If your child is 24, been on her own for several years, would you feel guilty not paying her bills?

Question

She went to a fancy college knowing that she would have about $1000 a month payment when she got out.(Student loans) She has a good job now and can pay her bills, but most often puts fun before bills and gets behind ALOT. She has several credit cards that are going to collections because she chose not to pay them. She wants me to help with her bills. I can't afford it. She likes to eat out alot and go shopping with money that is for bills. She refuses to keep a checkbook register, so she has no idea what is in her account, and bounces checks constantly. She wont follow a budget, even though she COULD pay her bills if she did. But by doing so, it would mean less fun money. I have always put bills first, and fun later so I do not understand this mentality she has. She's always trying to make me feel guilty for not helping her pay the student loans like "All the other parents do". I can't afford to, but she thinks I can. Is it my responsibility to help her?

Answer 1

Absolutely NOT! She needs to learn how to be a responsible adult or suffer the consequences. If you bail her out, she'll just keep coming back for more. Nobody can make you feel guilty but you! You're talking about a 24 year old adult woman that needs to start acting like one.

It's tough love time. She needs to learn that all commitments she makes, financial and otherwise, need to be kept before anything else. Life isn't always fun and there isn't always money for it.

Tell her not to give you any of that "other parents" BS either. Let her know in clear terms that it doesn't fly with you and this is about HER future and HER ability to survive.

She also needs to be shown how to keep a checkbook (most banks will do it free or for a small fee), how to get her bills in order and paid by priority, including an amount put into savings as a "bill," how to set and keep a written budget, etc.

I can also recommend a great book for both of you called 'Seven Habits of Highly Effective People' that really helped me "get a grip" on goal setting and organization, self motivation, and self sufficiency.

http://product.half.ebay.com/7-Habits-Of-Highly-Effective-People-15th-Anniversary-Edition_W0QQtgZinfoQQprZ30986759

Hang in there and stay strong. Take care and best of luck!

Answer 2

I have been on my own since I was 17 and pregnant. I had to learn the hard way.
The only thing that you will do by paying her bills is encourage her to continue with her bad spending.
You should let her suffer the natural consequences of her actions.
She will lose her credit cards, she will have the damage done to her credit, and she will not be able to get a credit card for a while. Her lights will get shut off, she will be evicted, she will notice that the world makes you pay your bills or you end up living on the street.

The most responsible thing that you could do for her is to drive her to a credit counseling service. They can teach her to spend her money wisely.

Answer 3

To answer your first quesiton, yes, as a parent I would feel guilty. Most parents would because they know that NOT paying them will cause hardship in one way or another for their child and that is hard for a parent to feel without having guilt. That sai, please stop helping her. It might seem harsh to you and unthinkable to her, but if you continue helping her it will get worse.
The truth is, many, many many parents do in fact help their kids. It does not start where you might think. It starts in the upper-middle to upper class kids who are out of college, used to living off their parents almost completely and tend to have been "sheltered" a lot by financial stability at home and being put on a good "fast" track.. I say this not to be snobbish, but from true experience.
The problem with this is that it rarely stops at "helping them to get on their feet." The kids become accustomed to this support and start out right away with unrealistic ideas of how to divide up money, time, responsibilities and the like. Before you know it, you are paying not only their loan, but part of their mortgage/rent and a few other bills (most of which would be considered a real luxury to those that have come from "other" situations) like cable, cell phone, internet access.
Your daughter may or may not have the above background, but please believe me when I say that as her parent, it is your responsibility at her age of 24 years, as it was at 24 months, to see that she becomes a mature, responsible, independent, well adjusted adult. This will make her life, and yours, much happier.
Take care and good luck.

Answer 4

1 Stop feeling guilty she put herself there.
2 Just giving her money only rewards her for her behavior.
3 There is something that you can do Help her set up a budget.(Checkout Debt consolidation companies)
4 If possible she can work a second job for a while
remember the harder she works to get out of debt the more she will think and be responsible in the future.

Answer 5

No, absolutely not! I am 25 years old and a single parent. I pay all of my own bills. By paying her bills for her, you are enabeling her to continue this lifestyle she has adopted! She needs to be responsible and this is the only way to do it, even if she goes to collections. I had to learn this the hard way and my mom was very supportive in offering to show me how to balance my checkbook, how to do a budget and stick to it, etc. That's what I would do if I were you!

Answer 6

I would say do not help her. And I'm saying this since I've had expirence, not as the parent, but as the child. She will never learn. It's time to grow up. Sadly it may be the only way she learns, the hard way. Help her understand the importance of paying bills and help her set up a plan. This way she knows she can count on you, but no to help her pay bills. That is her problem, not yours.

Answer 7

you will only hurt her if you pay her bills. Offer to help her with a budget and checkbook register to get it all back inline and maybe help her get caught up once it is all figured out, but only if she is going to follow a budget so that she doesnt get in this mess again. If she doesnt like thids idea, then she may have to learn the hard way.

Answer 8

i've been single, 24, and had a good job. on top of that i had a baby. yes i still wanted to have fun by myself and with my child but i had to learn the hard way to take care of myself. my parents would help me out whenever they could but i did not expect them to cover costs that i could not which led to collections. i had to grow up and take responsibilities for my actions. long short good god she's 24 let her make her own mistakes and PLEASE don't feel guilty. give her little gifts every now and then like a gift card to starbucks or a restraunt, but don't pay her bills.

Answer 9

I'm 24 and my parents don't pay for my mortgage, child, car, or anything. I also have a BA in History with a minor in Government... and who paid for that.. I did! Let her get herself in trouble because that is the only way she will learn. She is 24, not 4 or even 14.

Answer 10

Tell her now that she has graduated from her fancy college welcome to the school of hard knocks.You create a debt, you pay the debt.Isn't it great to have all the perks of being an adult...responsibility,accountability ,maturity.These are life skills classes your daughter may have skipped.Let your daughter know that you expect her to behave like the adult she was always in such a big hurry to be. If you bail her out what is her motivation to grow up?