Ok, so I recently found out that my g/f of 8 months had 2 threesomes with a couple she is really good friends with right before we started dating. She had actually dated the guy about 2 yrs prior. Knowing this is driving me crazy especially because she wants to maintain a close relationship with them and I cant stand the idea of the idea of the 3 of them together. Any advice as to how I can get over this and remain friends with this couple, am I being unreasonable to not want to keep in contact with them, what would you do? Logically I can say she wasn't with me all I want but it still makes me sick to my stomach to imagine what went on between them. Any advice is appreciated.
2007-01-11 16:03:18 · 34 answers · asked by Booyah 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
leave her you can't handle that part of her past and it will never change
2007-01-11 16:06:10 · answer #1 · answered by clement J 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well hunny let me say this..... if she did it before yall got together and she ain't doing it anymore then leave it in her past. Because dweeling on something that she did in her past will cause the relationship to end badly. If you really love her and you've talked to her about the problem then the rest is up to her. all you can do is except her past and start in the future. Let them remain friends and so should you especially if it's not going on anymore. But you can get all the advice in thw world, but actually on this one you really need to go by what your heart feels. I know you'll make the right choice just follow your heart hunny.
2007-01-11 16:10:26 · answer #2 · answered by Elizabeth C 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think expecting her to break all contact just because she has a history with them is unreasoble. Are you going to break all contact with everyone you have a history with? If you are, then at least you're being fair, although I'd still say that's unreasonable. Get to know them, you'll find it harder to hate them when you get to know them. It might also help to ask your girlfriend if she would be willing to do the same with you as she's done with them. Part of your problem might be that you feel like you're in a second place to them. If she can assure you that you're just as good or better as them in her eyes, then you might feel better about that friendship.
2007-01-15 07:34:21 · answer #3 · answered by Sean J 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Booyah, why does it make you sick to your stomach? You are right, what she did was before you and therefore really shouldn't be any of your concern any more than your past is any of her concern. If it is, than you need to find someone with a squeaky-clean past that doesn't threaten your sense of self-worth, which is really what this is all about.
You are jealous. Jealous is not envy. They are two different things that commonly get mixed-up. Envy is wishing you had something someone else does. Jealousy is being afraid that someone else may be preferred over you. Jealousy is insecurity. You are insecure about your worth to your girlfriend. You are afraid that your girlfriend may like this other couple (or either one of them) more than you. This is probably so far from the case that it isn't even funny. If anyone on this planet meant more to your girlfriend than you, than she'd be with them and not you. Period.
So although you may not want her to remain in contact with them, and she may appease you by doing so, you are being unreasonable and she will resent you for it. Eventually this type of resentment due to your jealousy will cause her to leave you.
"Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive." ~ Havelock Ellis 1937
What he means is that jealousy kills love. People around you tire of it and want out.
"The jealous bring down the curse they fear upon their own heads." ~ Dorothy Dix
You fear your girlfriend will cheat on you, so you try to control her so she won't (like telling her she can't be friends with this couple anymore), and eventually she'll tire of your controlling her and and do the exact thing you are afraid she will do just to prove she is her own person and that you don't own her.
Basically, this is your problem, not hers. And it is unfair for you to ask her to change because you are having issues with who she is. I'm sure you'd be angry if she asked you to do it. And if you weren't, and you did, than you'd be codependent and that isn't healthy for a relationship either.
So you can either buck-up and get over yourself, or like I said, find someone that doesn't have a past that threatens your sense of worth.
2007-01-12 06:12:15 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
get over it if you truly love her and be accepting of all she enjoys. but if it makes you sick, how do you know she's changed and won't want to do it with them again or some other couple? or have you do it with them, or another friend? not that there's anything wrong with that, but obviously you two have a different view of sex, intimacy and morals. don't see a future with such a big gap on such an important issue.
ps - i cldn't handle it if they still hung out and were touchy feely friends or talked often. i cldn't do a threesome either.
2007-01-11 16:07:39 · answer #5 · answered by bb 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should talk to her and find out if this kind of thing is something she wants to continue to do. If this is part of who she is and is what she needs to do to be herself, you have to accept that. Otherwise, you need to leave this in the past and move on. you also need to accept that if these are her friends, they aren't going anywhere and you should not expect that to change just because youre in the picture now. Nothing sabotages a relationship more than jealousy and mistrust.
2007-01-11 16:09:40 · answer #6 · answered by isabelle archer 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well did you tell her how you felt. Regardless if it was in the past do you like the fact that she hangs out with an ex bf? That to me would be the bigger issue then the fact that she had a threesome. Does she have issues if you were to hang out with an ex girlfriend? Because to me that is more the issue...
2007-01-11 16:08:54 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I understand how you feel, but it was in the past. It's going to be hard, but you are going to have to put in in your past as well..... maybe you should try and talk to your girlfriend about how you feel, but don't make her feel like she has to pick her friends or you! Try and remember everyone has had a day or two in their life when they have done/tried something they probably regret now. I guarantee if you make her feel like she can trust you and you are not drilling her for answers then she will open up to you.....
2007-01-11 16:11:23 · answer #8 · answered by veronica c 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
What your gf did in the past, stays in the past. Thats why we look towards our future. It may be hard to look at them all the way you use to, but arent there things your ashamed of doing? If you cant get passed this, you need to move on to someone different.
2007-01-11 16:06:59 · answer #9 · answered by ♡MaNda♡ 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I say GET OVER IT. If it's in the past it doesn't matter anymore. If you're worried about something happening between them again, just talk to your girlfriend and find out her feelings, and tell her yours.
2007-01-11 16:05:59 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
you're right it was before you two were together but i can see why it would bother you. if she were to never see them again it would be different but i wonder why she still wants to maintain contact with them. its obvious she isn't embarrassed or regrets what she did with them so you have to be wondering will she do it again? and even more troubling is will she want you to do it with all of them? personally it wouldn't be something i would want to deal with and i would break up and move on and find someone who shares my idea of intimacy
2007-01-11 16:07:30 · answer #11 · answered by ?! 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋