Gimme funniest joke you've ever heard?

Question

You dont have to make it up.But you can gimme one you made up. I just feel like a laugh!
~Sara Jo

Answer 1

Indian Humor - NM Style
A New Mexico State Trooper pulled over a van on I-25 about ten miles north of "The Pit". When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding the driver answered that he was a juggler and he was on his way to Sandia Casino to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by the juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and that he didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, an old pickup with expired plates pulled up behind the squad car. An Indian who was obviously intoxicated, staggered out and watched the performance briefly. He shook his head, went over to the squad car, opened the door and got in. The trooper observed the man doing this and went over to his squad car opened the back door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing?! The drunk replied...."Sha-Bro....might as well take me to jail....There's no way in hell I can pass THAT test!!!!"

Answer 2

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Answer 3

This guy turned 60 and decided to buy a Corvette, he takes his new car on the freeway and started doing 60 then Say's to him self im gonna punch it some more so he punches the gas another 20 miles an hour, he got the wind blowing in his hair then he says to him self I am gonna floor it. all of a sudden he's doing a 120 and he's loving it as he's driving he passes a state trouper. the state trouper started following in hot pursuit, the man realizes that he's got a cop behind him and Say's to him self im to old to be driving like a manic if i don't pull over for sure i am gonna end up in jail and i am definitely to old for that,so the man pulls over and the state trouper comes up to the man and says'' You were doing 120! I should take you to jail! but its Friday and its 3:00pm and I was just about to go home so if you can give me a good reason why I shouldn't take you to jail I will let you go.'' so the man with the Corvette says " well officer my wife left me 20 years ago for a state trouper and i thought you might be him trying to bring her back to me'' the state trouper Say's ''good day sir.''

Answer 4

Well, the very first time I read this I thought it was hilarious. But maybe I'm just deluded... I'm not sure if I remember it right. Here goes...

Harold owned a small general store. Harold was the meanest man in town. He'd insult anyone he could find. One day, a man came to the store wanting to buy something. He was holding a duck under his arm. Harold says, "what are you doing with that pig?" the man says, "Are you stupid? Can't you see this is a duck??" Harold says, "I was talking to the duck."

Yup. Not very funny... Lol.

Answer 5

I have some good ones....So sit up and listen....Here are some Bible jokes....What did God say to Cain about his offering? "Whars the beef?" What was Eve most famous for? Raising Cain, and she was well Able. Did you know that the Jews wore blue jeans in the Old Testament? They had the tribe of Levi. Now here is some more... She was so ugly she used preparation H for her night cream. The next group is called Levi and Jean. Levi: "What did the bee say to the rose?" Jean: "I have no clue." Levi: "Hi, bud." Levi: "What do you call a man who gets walked all over?" Jean: "I don't know." Levi: "Matt." Levi: "What people do the most traveling?" Jean: "I don't have the foggiest." Levi: "Romans."

Answer 6

A cop pulls over a man for driving like a nut. The cop walks over and the man rolls down the window and says "Officer, officer I swear to drunk I'm not god."

Answer 7

three ducks go to court as suspects for a crime. the first duck goes in and the judge asks "where were u when this crime happened?" the duck answers "blowing bubbles" a second duck goes in court and the judge asks it the same question, the duck answers "blowing bubbles." a third duck walks in and the judge says, "let me guess, u were blowing bubbles?" the duck says, "no, im bubbles"

i have no idea y ducks had to used for this joke, but its funny

Answer 8

Barb and a friend were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

Barb rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Answer 9

A man attempted to commit suicide one day and set up a system to kill himself. First, he tied the rope to a tree near a river bank and then tied the other end to the trigger of a gun. He then climb on a branch of the tree and secured himself with a rope facing the gun and pulled the other rope in order to shoot himself. The gun missed and instead of shooting him, it shot at the rope that was holding him.

He fell into the river and desperately swam to shore.

Answer 10

A man walks into a psychiatrists office completely wrapped in cellophane. The doctor sais to him. "I can clearly see your nuts!!!"