Does anyone know any funny quotes?

Answer 1

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” ~ Robert McCloskey

“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you." ~ Unknown!

“Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.” ~ Dr. Laurence J. Peter

“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried”

“Shin: Device for finding furniture in the dark”

“A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed” ~

“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.” ~ Franklin P. Jones

“Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.” ~ Woddy Allen

“I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.” ~ Keith Richards (Rolling Stones)

“If you can't convince them, confuse them.” ~ Harry S. Truman

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield



“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.” ~ Oscar Wilde

“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure”

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” ~ Oscar Wilde

“Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans” ~ John Lennon

“Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”

Answer 2

Stranggore: just so you know, those quotes are from Groucho Marx, the famous comedian, not Karl Marx the famous communist

Deja Fu: the fealing that some how, some way, you have been kicked in the head like this before.

Salmon Day: spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get scr*w*d in the the end.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy Pitbull.

Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly(actual warning a childs' Superman halloween costume)

From the 'Maltese Falcon', as stated by Bogart in the role of Sam Spade, "We never actually believed your story ma'am, we believed your two hundred dollars."

You can get more with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word alone. Al Capone

Answer 3

"This is so simple, a four-year-old could understand it (in reference to an economic report for the nation of Fredonia).
Somebody get me a four-year-old, I can't make heads or tales of it."
Groucho Marx as Rufus T. Firefly
in Horsefeathers

Answer 4

I started with nothing and still have most of it left
Im not phuckin stupid but I used to
you never see motorcycles parked outside of a shrinks office
unless its owned by the shrink
theres plenty of fish in the sea but who wants to phuck a fish

Answer 5

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Answer 6

Yeah, um... Mark Twain/Samuel Clemens: "Don't try to teach a pig to talk, it is useless, and it annoys the pig." Something like that.

Answer 7

if you dont have anything nice to say about anyone, come sit next to me.

Answer 8

The one who cried "Someone farted" is the guilty one.

Answer 9

lifes a bit..ch becaus if it were a slu. t it would be easy

Answer 10

"Is that a pickle in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"-Mae West