When do you tell a potential partner about an STD?

Question

I was in a committed (on my part, anyways) relationship for 6 years, during which i contracted an STD from my partner. We have been apart for almost a year and I am starting to date again. I know that having an STD makes me look promiscuous, which I am NOT by any means, so I don't think I need to tell every date that I have one. I also do NOT want to do to someone else what was done to me. I do not have sex outside of a committed, manogamous relationship anyway, so, at what point do I say something about it? It is suppressable with medication, and I rarely have breakouts, so it is reasonable to believe that I could protect someone from getting it from me, should they decided to take that risk.

I know I have to say something before we have sex. I've just never had to tell anyone and I dont know the best way.time to do it.

Answer 1

You seem to already know the answer to your question... what you seem to be asking rather is HOW to tell them.

I honestly don't think you have any "moral obligation" to tell every person you casually date that you are infected. However, as soon as you develop a deeper level of emotional & physical intimacy for both your sakes you need to talk about it.

It really sucks that your former partner did this to you because what it means is that you need to change both emotionally and physically the way you start a relationship...BUT you can use this situation to your advantage!

Healthy relationships (again, emotionally AND physically) should start with honesty and disclosure anyways. Think of your situation as being forced to be healthy with a prospective partner.
Who knows greater good may come of it.

The point that you feel comfortable sharing about your ex to a prospective partner is probably the best time to share about your physical baggage (STD) as well. What it comes down to is this...you just need to let them know the context and give them some space to think about the repercussions for them. Probably having a website with info to pass on wouldn't hurt.

Either they'll care enough about you to research and ask questions and move past it... or they wont, and you're better off.
Just make sure you give them a chance to think it over and ask questions before you are in an intimate relationship. You sound like a decent person & Its totally not fair to trap someone without giving them some time. In the long run this will only end up hurting you more.

Just do to someone else what you wish your partner had done for you...be upfront, honest and faithful.

Don't be too discouraged! There are lots of us out here who manouver around STD's for the sake of loving relationships. Best wishes.

Answer 2

I agree that you shouldn't tell every date that you have an STD. I would only tell someone when I felt that there was a possibility of things going further eventually yet at a point when you both could walk away with any hard feelings.

When you decide to tell someone, and they ask the question about why you waited, let them know that you wanted to make sure there was more to your relationship then an occasional date; tell them it's because you respect them and yourself that you're telling them. Explain what happened to you and tell them you don't want to be involved with someone who's not sincere. Either one of two things will happen: They'll appreciate your honesty and get to know you better, or they'll decline to take it further.

Speaking for myself, if I care about the guy enough I wouldn't let the STD stop me from becoming involved. It would just challenge me to be honest about I feel about it and be more creative in the way I physically show affection. You're to be commended for being a decent man.

Answer 3

well u gotta get to know that person more and determine when its the right time to tell them. but it would be the best thing if u tell ur partner, that way u dont start out on the wrong foot by hiding things from each other. especially something so serious like a STD. so u should tell ur partner and let them decide wether or not u guys will have sex.

Answer 4

Before you have sex with them. If some chick told me she had the herp after I had sex with her, I would never talk to her again. So if you are just looking for some one-nighters you are just part of the problem. But if you are looking for a mate, you need to say something before you have sex. Make sure you know all the facts, like even w/o a breakout you could still transmit the disease, but if she has type I, she is unlikely to contract it.

Answer 5

When your partner is in the desperate need of sex and you are about to slam them. And the plot thickens.

Seriously, wear protection. Does screw it up for other people. Don't tell them right off the bat (first date) but before you have sex so you will still have some sort of a relationship if your partner dumps you.

Answer 6

Well what you dont want to do his tell your partner TOO SOON. That is what will scare them off. (but of course tell them before having sex and you shouldnt be having sex too soon anyway)

So just date your partner for a while and see where his head is at. And when you see that things are starting to get serious then you need to break it down and tell your partner about it. you dont want to just put yourself out there too soon because it may not even been worth it if he is not even worth your time. so why even put that added load of stress on you. Having and STD is already stressful enough.

Answer 7

Ok it sounds like you have the Herp and I appauld you for being willing to be upfront with your partners. However, it is transmittable even when you are not experiencing a break-out. I had a roommate who refused to tell her partners, to which me and the other roommates began warning her partners... It is important that you tell your new partner prior to intercourse and always use protection, even if you are not having a break-out. Tell her what happened, maybe she will understand and not pass judgement.

If you do not tell him/her and she later finds out that you with held that info from her you can be sued by her (whether she contracts it or nto) as has happened in CA. Hopefully s/he will understand and stick by you, but she does have a right to know and I think it is important that you tell her sooner rather than later.

Good luck

Answer 8

Hi there, i think you should tell your new partner before you get to intimate, because if you want a new relationship it should be based on trust.I would also always use protection as infections STD's don't always show up strait away and you could infect someone but not get it treated in time.Maybe you should also see your doctor again to make sure it's all safe.

Answer 9

If you have something incurable, than you need to tell your partners once you reach the level where intimacy may get involved AT THE LATEST!
If it were something that was cured than you wouldnt have to tell them, but since its a life long threat, that person should be made aware of the situation that way they can decide if they want to take that chance.
I know its hard but your partner deserves that much.
I'm not saying that you should tell every Jane or Jill you meet at the coffee stand but you should atleast tell the serious ones.

Answer 10

girl it takes courage to talk about things like this...i am happy that you want to protect someone else from contracting this STD..it sounds like you are talking about herpes...i tell ya relationship sometimes is so not worth it..here you are being faithful and there he goes sleeping around..these men dont think about the consequesnces..and the effect that it will have on their partners...i am in a relationship to and i believed that my man cheated he said no but i pray to god everytime i have sex with him that i do not get nothing..i really don t want to have to put up with any STDs..and its hard to tell others about this..because like you said you are looked at like you have been whoreing around when that is not the case..his sooryyyy behind is the one that gave you that sh*t......I dont know how you can tell your male companion..because they will not want to be with you like that..i feel awful for you and i pray that i dont have to go through anything like that....my prays are with you.....