I have some issues with relationships due to 1. relationship that was abusive (physically and mentally) and 2. being adopted/family issues. And as a result, even after working on myself (ALOT!) over the last few years, I do have some issues still. One of them being I have a really hard time being honest about what Im thinking or feeling. Such as I will say "Go" but inside I will be saying "Stay".
And its frustrating to me and especially my boyfriend. Who as a result feels like he can't do anything right.
Because when he does "Go", I get mad he isn't staying. But wtf? I can't expect him to be a mind reader either. This is 100% my issue and I want to work on it.
Any ideas/tips on how?
2007-01-11 09:14:29 · 14 answers · asked by nkbapbt 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
the first thing you have to do is tell him that
apologize for the hurt you have already caused him
and tell him that sometimes, although you try, you say something that is the opposite of what you want
and tell him why this is
i think it is a matter of trust
you do not fully trust him cause of what has happened to you
if you are honest with him with why you are not honest all the time
then there may be a more trusting atmosphere
and then you will start to tell him what you really think
time is the answer
2007-01-11 09:20:08 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can fix this without any outside help. It is the hardest thing to work on, but admitting that you are at fault and open to suggestions is truly half the battle. The most important key to any relationship is being honest. First, be honest with yourself. Force yourself to be honest with him. When you want him to stay, tell him to stay. The more you are honest the more you will respect him and respect yourself. He will see this in you and change is inevitable. Trust your feelings and share them with him. Please keep in mind that physical abuse can never be tolerated. There is no excuse or reason for any domestic violence. That doesn't mean that it is not stemming from other issues but if it happens again or you feel like it might, put your foot down and keep your distance. I would recommend doing some light research on co-dependency, it is prevalent in abusive relationships and turns into a vicious cycle that becomes harder and harder to separate from. In Closing: Be honest with yourself and allow yourself to be honest with him. Take pride in who you are, and expect the respect that you deserve from him. Be as giving as possible and try to compromise and listen while eliminating any tolerance of abuse. Good luck!
2007-01-11 17:30:20 · answer #2 · answered by Michael A 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
go to counseling.... for the abuse and other issues. Deal with your problems. Because like you said no one is a mind reader. You also might try to think before you speak. And if a "GO" slips out when you really want him to stay then speak up and tell him no... I want you to stay. Explain to him that you may not know yourself exactly what you want or need and you may even try discussing your issues with him as well so that he can understand where you are coming from. Understanding you as a person is the best way for him to love you for who you are and in time he will learn when it is best to go and stay on his own due to past confrontations. I am telling you this as a former woman of abuse myself, I used to push all men away from me.... at all times. You have to let down those brick walls sometime.
2007-01-11 17:21:10 · answer #3 · answered by Pekabu2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
seems like you have all the answers yourself. You know what you are doing is wrong and you will probably keep doing it. What you should do is tell him that sometimes when you tell him to go, you really want him to say. That way, if he's a good boyfriend, when you get to that situation, he will dig a little deeper when you answer him. So when you say GO, he SHOULD say, "are you sure, i know you always say things you dont mean. Please tell me" and if you are a good girlfirend, you will realize what you are doing and tell him really what you are thinking..
Secrets will kill and relationship. especially little ones like that. I think you should just let him read this question and some of the answers.. i bet that would help and make it a little easier for you to explain.
2007-01-11 17:20:15 · answer #4 · answered by lindsay g 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off get help. Second, write letters. I can express my self so much better when I write. I get really angry when some one cuts me off, so if I write a letter I can say what I have to say and no one can interrupt. Another benefit to writing letters is you have time to really put thought into what you want to say. When I'm mad I say the first thing that comes out of my mouth, rather I feel it will hurt the others feelings or not, matter of fact rather it's true or not. So it helps for me to write.
When you want your boyfriend to stay just say hey I want you to spend time with me. You can go another time. Just don't do it all of the time. Let him go out with the boys, and you need to have girl time also.
2007-01-11 17:22:51 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you talked to him, dose he know your back story? Is he patient, because it will take patience on his part, while you work things out.
You are aware of your issues, (which is a first good step)now you just have to work on verbalizing them.
It sounds as he is a good guy, and you are in no danger, you just need to say what you feel.....even if you already said the opposite. If your boyfriend knows you are having difficulties saying what you feel, he may start reading between the lines, which will make it easier on you until you develope a strong trust. (with both him, and your judgment)
2007-01-11 17:27:27 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
What is it that you want to say to him? Could you provide some examples?
I have the same problem with my partner, but I'm trying to not self-edit as much and just tell it like it is, if it's within reason. By "reason" I mean I wouldn't say things for the sake of hurting his feelings, rather, things that I think would contribute to the progress of the relationship.
2007-01-11 17:19:08 · answer #7 · answered by Tangent Lines 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
say the answer that you want to tell him in your head a little bit and take a couple seconds to answer and in those couple of seconds think about what you really want to say and then tell him what you are thinking for it is what you really want. dont jump the gun and think that he is expecting an answer within 1 second because he's not but also dont take like 30secs or a min to answer thats a long time unless its called for....something simple and somwhere to start...i have the same problem not as bad anymore but this is where i started...
2007-01-11 17:23:57 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh my goodness....I can relate to you so much that it is scarey!
I know exactly what u and your boyfriend are feeling.
my boyfriend been adopted too...went through all the abusive issues and that can really effect a relationship. it is wonderful to have someone to talk to about this issuse. whatever you do...don't blame yourself and don't think that u are crazy because you are not.
how about you im me and we can talk futher on this issue.
2007-01-11 17:19:23 · answer #9 · answered by La'Grange 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
when you are in situation like this just don't say anything, go and stay alone for a while..give your self time and space to calm down and arrange your thoughts, then go to your bf and speak with him honestly... as long as he loves you he will understand..
i know what you are going through.. I've been through some thing close to it.. and what i told you is what i do.. some times it works and some other time he has to bear me as i am... so just be honest with him
Good Luck
2007-01-11 17:24:32 · answer #10 · answered by Princess 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋