I tell my boyfriend that I am a virgin but I was molested when I was a child and my hymen was broken so will he think I am lying when I say that I have never had sex with anyone ( I REALLY HAVEN"T ) and then when he sleeps with me will he think that I have? I need help! We are both early 20s and I dont want him to think I am lying....I just dont want to tell him about the abuse.
2007-01-11 10:28:00 · 15 answers · asked by Lindsay H 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Okay, first of all! Um, janicajay... unless you were sexually molested as a young girl, you couldn't possibly understand. You may think you can, but you really can't. And you know what else? That is her business. Yes, she should eventually feel comfortable enough to tell him all her secrets, but it sounds like she hasn't come to terms with that one yet herself. That's a whole other can of worms, and it has nothing to do with "lying" to her boyfriend. It's something she must finish coping with in her own heart before she will be ready to share that secret with ANYBODY. That's just how it works when you're the victim of that sort of thing. And yes, I WOULD know. I know all too well. And if you don't believe me about the way that works, it's probably because you've never experienced it and you don't know how it feels.
If you were sexually molested as a child you need to know that it wasn't your fault that person was a stupid pervert. It does not make you dirty or damaged goods or any of that BS. It does not make you any less of a person. You need to accept the fact that it happened and there's nothing you can do about it, it's in the past. You also need to know that it happens to more people than you think. It does not make you a freak. No one is going to think you're a freak if they find out someone did that to you as a child.
It took me a long time before I was ready to tell ANYONE that I was molested as a child. It isn't about trust, or love, or any of those things. It's about being able to accept the fact that it happened and you have to understand that you are no less of a person because it happened. When you come to terms with that in your heart, you will be able to talk about it. Maybe you won't feel like giving all the gory details, but you'll be able to say that it happened and you won't be afraid to tell someone that it happened. You won't be ashamed because you'll understand that you shouldn't have to be ashamed of what someone ELSE did. You are the victim, you committed no crime. Accept it and move on.
Okay, with that out of the way... You have to understand that many things can cause the hymen to break. Riding a horse can cause the hymen to break for some girls. Well, you didn't have sex with the horse, but the horse caused your hymen to break, so are you a virgin or not? The medical world has come to the decision that the hymen doesn't mean much of anything. A lot of girls break their hymen the first time they have sex, but other things can cause it too. It is also possible to have sex and not break the hymen.
Some girls never had a hymen to begin with. I bet you didn't know that!
And then to top that off, most of the couples I knew that did it for their first time, or it was her first time, or whatever, the guy didn't even know. Guys get so caught up in the moment, and they're worrying just as much as you are because they want to impress you. They're afraid they won't last very long. They're afraid they aren't doing it well enough. They worry about what if it goes limp, or what if they only last a few seconds and you laugh at him. So don't even worry about it. Most guys don't understand enough about how girl-parts work anyway, even the smart guys. Most guys, if they get lucky enough to even see some girl-parts once in a while, they're pretty stoked about it.
So to answer your question, if you have never had sexual intercourse then YOU ARE STILL A VIRGIN. Hymen does not determine virginity. There is no reason why your first time can't still be special. YOU AREN'T LYING to him by not telling him about what someone did to you as a kid. That's not his business until you feel like you want to share that info with him. And I'm willing to bet that when you do, he will be caring and supportive of your feelings regarding that. He won't think you're a freak because of it either.
You are fine, you're not weird, you're not damaged goods, and you'll do just fine. You'll probably feel awkward your first few times since you're new to it all, that's totally normal. Your job in this act is really easy. All you have to do is act more alive than a blowup doll, don't just lay there with a deer-in-the-headlights look, and he'll think you're awesome in bed.
2007-01-11 11:17:57 · answer #1 · answered by pixysnot 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all - I am sorry that happened to you - no one deserves to be mistreated like that.
A hymen can be broken by other things like sports... It will probably still be a little uncomfortable the first time you have sex even though your hymen was broken.
You don't need to tell him about the abuse. Someday you might want to tell him, or you won't. That is up to you - it doesn't define who you are, so don't feel guilty about not saying something...
This might warrant a couple sessions with a counselor to get flat on your feelings about it, so it doesn't get in the way of intimacy with your boyfriend.
2007-01-11 10:38:54 · answer #2 · answered by beach 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I understand your need to protect your privacy, even though the effects of molestation are more than just physical. If it is too painful for you to be honest with him, then tell him about some accident or horse back riding, its not the best way, but if you really feel the need to hold back on the truth, then at least let him know you may not have a hymen even though you have never had sex with a man.
2007-01-11 10:36:15 · answer #3 · answered by justa 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
most girls now get they hymen broken before they ever even think about having sex.. by doing sports or dance and those kinds of things so you probably don't have to worry about him figuring it out that way.but you should have sex with him if you cant be honest with him about what happened. He won't think any less of you about it and if he does then he isn't a guy you need to have sex with.
2007-01-11 10:39:39 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
There are many virgins that don't have a hymen intact.... from all the activities out there.... cheerleading, horseback riding... a hyman can break even without having sex...so if he doesn't believe you...... he's the wrong guy.
2007-01-11 10:48:24 · answer #5 · answered by westfield47130 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell your boyfriend the absolute truth. sit down and calm him..and tell him the truth...he will feel that you trust him enough to tell him...
If your boyfriend loves you then he will believe you. Well if he doesnt..leave him for awhile to think about it...then after like idk how many minutes u want him to think about it...say that you love him and that if you didnt get molested you would lose your virginity to him..the one and only...etc etc..
P.S...guys can tell if you are not a virgin or not...
hopes this works for you!
2007-01-11 10:41:13 · answer #6 · answered by Darius C. 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I would think that you would teel yhe guy that your sleeping with that were molested, but you dont have to. You can alway say horseback riding , or Gymnastics.
2007-01-11 10:37:46 · answer #7 · answered by robvandamrvd123 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
To be honest i think you should tell him because its better to tell someone at the begining of the relationship reather than 5 months into it!
2007-01-11 10:36:37 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well let me talk to u 4 a 2nd, when i was 7 i was molested and i told my boyfriend it happen to me and he took it serious but if you told your bf and he didn't take it serious u and him need to have a little talk bout it.
2007-01-11 10:53:34 · answer #9 · answered by pimpette j 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know if he can tell, but i think you should tell him about the abuse.
2007-01-11 10:34:54 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋