Help!My step-daughter is out of control.?

Question

My step-daughter is 13. Her father and I have little control over her. She lives with her mother and does whatever she wants. How do we act as good parents when it's out of our hands. There is no communication with her mother. Do we just treat her like a visitor when she comes over, or do we try to enforce our values? Will that just push her away and maker her not want to come over? We feel completely powerless.

Answer 1

Family counceling.

She cannot continue in this manner, and if her mother is unwilling to do something about her, then maybe you and your husband should look into gaining custody of her.

Answer 2

You must never try to force your values on another person. If you treat her like a visitor in her fathers home then you run the risk of pushing her away. 13 is a hard time in a child's life, so try to be understanding. She should follow the rules in your home, but you cannot change the way she lives during the week with her mother and that wouldn't be fair to her, it would only confuse her. Be understanding and she will see that she is loved. Don't ever tell her that her mother lets her do what she wants to do, because you really don't know what goes on, since there is no communication with her mother, for all you know her mother struggles with her teenage attitude everyday!!!

Answer 3

It's natural to think about counseling for her as a logical first step. But for that to happen, there has to be a sense of belonging and commitment to change along with some love or affection for you guys. Else, she's not going to be very accepting of any counseling.

It is absolutely important to set some guidelines and values. Fear of pushing her away is natural but you'll only be doing this in her welfare and interests by setting some standard of conduct. Make sure the others in the family abide by those rules before you expect her to.

Invite her to watch a movie or play a video game or bake something in the kitchen or whatever she might not mind doing with you guys. Communication is the key. The only chance is for you to be patient and communicating with her. You definitely cannot lose control or your temper with her.

Why not just ask her out for some shopping along with you? Sometimes a "bribe" like a gift or a dress she likes isn't too bad for starters to get her attention. Good luck.

Answer 4

You have rules and regulations when she comes to your house. She has rules and regulations when she goes to the movies, to the store, out to eat, in school, at a friends. You need to be a strong foundation at your house since she seems to be on a sand foundation at her house. You must talk about the limits she has when she comes, and why those limits apply. Its because you love her and want her to learn how to live in society. Use the papers as examples of people that do not live by rules and reulations. Talk, talk talk, but you must back up your talk with your beliefs and with pusnishment befitting a 13 year old that has her own way. What can you take away that is important to her. If she refuses you now, she will need you later on when she fails. Be the good example she needs. She has already had one family change. Show her the one you have now is the correct one because you love her. Sometimes love has to be tough to be effective and I don't mean physically tough. She needs to be made accountable for her actions

Answer 5

you need to continue with your values and your rules in your home. regardless if she likes them or not. she needs to know that she is 13 that she will not come to your home and act the way she does with her mother. if she decides that she is not coming over any more, so be it, as she gets older she will learn that rules are rules.to be honest, if i was her father i would be taking this mother to court. let the courts know that the mother has allowed this girl free will to do as she wants and that you he don't feel it is a good environment for the child. and ask for full custody. this child is going to end up in a world of trouble if he don't step up to the plate.PS she will never be just a visitor, she is his daughter. its time he starts acting like her dad and put his foot down.make her live with you, this is going to be the only way short of juvenile home, to get this girl on the straight and narrow.trust me when she gets older she might even ask him why he did not do more to get her the help she needs, and for starters getting her out of the house of her mothers.good luck!

Answer 6

Hi:

I have a son and two step kids. Youngest 22 now. My wife and I stuck to our guns on the "rules" of OUR house. We may not have been able to inject our values, but I would have been damned if we didn't make everyone follow our rules of what was acceptable in our house. There was no doubt left that we loved each child, but there was also no doubt left that we couldn't be walked on.

Yes, it did get to the point where we said if you can't follow our house rules while in our house then don't come. Yes, the statement was tested by one of the kids, and yes, they stopped coming. In the end it all worked out and all is well now.

Moreover, now that the kids are all grown they all have more respect for us then the other parents and all moved close to us. As a matter of fact they all moved back in with us after their "other" lifestyle had screwed up their lives. They all except one have managed to get back out as adults and do well after being mentored by us for a couple of years each.

So Missy, the hard way turned out to be the best way for my wife and me. It will take nerves of steel for your hubby, but in the in end he will be the better parent. He can't over rule his ex's house rules while his daughter is with his ex, but he sure as heck demand that your house rules as a couple are respected while his daughter is under the roof.

Good Luck.

Answer 7

Who's the parent here? There are rules at your home and if she wants to come visit, then she will abide by them. It may take a few times of her not showing up..but in the long run she will appricate what you 2 have tried to do for her. Tough love, it DOES work. Yes enforce your values in YOUR home. It's YOUR home! Her father must be the one to enforce them though. You just back him up on them to show her that you two are a team. Things will work out.

Answer 8

Treat her like a child that you are responsible for when she comes over. She needs to adhere to YOUR rules when she is in your home or she shouldnt be allowed at your home. She can be bad asss all she wants at her home but she would NOT come to my home with attitude or thinking she is an adult. Her father NEEDs to be communicating with her mother to come up with ideas to get the lil chick ont he right track before both families lose her forver to bullsh*t.

Answer 9

I would definitely not let her be wild and crazy at your house even if her mother lets her there. If she stops wanting to come to your house because you have rules then so be it. If you let her do what she wants at your house you'll be the one responsible for what she did because you let her do it. Maybe when she grows up and matures she will realize that she was an *** and that yall loved her enough not to let her do whatever she wanted at your house. I have step-kids also so I know all about the well my mom lets us and the my mom doesn't makes us do that. I tell my step-kids at my house we do things differently and while they are here they will respect that.

Answer 10

Enforce your rules. She's just a child. She needs to know that. You love her, correct? She needs to know what is expected of her, and she needs to know you love her. When you and she get in a fight about it, bring up all the logical things. Like what you do to show her you love her and why you have certain rules. She really just needs to get her head out of her back side and consider other people, correct? You are her step-parent. You have half of that responcibility. You need to make sure she can be a presentable human being and adult when she becomes of age. It's up to you to make sure she's who she needs to be.