As a dad what dicipline do I apply to my 16yr old son?

Question

His mum kicked him out when he was 14, and we're at the point now were we cant even speak normally. He failed all his exams and hasnt held down a job since he left school. He goes out every night and sleeps all day. He's now on a course at a local training centre but it is up to me to get him out of bed which ends in arguments each morning.
I share a house with my girlfriend and our two young children, and because of the way he was treated by his mum (my ex) I feel that I sometimes overcompensate. My girlfriend is supportive but she feels that I am to soft on him and should set some clearer boudaries. He failed to attend his course the other day because he was'sick' I told him he couldnt go out that night if he was 'sick', he disobeyed me by going out anyway. I now feel that I have no control or power on what he does.
All serious answers , advice gratefully accepted.

Answer 1

You might just tell him that if he doesn't abide by your rules, he has to leave! If he thinks he is grown now then he needs to get out on his own - it's only going to cause problems with your other children and your girlfriend if he stays.

Answer 2

Sorry to hear about this mate.

This must be a horrible situation for you, but in my experience it is not a permanent one.

This kind of behaviour is very much associated with boys of this age. The half-way between childhood and manhood thing is nearing the peak of the argument and so he will not want to respond to what anyone else wants...only what he wants.

You will need to try and remember that this is just a passing phase. It can never pass quick enough, but a phase it is.

The principle feeling he has now is the one feeling he is not showing you. He is frightened. He has to make his own way in the world and he has absolutely no idea how to do it. Yesterday he was just a kid...today he is going to be a self sufficient adult any day now!!!...I am terrified just remembering it.

How about finding the right time to talk to him and tell him that he need not worry...you will not leave him to cope on his own...that you will be there to help him find his feet in the world?

I know that all sounds a bit social workery...but obviously adapt it to your relationship...

I am 52...I can still remember how scared i was...waiting so long to be grown up and then being terrified when I was.

Good luck mate.

Answer 3

Speaking from good experience here, I was taken into local authority accommodation when I was 13 (my mother is a manic depressive) and I did my first stretch in a Young Offender's Institution a few months before my 16th birthday.

From the sound of it, your son does not have any serious behavioural problem. In terms of discipline though, laying down the law doesn't work as all lads that age have rebellion in them (don't tell me that you were any different).

What you do have to appreciate is that 16 year-olds are as thick as feck. They are easily manipulated into doing what you think is right if you and your girlfriend work out exactly how to outwit him and if you are capable of singing from the same hymn sheet.

Experience is a potent force and both of you will get results if you use your collective total to the right effect.

Good Luck!

Answer 4

Its tough being a 16 year old, all those hormones playing havoc with you. He is at that stage where he is in between a boy and adapting to become a man, with that brings on responsibility, which no 16 year old really wants.
I dont know your full circumstances, regarding your ex wife and your split, that normally leaves the child feeling torn. Its sounds like hes mum just had enough and could not take charge or control., which is what he needs. He need rules and boundaries. He also need to be listen to and taken seriously. Just because we are wise and know whats best for them, sometimes they have to walk their own path. I would start by having one family night together, (he will really hate that) where you all sit together and have a dinner and chat about whats happening in your children's lives, ask him for his advise, make him feel important, that he also has a role to play, that he is needed, wanted and valued. That his opinion really does matter, get him more involved with your other children. Sometimes people can feel divided and outside the family circle, they just need a gateway in. Its going to be really tough, being positive, in a gentle way, always wins in the end. Tell him how much he means to you (even though you may not feel it at that time) say it everyday, weaken him with your love, gain his trust. Shouting at him, gives him the reaction to hate you. Give him something to love you for. Good luck to you and your girlfriend.

Answer 5

Well, it's a rebellious age.
Seat him down when he's sober and talk it out with him. Tell him that you love him, and that this path that he's walking is self-destruction. It will be so nice if he will just be able to talk to you seriously abt his problems but then it's almost wishful thinking. Most likely he'll deny it and try to get away from talking to you. Be firm but dun get too angry at his stubborness. Although you sound like a real great dad to me who'll understand ^^. It probably will soften him up if he realise that his dad is so sad and worried about him, 'cause it may make him feel sad and guilty abt worrying his dad like this. Yup, you really gotta set clear boundaries. Have some father-son time! Although that might be a bit harder then it sounds..
If he's hopeless send him to Boot Camp. He will get a free haircut, lots of exercise and fresh air, and a good work out for his ears everyday.

Heads up, Mr. Daddy!

Answer 6

He needs some guidence form real people that understand what he is going through. I wish I was a billionaire where I could build a fram land that is a place for troubled teenagers that need to get away from home and buil their selfeteem and when they graduate from the year camp, they get help with work and get a car of their choice.
Life is full of surprises, but you would be surprised how people change when they know that live is much beter than what they are experiencing with all the downs and woes. There's nothing better..http://www.garageband.com/artist/amycourts

Answer 7

How about get your bleeping act together or join the military, a few weeks in Bagdad ought to straighten him out.

I have to jump back into this..........

I have a now 18 year old daughter, that sounds like your son. Her mother and I tried the tough love, curfews, parent teacher conferences, family counseling,,,,,,,,,she graduated from high school, but as soon as she turned 18 basically took a dump on our values and moved in with her 29 year old boyfriend. We NEVER EVER turned our back on her, we tried everyway we knew to guide her. Bottom line, some kids just have to go to the school of hard knocks.

PS - her mother and I are still married, lived in the same house since the daughter was 10, same schools, same friends, etc... You can blame yourself if you want, but maybe it's not you? At least you care, and he knows that.

Answer 8

Now I will be serious:

You can't disipline him.
Ask yourself why did he fail his exmas - for god's sake he was kicked out at 14!

He failed his exam because he had no support from his family.
You should be supporting him now not casting him away again.
He has done nothin wrong and if you feel that telling him off is the way forward after what he hasd been through then maybe you wern't ready to be parents.

Two words - family counciling...

Answer 9

have u ever tried boot camp? seriously. ive had frendz get sent there by there parents, man they come back as total diff people. its some serious s*%t up in there. or if u dont wanna go to that extreme, then just stop being so soft and discipline him! a lil @ss whipping is not bad every once in a while. beleive me, ur gonna regret not disciplining him later, when u get a call from jail to go bail him out, or the morge and they ask u to go identify his body. theres some crazy people out there! u gotta be careful with ur boy. remember, hes also YOUR son.

Answer 10

kick him out. hes an "adult" and if he chooses to ignore his responsibilities and act like a kid then he needs to realize taht life isnt a playground just for him. make him leave and get his own taste of the world, and he'll realize eventually that whoa hes gunna have to step up and take charge of his own life.


you have two young children who need to be taught that his behavior is wrong and since you arent really doing anything about it, they are gonna start acting liek him, thinking its oka yto do the same things as he does. if he cant be a good role model for your kids, tehn he needs to go.

if you need to, call the police and have him personally escorted from the house and premises, if it comes to violence, and get a restraining order... he may need some time away from you guys for a little while till he figures it out

if you do this, he'll finally figure out what it takes to be an adult, will stop feeding off of your money and will become the role model for your children that he needs to be. either that or hell become a bum...

you dont want your younger kids to grow up just like him do you?


good luck