im a person who likes a laugh and in need of sum funny jokes?

Answer 1

Is the wife in control?
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

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Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

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Answer 2

A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.

The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.

Answer 3

and elderly couple visit the doctors the doctor says i need to speak to your wife a lone so the man waits outside

the doctor says to the wife, im afraid he is very frail and needs to be well looked after you have to let him have sex when ever he wants it, cook him plenty of hot meals and he needs peaces and quiet so dont nagg him or shout at him if you follow these rules he will live for a long time . the wife says ok and leaves the room

once outside her husband asks, well what did he say

and she replies the doctor says your gonna die

Answer 4

Four Chinese: Chu, Bu, Fu and Su decided to immigrate to the US. In order to get a Visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck.
Fu and his sister Su decided to stay in China.

Three Italian nuns die and go to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says:
"Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *abra-cadabra* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says;
"I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.....
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

A little boy wanted to know what it was like to have $100. His mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.
When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to Prime Minister. The Prime Minister was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy just $10. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $10 and sat down to write a thank-you letter, which read as follows; "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through the government. As usual, those thieving bastards deducted $90 for tax.

If Adam and Eve were Chinese we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake.

Pavarotti and Domigo are bragging to each other about their voices and music.
Pavarotti:"When I sang in Milan in front of an audience made of 400 000 people the statue of Virgin Mary from Milan Cathedral had shed tears"
Domingo: "When I sang in Rio in front of an audience made of 800.000 people Jesus came down from Heaven and said "What a voice, what a wonderful music! Not like that guy from Milan that made my Mum cry"

Answer 5

if you have cable or direct tv then go on comedy central and watch it on channel 249 or if you don't have cable then go on answers yahoo go to riddles and jokes section and read some of the jokes that other people made.

Answer 6

a man enters a bar. he sits down and orders a double martini. after he finishes the drink , he peeks inside his shirt pocket and then orders another.he drinks that one, peeks in his shirt pocket again and orders yet another double martini."look buddy," says the bartender, " i'll bring you refills all night long , but you gotta tell me why you keep looking in your pocket."the customer replies " i have a photo of my wife in here, when she starts to look good---I know it's time to go home."

Answer 7

so go find a clown