Why is my mom scared to be a mom to me?

Question

My whole life my mom was on drugs, until three years ago. I was raised by my grandparents almost my whole life. I am 20, I spent my whole life being there for her through all her bullshit--jails, prisons, hospitals, detox--whatever, I accepted all her calls and always wrote her and visited her. Now she is clean and has a boyfriend and a baby. (yeah she had a baby almost two years ago!) And she acts like I am not important to her now. She needed me when she didn't have anyone else, but now she has forgotten about the one person who never forgot her. What do you think I should do and why does she act like this?

Answer 1

Your mother is a very sick women. Even though she is off drugs now her mind is still messed up. Drugs mess with your ability to mature emotionally. I'm very sorry you have never had the mother you wanted. The hard part for you now will be watching her raise this baby. Whatever you do do not blame the baby, its not the babys fault.
Hopefully someday she will realize what a great daughter you are, however in the real world you just dont know if that will happen. If I were you I would focus on my own life and do what you need to do for you. Take care of you and let her worry about her own life. Hopefully things will change but if they dont at least you are taking care of you.

Answer 2

Alright so your mom has only been clean and sober for 3 years, which is great but she needs a little more time to realize what her priorities are. I have been sober for almost 30 years now and remember it taking about 5 years before I was even aware of life and where I had been and where I could be. Try be patient with her and continue to support her also. But do not take it dry, so sit her down and explain your feelings to her and how you feel like a pharia now that she is clean. It is a fact that we are guilty, whether we have substance issues or not, of hurting the ones that we love and care for us most as we know inside of their unconditional love. She is clean long enough to be able to handle anything that you have to tell her. Sometimes when parents find someone to share their lives with they unintentionally give to much time to them and seem to forget about our own children and the time that they need with us also. Hopefully she is not intentionally behaving this way and is just lost in her own world at the present. If you can have a mature and open minded conversation with her she may become more aware of how her behaviour is effecting you and try and become a better parent to both of her children - you and your 2 year old stepsister equally. It is not easy being the child of someone with substance issues but it sounds like you have been a loving and supportive daughter and as such she should be showing her gratitude for having such a caring daughter. Best of luck in trying to have a more normal mother/daughter relationship.

Answer 3

My guess would be because she couldnt boned with you. That and guilt, believe it or not people have a funny way of showing their guilt. I would have to sit down and tell her but if you are like me thats hard. I have always written my mom letters, even though we lived in the same house. She always said communication was important but I was always afraid to say the wrong thing. So i would write her in a journal and give it to her then she would write me back in the same journal. Now we talk all the time. It is hard when you have pain built up, so that is what I would do.

Answer 4

Maybe you should start somewhere first. What makes you think she doesn't want you near her? From what you have written she hasn't said that.

But think of it rationaly. She never had you as a monther ought to, and it was because of her drug addiction. Two things might have happened during or since that time. The mother/daughter relationship could have completely damaged on her side. While you are yearning for that motherly love, she could have reached a point of no return in moving away from that bonding. People in trouble don't care who get them out - as long as they are out of that trouble. You might have not been an ideal person to help her when she was in trouble, but she wanted out.

Or she might had still been in that loving feeling for you as her daughter, (but now that she has sobered up), she could be exteemly ashamed of her neglect and afraid of re-establishing that relationship with you. She might be thinking that she is saving you her shame. You are a beautifu young woman and she doesn't want to disturb you peace. She might be afraid that if she is too close to you you shall one day seek deep ansers about her addiction and neglect you got from her, and that might shatter her new found freedom from drugs and keep you in perpetual upset. So she might be thinking that to protect you (mind you to her you are still "her little baby" - despite what happened).

You were really strong to stand by her during her trying times. You should not allow the current situaion to change your humanity. You are understandably hurting, but take solace in the knowledge that you were there when she needed you most. Not many children could have done that.

It's human nature to expect her to show her thankfulness by acknoledging you as her child and bonding, but I would encourage you to walk with your head high in the knowldge that you saved her life from self destruction with a hope that maybe one day she will get courage to do what would make you happy. For now, remain the hero that you are. Your mother is blessed to have you as a child. You are blessed to have the wisdom and heart you have shown. Good luck.

Answer 5

You should tell her how you feel and tell her exactly what you are telling everyone on here. Chances are is that she hasn't forgot about you it's just that she has the baby and this is like a fresh start for her. Talk to her!! There is no better way to resolve a problem than communication.

Good Luck

Answer 6

At this point in your life, you may be more mature than your mother. You probably have more years of sobriety than she does.
She gave birth to you, but your grandparents are your parents. Your mom is more like a wayward sister. She is still acting irresponsible- -not getting married to the father of her baby, ignoring you after abandoning you all your life- -I'm glad she is showing improvement, but it is too late for her to be a mom to you. You are more like a mom to her.
Don't be her mom. Keep in touch, be friendly, but don't expect support from her. She doesn't have it in her. And you are not old enough to be a mom to her. Build your own life. Let her build hers.

Answer 7

I will tell you exactly why. She never experienced the bonding of mother to daughter, She never Knew what a wonderful daughter she has, Now you are all grown up she doesn't know what to do of how to be a mother to you. ( She does not want you to know it though) Just go on with your life she will come around,Life works that way.I promise you she is thinking of you. But with guilt.

Answer 8

She is obsessing about this "fresh start". It's kind of cruel to think about, but you are like a remnant from her old life. She's not proud of what she used to be, and maybe you remind her of that. It's definitely not fair to you, I know. Sooner or later she has to remember that she HAS a daughter already, and that you're not going to go away just because she is playing house with her boyfriend.

Answer 9

She probably feels guily & ashamed. That's not an excuse! First you need to get into a support group for family members of Drug addicts. Second a heartfelt convo with your Mom is past due.

Answer 10

She just does not know how to be. Some people just never learn. You will be a great mother because of this though. SHe may also be afraid or hurt and not know how to show it. Or she is just too messed up to care. Not your fault.