How do you deal with a 16 yr old stepson?

Question

My stepson who lived with us from 18 mos old till 13 (when he decided to live with his mom because there were no rules there three years ago) got into some trouble and has come back to live with us-after not seeing him in two years or knowing he was in trouble, from his mothers house, who lost custody. He has the worst attitude, will not talk, is always mad at the wrong people and is making my life a living hell.He will not go to counseling. He will be 17 next month-on probation- will NOT pay his court fees-my husband is legally responsible for them since he is 16. You cannot get through to him or he doesn't want to do what he should.He expects his dad is going to do it all and he has to right now because of his age.He won't talk to anybody and hates us too. Do I ignore him? I am at my wits end here.You can't make someone do something they absolutely will not do-or can you??

He already spent a week at the juvie center at $170 a day billed to his dad.

By the by, I am a mother and my son is in grad school. When these boys were small, I tried my hardest to be a good role model-my son listened-he listened to his own mother,who also got into trouble with him-it is a long and gory story.

Answer 1

Well, there are a lot of factors involved here, but I'd say that he's a raging fire of conflicting emotions. If you try to interact with that fire, you'll get burned every time. The rage he feels is not necessarily based on logic, but rather, resentment, misunderstanding, misconceptions, and a lack of self introspection. Using a practical approach may not help.

If he is your stepson, he may have already decided not to listen to you. I'm afraid there may be nothing you can actively do.

Passively however, you may have some success confronting his father rather than him directly. I know it sounds like a cop out. His father needs to feel exactly how much this is affecting you. He should know that it will have an impact on your relationship with him. (I'm not implying any specific thing here by the way. I simply mean that the feelings you may be bottling up need to escape or you'll go mad.)

Again, because I don't know all the details, I can only guess.
If it means anything to you, I was the stepson when I was growing up. I didn't get into trouble with the law, but I was a little bastard. Now, when I think back, I simply can't believe that I behaved like I did. Ultimately, it was the divorce of my parents that started it all I think. His rage at his parents splitting up may be trapped inside him, and his misbehaving is the only way he knows how to express it. I do not envy your position, but I don't think it's hopeless. Remember that you need to get your anger out as well, without disturbing the situation further.

I'd confront his dad. Good luck!! (-.-)

Answer 2

From what it seems it seems as if your stepson just wants to do his own thing, what I suggest doing is talking to your husband the best thing for you to not do is say anything that can come back to bite you in the rear , think about what you're going to say first, if it doesnt help the situation dont say it. State that this is straining your marriage, and that you aren't expected to be put first before his children, but that he needs to put boundaries around this kid because it seems he was given too much freedom and whatever you guys are tryng to do to get through to him isn't working now. From what you put he must have had it really rough with his mother, and after wanting to leave so bad just to wind up being sent packing FROM his mother probably doesnt make him a happy camper, don't play the "I told you so card" he knows what happend, just tell your husband that he needs to talk to him and be dead serious, he needs to tell him "Look "Max", I dont mind you here, I'd rather have you here so I can make sure you don't get into a mess like this again, you know I love you, but you can't be disrespectful towards me if you are living in my house and are not owning up to your legal fees, (he will need t get a job to help out sooner or later) If the boy starts smart talk tell him to make this point "I don't mind paying the legalk fees in fact if you keep this up and I see no change then I will think about paying that much a day for you to be in a boarding school or military school." He probably is missing his mom, your husband has to remember that even though he doesnt miss her, that his son will noone can replace a mother or a father be patient thing should fall into place as long as you be strict YET reasonable reward good behavior, hes young start setting goals for him and even try getting him into college or extra activities so he will keep busy and reduce getting into trouble. good luck

Answer 3

Dealing with a 16 year old is not easy but a 16 year old stepson is harder, My view is this he came from his moms and brought his trouble with him. You are right the father is responsible, so you guys need to take a stand with him and not back down, being on probation at his age well lets just say he keeps going the way he is and he gets into more trouble breaks his probation and goes to jail might be a lesson he needs, but according to where you live you can go to court tell the judge all of this that you have told us and ask for him to go to boot camp, believe me boot camp will starighten him out, Are you can take the stand. make the rules do not throw around threats stick to what ever you tell him and follow threw. that is your house and if he wants to live there he must go by your rules, To me you have the right now to make his dicision because he can not make the right ones,,, As for paying his court fees well when he ask for something just tell him until his court fees are paid off he gets nothing that he wants that money goes to pay his court fees. As for counseling make appointment do not tell him and pick him up and go he will know when you get there it is called tough love. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

Ok, he won't pay his court fees...that's something you and his father are going to have to deal with since he is a minor. As far as his father not knowing he was in trouble I doubt that is true because even if the kids mother didn't tell him the courts would have. Just because his mother had custody of him doesn't mean his father was "cut off" from knowing what was going on. Besides it's not his ex wife's duty to keep him informed of what is going on, that is what visitations are for, he your husband didn't remain in contact with his son while his son was living with his mother that is HIS fault, not the ex wive's fault. There isn't much anyone can do for this kid at this point, he has been undisciplined for his entire life (at least it sounds that way) and now everyone around him is paying the price. All you can do is when he comes of age pack his bag and show him the door. He isn't going to learn anything with everyone else cleaning up his messes for him.

Answer 5

It is definately a battle of the wills. Please don't ignore him. I believe one day he will come to himself. Which means he has taken leave of himself. I personally believe it is a father /Son issue. Son's will act out in this way when there is a breakdown in the head of the family. He needs to know that his father loves him unconditionally. And has faith in him. And his father needs to express that often. Maybe he doen't believe that. He also needs some sort of outlet besides loud music. Perhaps skiing, art, skateboarding or even a family vacation. Find something he can do with his father. "His Day" to do what he wants to do...within reason of course. There is a scripture that I hold onto..."Love Never Fails" I'll pray for you...you need all the help you can get. I know because I've faced the same issues with my SONS.

Answer 6

I am sure you have probably done everything in your power if you are at your wits end. I had become foster parent to my exboyfriends two children, had them since they were 5 and 4, up until they were 15. In the beginning it wasnt so bad. However, they lied to me left and right, thought I was a B$%&* for wanting them to try harder w/their schoolwork, etc, and expected them to handle chores, respect the times I wanted them to come in when I allowed them priveledges, and nothing was followed pretty much. It eventually came down to me giving them up back to their mother, they had so much hatred that their parents broke up. They blamed me for it and they were already broken up long before I came in to the picture. I eventually had to let them go and learn from their and their mothers mistakes. Only so much you can do. Now they realize what I did for their own good, have seen them here and there but they have never apologized or anything for their behavior. I just had to concentrate on my two boys I had with their father and take it from there.
All I can suggest is to sit down have a heart to heart with you 3 only, and see what exactly he expects from you. Why he acts like he does. Does he think you have wronged him in some way, if so, why ? Teens are so darned hard to deal with nowadays. I went thru hell with my step kids. i know it can be very trying, and you feel like you want to stop the world and get off. If he wants to do things that are not in his best interest, let him learn the hard way. Hopefully he'll smarten up eventually. When he is 18, he can get a job and support himself seeing that he is so hateful for what you and your husband are trying to do.

Answer 7

I hope a good answer comes your way because this situation is out of control.

Learning by observation, as is the teens case has led you to where you are. Teaching & sticking to YOUR house rules is a must and even the "law" agrees there are those who just will not comply to some situations.

Get some personal stress relief before you burst!

Answer 8

He's 17, which means you need to be the boss of him. Don't let him get off easy for whatever he did - Of course pay the fees, but this kid needs to be taught some discipline. Ground him if you have to, but all in all he needs to learn to get his life straight before he becomes an adult.

Answer 9

It's a very tough situation. I think you must first befreind him, and let him trust you first before he tells his problem and talk about it with you openly. Always tell him you love him. You must not make him feel he is a problem to your house nor make him feel he is only an adopted son. You adopted him and you must be ready for any circumtances. Talk to him patiently, low voice and go out with him (both of you only), let him feel he is special to you so he will become closer to you.. then sooner, you will feel he will start listen to you..

Answer 10

Take the pressure off yourself. Let your husband make decisons and just support whatever those are. You are in a no win and that child is totally disconnected from you.