I still love him. But does it matter?

Question

I just broke things off with my fiance and he's making sure that i know I hurt him. I love him so much. that's no question. but it's a matter of how he treats me. He acts like I don't have a mind of my own, and it's like everything I do isn't good enough for him. He has begged and pleaded with me, I just don't know if I should go back to him, and risk things getting worse. He is VERY controling, and he can be manipulitive. I don't know why I still love him so much. But i just don't believe that he'll change. I just need some advice please. anything right now will help.

Answer 1

This sort of behavior will only get worse if you marry the guy. You have done the right thing. The whole guilt trip he is giving you is just another way of trying to control you. Make a list of all the things that he does that hurt you, and put it on your bathroom mirror, or wherever so you can see why you have dumped the guy. He sounds like nothing but trouble. Under no conditions should you go back with him. It is guaranteed to get worse. Emotional blackmail, guilt, manipulation, are just as bad as physical abuse. Run, don't walk, as fast and as far away as you can. This guy is not worth your love. Decide that you will respect yourself more than to let yourself get sucked into wasting any more time with this guy.. People who love you make you feel better about yourself. They treat you with respect and they think that the things that you are do are wonderful and that you are beautiful and that you are smart. If they don't treat you like that, then they don't really love you, and nobody needs that. So this guy is hurt. So what. He'll get over it. Move on and find someone who is worth your time and thinks the world of you.

Answer 2

You did the right thing-- better to end it now than after 10 years of a mediocre marriage and two kids all the while you've been hoping he'd change. I know that this had got to be hard, but in the long run you'll see that you made a good decision. Of course you still love him! You thought you were ready to marry the man. It will take a long time to get over him. I'm sure he's confused and maybe he'll never fully understand why you had to end it, but you just have to know that this was what you had to do in order to avoid an even more painful heartbreak further down the line. Try to move on as best you can: hang out with your friends more, sign up for a yoga class, spend time with the family.. keep yourself busy. Whatever you do, don't go back. You know in your gut that marrying him is wrong. I know it's hard, but you have to move on. Good luck.

Answer 3

Oh, sweetie that's so brave of you!
Stick with it, he misses someone to belittle and to make feel worthless, he doesn't miss you.

Think of it in terms of five years from now: you could be happily doing something you love, with or without someone in your life who appreciates you, but anyway free and conscious of your own worth, or you could be as low as a piece of dirt, doing nothing else than being someone's kicky bag, having lost all self-esteem, probably being beaten up as well. Because these things NEVER get better.

Only one thing: controlling men can become very abusive when dumped, be careful for the next few months and don't think of him as the poor dumped boyfriend, who wouldn't hurt a fly. He would, and probably try to. Don't let him see you with another guy, in case he gets jealous, get support and at the slightest sign of violence tell the cops he is threatening you. You need to defend yourself until he finds another victim, because that's what will happen. Poor girl, I know. But that's nothing you can help.

The feeling of love is an illusion. You don't love him! You love this idea you formed of him, because his being controlling gave you the illusion that he must care about you a lot if he's so concern about what you do or don't. But you know that's all fake, ot you wouldn't have left him.

So, this is one of the most important moments of your life. It's a choice you have before you that will determine how happy you will been forever, because self-esteem is not built in one day, and once gone away too long might never come back.

Be strong girl, you owe it to yourself. Be strong now, and grateful for the rest of your life.

Answer 4

I'd have to wonder why a person who thought I wasn't good enough for him, was very controlling, and manipulative, and who acted as though I had no mind of my own was begging and pleading me to be with him.
No, obviously he won't change- he's trying to manipulate you right now. I bet he's even saying you don't know what you want, and you shouldn't have broken up. I bet he's saying you'll never find anyone who loves you as much as he does. I bet he begs and cries, and when you don't give in, he gets mad and calls you names.
This isn't love- this is sickness. Is the the man you really want for your husband, and the father of your children? I hope not.

Answer 5

Honestly, you broke it off for a reason. If you married him the problems would just get worse. He is begging you to come back because he doesn't want to lose you but you have to think about whats right for you. You are an individual and should not be controlled. No one should make you feel that way especially someone you are considering marrying.

Answer 6

i have the same problem with my bf.. we keep breaking up and patching up due to this attitube. I love to have freedom . My advice is to follow your heart.. I too dun believe he will change and i plan that if he is going to stay the way he is now i will break up with him once and for all, i think you should set the "rules" straight make sure u tell him everything ur not happy with him and ask him to change if he doesn't seem to have change after sometime, then i think this relationship should not go on..

Answer 7

Re-read what you wrote:
he's making sure that i know I hurt him
He acts like I don't have a mind of my own
everything I do isn't good enough for him
He is VERY controling
he can be manipulitive

This isn't proof enough for you that this person is not worth another chance?

Answer 8

Well a guy should never control a woman and if he makes u feel like u dont have a mind of your own....thats not a good thing. Do what u feel is best. Have u talked to him about how he makes u feel??? Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse....

Answer 9

No, this is not a healthy relationship for you. Maybe you are in love with the idea of loving someone, not so much in love with him... you can't really love someone who hurts you. I think its more that you're used to him. I think you should cut him off completely so you can heal and have something positive to contribute to a relationship in the future.

Answer 10

You don't need someone who belittles you. And why would you want some who is controlling? Think about it, and good luck. Don't make a hasty decision regarding this guy. There are others who wouldn't have his mind set.