so many problems with myself i don't know what to do!....?

Question

i have had a long mental history, since i was 11 years old, it started out as anger issues, and it got so bad i would kick holes in the wall and destroy my parents things and throw things at my parents who were disabled, apparently i had threatened to kill my own mother at one point with a axe or something and actually had it in my hand..funny thing is, i don't remember ever doing that..anger issues turned into manic depression and bi polar disorder, when i was on depo for birth controll the side effects only made matters worse...durring all thes years of madness i had no controll over myspelf, i have been suicidal and violent and alot of other things, but all of that stopped after i turned 18, i got a massive reality check when i ended up being put into foster care and kicked out of foster care with no money and no food or nothing, ended up being homeless in the wintertime i did more stupid thing during that time but for once i wasn't suicidal nor violent, i felt like i was changing..

after some time i felt normal and got back on my feet again, and the past i fell like i was a completely different person...like i was possesed or something, i try to steer away from any conflicts as much as possible, i don't trust people to the point of a slight paranoia..i have such i hard time making big decisions that it ruins my relationships and my life even though i am given adequate time to think them over... i don't like being around people much anymore it's like i am slowly falling back to where i was and i don't ever want to become that person again! i even feel suicidal at times but then i turn it around by thinking of things that are worth living for..i can't seem to find a good pshycologist becuase i have crappy insurance so i only get the ones that get paid less and don't do thier job very well.....i'm at a loss here

i'm already on disability, been on it since i was a baby for being visually impaired and drawing off my father

Answer 1

make a choice of what your worst problem is and start there.



baby steps ....

Answer 2

as a mother and a person, this really bums me out, I feel really bad for you. Life, is so not easy hon, and dealing with our inner self at times when we don't know what to do, or how to handle things and emotions, guess could make ya' sort of nuts in a sense... some people can handle things so much better than others. Depression is very hard to deal with for some people. There are so many contributing factors. Home life, people, situations, the news, some music, lots of things trigger the "tapes" they call it....A restless mind and spirit, especially if either or both have been broken....You have to know something. There isn't one person on this site, or maybe one, that hasn't done something stupid. Perhaps you are feeling guilty for some things and your mind just won't let you forgive yourself, but you need to...Poor choices and mistakes, hell, everyone makes them one time or another, that is how we learn. Your human, not superhuman, so don't be so hard on yourself, there are people who have done WAY worse stuff than anything you've done. No matter what you did, the thing is it is in the Past. And that is where it needs to stay. And not let mistakes consume you and prevent you from being happy in life, you Deserve that my dear, your not worthless!!! Not to get religious or anything or insult anyone else, but if there really is a god, and I hope there is, if he would forgive you, then why can't you forgive yourself....Yes.....you can!!....The you who did those things isn't the you now right?...that person no longer exists...I know I don't know you or the things you have gone through, but that is what I sort of am getting from your posting....So, tomorrow is a new day for you....The world is screwed up, but its a wonderful place to be also, there is so much good stuff to experience and being your young, you have an opportunity older people don't have, and that is to change your future. That is awsome to be able to have that! I did a lot of drugs in the mid 70's, not heroine or coke, but enough of the other crap believe me. I didn't finish school, but I did change my life, and plenty of regrets here let me tell you. But I have 4 great kids who have given me beautiful grandchildren, and I suppose had I not gone through some of the things I did, I wouldn't be me now....Which I like me now. That stupid girl that stayed out all night getting stoned with people that had no goals in life, doesn't exist anymore. Would love to go back in time, but then I wouldn't have what I have now....so, hope what I wrote makes you feel a bit better about yourself, go with the hurt, and deal with it, and LIVE.......ok?....sincere best wishes for your Future!!!

Answer 3

First off, that's amazing that you are able to turn yourself away from feeling suicidal thoughts like you said, I personally know what it's like to feel that way and it's not easy to think about the good, so major props on that. Now, first off I just want to say don't be ashamed of your issues. While, they are definetly not "good" things, you didn't cause them, so don't blame yourself for them and don't be ashamed you have them. Not that you should give into them or not try to change, but if you you do hate that part of you so much that can subconsciously seep into your overall being, and that's definetly not a good thing. Like, for ex if a person has cancer, they hate the cancer but they don't hate themselves for getting it because it was out of their control. I don't know if that is an issue for you, but I hope it's not, because the illness and problems you have/had are not you fault. Anyways, the best thing I can think of for helping with the problems you are going through right now is medication and therapy, but you said you have already had trouble with the therapy. Do you have a doctor? I would suggest seeing him/her and asking them if possible, they could point you in the right direction. Or, you can call a hot line, like boys and girls town hotline (not just for younger ppl, anyone can call) and they could give you some advice about what you could do. Also, if you don't have a job right now I would highly suggest seeking out one. Not only will it give you monetary benefits so that you can get an apartment or something, but also working hard will give you a feeling of accomplishment and will help you feel better. It's just a thought, you might not be up for that right now. Well, I'm sorry I can't be of much service, but if you would like to talk you can email me or something, feel free. Anyways, I really hope things will get better for you, and that you will find something that can help you. Best of luck!
-sarah

Answer 4

Well, I remember you asking about suicide on here a little while ago and am happy you are alive. No matter how bad you feel just think about all the good things in life there are to live for. You may never see any of them by yourself, but there is plenty out there to be experienced. Really, life is hard but it is also awesome. Hopefully one day all of this will just vanish from your life and you will see how great this world is.

Also, just because a psychologist is cheap doesn't mean they are all bad. There is a good chance you can find a decent young psychologist on their way up and they should be able to help you. All shrinks start out somewhere and I have gotten great service from McDonald's. Is that a decent metaphor?

Answer 5

wow you have had a lot of problems haven,t you? The only thing i know for you to do is get under a doctors care and get the help you need.They have so many new medications out now for all the sympoms that you are having...If you cannot do this because you are not able because of money,then you need to go to MHMR and get help.Having the problems that you are having you could probably be classified as disabled,and go through social security and get on disability...You can be young and get on social security SSI and they will pay for all your doctors care and pay for 3 medications per month...My son is bipolar and now they have much better drugs than they use to..Try not to get discouraged through this,I know its hard for you ,but you must realize that there is no such thing as your problems being untreatable....there is a cure for anything,all you have to do is work with a doctor and try different types of drugs until you find the one that works for you....You take care and I wish you all the luck...There is Help out there and I would suggest you get some....

Answer 6

http://www.shirleys-wellness-cafe.com/philo1.htm