs to stop what she is doing, and she will if she cares about your feelings. She cannot contradict the fact that YOU DON'T LIKE IT. She can't. She might try...but that will make her look like an insensitive, uncaring idiot. You need to make statements-"That hurt my feelings."
You can't change her actions, but you can change your reactions. Find a way of reacting that gets her attention and use it everytime. (You'll stop acting that way, when she gives you the same respect.)

Answer 8

Wow....I would have guess you two were a lot younger than 40. It seems a bit juvenile to me initially. Just talk to her. Tell her how you feel. She may not know that she is hurting your feelings. She probably thinks that she is being funny. Its okay to feel the way that you do. I sense a little jealousy. If she continues to hurt your feelings, try giving her a dose of her own medicine. No one is perfect. Find something that she is sensitive about and call her out on that. Believe me, she will get the picture and see how it feels when the shoe is on the other foot.

Answer 9

That is a tough one... to bad you can't choose your family members. I had cousins that I could not stand growing up and fortunately now that I am a grown up I get to decide who I want to spend time with and who I don't.
Perhaps starting off bu telling her in a nice but firm manor that you do not appreciate her comments, the embarrass you and hurt your feelings. Be polite but make sure you get your point across. Don't just set her down and tell her off as soon as you see her. It is better to wait until she makes one of her comments and correct it right then and there.
If she continues with the behavior then you will just have to ignore her and look forward to the day that you don't have to see her if you don't want to. You don't have to like or even be friends with your relatives.

Answer 10

People can be hurtful, especially family.
DONT give her the benefit of letting her know that she upsets you.
In doing this l would have said "thankyou for noticing!" Dont give her fuel to feed on.
Aventually she will give up. When she insults you, say....".thankyou for taking an interest in me "
The nicer you are (with a smile) the more she will back off as she is not getting a reaction from you.
Good Luck